"Family Matters" Pt 3 of 3 (K/S)

[gilda_elise]

Within weeks, Spock and Kirk fell into a working pattern that on the surface was smooth and untroubled. But it belied the tension Spock felt radiating from his captain whenever they were alone together. After Mitchell's death, Kirk seemed to call on him more and more, as if weaving a web of interdependency between them.

Spock was pleased to see that his mental shields built over the intervening years held firm. He and Kirk were partners in the running of the ship, an efficient command team, but that was all they were. It was only after his controls were left in ruins by the Psi 2000 virus that he realized the danger he had unknowingly left himself open to.

"Come."

Spock walked nervously into his captain's quarters. He had been here several times before, but somehow this time seemed vastly different. He felt at a disadvantage, in unknown territory. "You wished to see me, sir?"

"We need to talk." Kirk was standing next to the divider that separated his quarters, a drink in his hand. He looked over at Spock and motioned him to the chair next to his desk. "Have a seat."

Spock sat down, warily eyeing his captain. "What is it you wish to discuss?"

The human turned and glared at him. "You know damn well what I want to discuss." He ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

"I do not know what you are referring to, Captain. I have performed my duties to the best of my abilities and-"

"Shut up, Spock. Just shut up and listen." Kirk walked over, taking the chair behind the desk. "I want you to know something. Something I've wanted to tell you for a long time." He played with the drink in his hand, and gazed at the liquid swirling around in his glass. Finally he put it down and looked intently at Spock. "I went looking for you, you know."

"Looking for me? When?" Spock asked, perplexed.

"After I sent you away." Kirk lowered his head. "I went after you, but you were already gone."

Spock was momentarily stunned. "I do not know what you wish me to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Today, when you said that you were ashamed of feeling friendship for me...god, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I know I hurt you that day. I guess I never realized until this morning just how much I hurt you."

"It is done, and no longer of any consequence."

Kirk looked up. "Then why are you ashamed of what you feel for me? Spock, I need to tell you something. I had never felt anything like I did that night with you. And for me to feel that way was bad enough. But for me to feel that way about another man...it scared me. And I admit, I over-reacted. I didn't know that about myself, that I could respond to another male. But if I over-reacted, so did you. It took me a while to sort it all out, but I did sort it out. Trouble is, by the time I got to your hotel room that night you were already gone. Why? Why couldn't you have stayed and, I don't know, at least given me the opportunity to come to grips with what was happening between us?"

"Why would I have thought that you would change your mind? I did not understand the workings of my own emotional responses. How could you expect me to understand yours? Obviously I did not, or I would never have attempted what I did. You led me to believe that you understood the ways of Vulcan, the bonding of two warriors in an eternal partnership."

"I don't understand. How did I do that?"

"You implied a knowledge of bondmates when you spoke of your teacher and his companion. You professed envy of their closeness, of their 'connection.' And later, you called me your Vulcan companion."

"You thought that because I called you my Vulcan companion?" Kirk asked incredulously.

Spock shook his head. "No, not because of that alone. When you allowed the link to grow, I erroneously assumed that you understood that it was a precursor to a bond such as your instructor had."

"I didn't know it meant they were linked, much less bonded. Not then, anyway. I thought they were just really close friends. Later, after I took the time to find out, I realized that must have been the situation." He remained quiet for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I would do anything if I could do it all over, but I can't. What I want to know is, what about now?"

"What about now?" Spock asked, his eyebrows on the rise.

"You feel friendship for me, don't you? You said you did."

"Captain, I see no reason for this line of inquiry."

"Just humor me, okay? Do you feel friendship for me, yes or no?"

"I...yes."

Kirk smiled. "Then we'll start from there."

Spock sighed. "Captain, what you desire is no longer possible."

"What? We can't be friends? Why not?"

"I do not know if I am capable of the feelings you wish me to have. The friendship can never be what it once was. I am sorry."

"I'm not asking for the moon, Spock. I wouldn't deserve it anyway. But I want you as a friend. I need you to be. Can't you at least try?"

He looked down, trying to fight a battle that was already lost. Finally, he nodded his head. "Very well, Captain. I will try."

§§§§

It was easier than Spock thought it would be. Perhaps, too easy. As time went by he and Kirk settled into a pattern of leaving the bridge together for dinner, and then usually a night of chess or conversation. Sometimes they were joined by McCoy, the three men going over the day's work or anything that had caught their interest.

"What you looking at, Jim?" McCoy asked, as he pulled out the chair across from his captain. He and Spock had reached the mess at the same time, and both had headed for their usual table.

"Some pictures from Sam." Kirk continued to study the photos in his hand. There was an envelope and a letter Kirk absent-mindedly pushed to the side to make room for the two men. His own dinner sat, half eaten.

"How's he doing, anyway?" McCoy asked while starting his meal.

"Good, he's doing good." Kirk eyes slid over to Spock, who had started at Sam's name.

"Nice to hear. I thought you mentioned seeing him when we picked up Chapel."

"She settling in okay, Bones? No problems?"

"None so far. But she really is selling herself short staying on this tub as a nurse." McCoy brought his hands up to stop Kirk's objection. "It's not that serving aboard the Enterprise isn't a great posting. But, Jim, she really has potential as a doctor. The kind of training she missed out on, well, she's not going to get it here."

"Perhaps not, Doctor. But it was her decision to stay," Spock said.

"I know that, Spock. It's just a shame, that's all." McCoy returned to his meal, seemingly unaware of the tension that had surfaced between his two friends. He continued making small-talk with them, pulling grudgingly given responses from Spock.

"What the hell's the matter with you today?" McCoy finally asked. "You're touchier than a prima donna."

"There is nothing wrong. I merely find your constant need for conversation during meals somewhat annoying."

"Annoying? Why you-"

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough. I'd prefer a nice, soothing meal, if you don't mind?" Kirk gave both an exasperated look.

"I gotta get going, anyway." McCoy picked up his tray and stood up. "I'll see you later, Jim."

Kirk watched the doctor leave and then turned to Spock. "That was uncalled for, you know. He doesn't know what happened."

Spock pressed his lips together, ashamed of the lack of control. The mention of Kirk's family had taken him unaware, and he had reacted to McCoy instead of dealing with the situation that was causing his distress. "I regret the outburst."

"It was because of these, wasn't it?" Kirk picked up the three pictures and handed them to Spock.

He took them almost reluctantly. Looking at them was asking for undue pain, but somehow he was unable to refuse. The first was of Sam and Aurelan. They were standing together in front of a restaurant near a pier. Aurelan's hair was windblown and she was smiling. The second, taken at the same time, showed Sam and Jim with their arms draped around each other's shoulders. At the third, he almost caught his breath. Sam and Aurelan stood surrounded by three young boys. The smallest, a solemn looking red-head of not more than seven or eight, stood between his parents clutching his father's hand. But it was the other two who drew Spock's attention. To Aurelan's right was a dark-haired boy of eleven years. Brian Nathaniel, the new-born he had only seen that one long ago day. Not quite as tall as Aurelan, he was stockily built and had a wide smile on his face that matched his mother's.

And then there was Michael. Standing to his father's left, he almost reached him in height. The sandy-colored hair, so reminiscent of his uncle's, framed a younger image of that same man. Spock's fingers almost reverently touched the image, as he remembered the small boy who had stolen his heart.

"He is much grown." Spock's voice almost caught, and he cleared his throat.

"Yeah, he is. I think he's going to be taller than me or Sam. Aurelan's two brothers are pretty big. Must be where he gets it." Kirk hesitated. "Michael asked about you."

Spock looked up in surprise. "Indeed?"

"Yeah. The way he talked, I could almost believe he thinks you're my first officer because of the deal you made with him. You remember, don't you?"

"I remember." Spock handed the pictures back. "I am needed in the science lab. If you will excuse me." He rose, stiff and withdrawn.

Kirk sighed and put the pictures in the envelope. "Very well, Mr. Spock. I'll see you later on the bridge."

With a brief nod, Spock picked up his tray and walked away.

§§§§

The incident remained with him over the next weeks. He tried to relegate the feelings the pictures had stirred to their proper place, to the past where they belonged. Eventually he had believed he succeeded. But the unsettling discovers of today had Spock kneeling in front of the meditation statue trying to bring some order to his thoughts, the thoughts that inevitably turned to his captain.

They had continued their wary dance of advance and retreat, Kirk seemingly content with the level of friendship Spock afforded him, but events had shown Spock that their connection was still strong.

It had been with some relief on Spock's part that they had settled into the twilight world of "buddies," as McCoy was prone to call them. More than acquaintances, but less than true friends, such a relationship should have given both men time to deal with the past. But often, as was the case today, Spock felt that he was not dealing with the situation effectively, allowing Kirk a leeway that could prove dangerous.

Kirk's behavior towards the actor, Karidian, had momentarily broken through Spock's reserve. He had been actively concerned for his captain. And once he had found out the role Kodos had played in the life of the young James Kirk, the horror of such a young boy being witness to so much death, he had been unable to distance himself from the whole affair. If Spock could not condone the matter of the man's death, neither could he regret it.

He sighed, realizing that he had once again fallen into the familiar pattern. Once again attempting to rid himself of memories best forgotten, only to find that that was all he could remember. Getting to his feet, he heard the soft moans issuing from the next cabin. He listened, unsure of what to do. He did not believe that Kirk would appreciate his concern, would in fact be embarrassed by the solicitude. He had decided to just go to bed when the cry of fright took him through the connecting bathroom.

Kirk was tangled in his sheets, thrashing about in the grip of an unseen enemy. Spock hesitated only a second before going to the bed, grabbing the human's shoulders and pulling him to a seated position.

"Captain. Captain, wake up." He sat down on the bed, and watched as reality gained hold of the man.

Kirk shuddered, his head dropping down onto his heaving chest. They both sat for the few moments it took for the human to gather himself. "I'm okay, now. Thanks, Spock."

Spock's hands slid down, coming to rest on his lap. "This was the cause...before."

"Yes." The human brought his hand to brush across his forehead. "Tarsus has been with me for a long time." He finally looked up. "And again, you're here to help me through it. I guess some things never change."

"Much has changed." Spock tensed slightly.

"No. No it hasn't." Kirk looked at him, as if trying to see through a barrier. "Some things can't be changed, no matter how hard we try."

"Perhaps I should go." Spock started to rise but was stopped by the human's hand coming to rest on his arm.

"Don't, not yet. Please."

"Captain..."

"Spock, I'm not asking for anything you don't want to give." He pulled his hand away. "Why did you come?"

"I heard you. You were in distress."

"So? A dream can't hurt me."

Spock cocked his head, "Can't it?"

Kirk sighed. "All right, Mr. Spock. You can go."

Spock stood up, but then found himself unable to go any further.

"What?" The human looked up at him.

"I do not wish you to be revisited by your dream. I..." He looked down at his hands, clenched together before him.

"Spock?" Kirk touched his hands and waited for Spock to look at him. "Thank you."

"I do not understand."

Kirk smiled at him, and Spock realized at that moment how much he had longed to see that smile again.

"For safeguarding my dreams."

Spock gave him a puzzled look, but Kirk only laughed, that light-hearted laugh that had been Spock's undoing from the very first.

"Never mind, Mr. Spock. I'll see you in the morning." Kirk settled back in his bed, a small smile still playing across his face.

"Very well, Captain, Good night, sir." Spock turned and retraced his steps to their shared bathroom. As he made his own room, before the connecting doors could close, he heard his captain's voice filter through.

"Yes, it's a very good night, Mr. Spock."

§§§§

Spock knew he had lost ground that night. That somehow the human, in that insidious way of his, had further breached the walls fortifying Spock's soul. This battle of wills could not go on. He needed to find some way of making Kirk realize that what he was trying to do would not succeed. There was no place in Spock's life for the emotional attachment Kirk was obviously trying to establish with him.

His resolved strengthened, Spock began to walk a narrow path. He continued to accompany Kirk to dinner, he continued to play chess with his captain. But he bolted his feelings down, so that no sign of what he had once felt would reappear, giving the human false hope.

But Kirk was oblivious. No matter what Spock did, the human continued his relentless attacks. Even when Spock stole the ship and kidnapped his former captain, bringing them both perilously close to imprisonment or death, Kirk barely batted an eye. But then Kirk was taken and made to fight the Gorn.

"Come."

Spock walked into his captain's quarters, the latest log update ready for Kirk's perusal. He laid the comslate on the desk, watching as Kirk struggled with his shirt.

"May I be of assistance, Captain?"
Kirk finally got the garment over his head, and grimaced in pain as he pulled the shirt the rest of the way off. "No, I've got it." He reached for his robe and slowly worked it on.

"Have you been to see the doctor?" Spock was dismayed by the bruises covering Kirk's chest and back. Though he had been witness to Kirk's battle on that barren planet, he had not seen the damage done to the human's body.

Kirk looked up at him. "Don't start, okay, Spock?" He settled into the chair at his desk and grabbed the slate.

"Captain, need I remind you-"

"I'm all right!" Kirk slammed the slate down, his hands clenching into fists. "If there isn't anything else, Mr. Spock...."

"I...I was merely concerned-"

"Why? You don't feel anything for me. Why should you be concerned over a few bruises?" Kirk brought his hands up and ran them through his hair, grabbing a handful and holding on. "I'm tired, Spock. So I'm just not up to our usual games tonight, okay?"

"Games, Captain? I do not understand what you are referring to. I do not play games...about anything." For the first time, the anger that Spock had thought long dealt with reared its head.

Kirk looked up at him. "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

"There is nothing to forgive. We both made an error in judgment-"

"Don't." Kirk's eyes were large, filled with pain and fatigue. "Don't ever say that. It wasn't an error in judgment, not on my part, anyway. I told you why I reacted the way I did, that I was afraid of what my feelings for you meant. I even told you that by the next day I wanted you back. I've paid for my hesitation in more ways than you can imagine. Why isn't that enough? Why can't you let it go?"

"I do not know." Spock looked away. Shocked, he realized it was true; he didn't know why he had never been able to let what had happened between them die. He had tried so hard, and had been so sure that he had succeeded. But time and again Kirk pulled responses from him that no one else had ever been able to.

"I don't think I ever stopped loving you, Spock. Though god knows, I tried." Kirk's whispered words hung between them. "The women. I'm sure you heard about all the women. In all those beds I looked for you, but you weren't there. After a while, neither was I. Oh, I'd go through the motions, it was habit by then. An easy way to satisfy my body's cravings...but not my heart's."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the first time he had heard that hideous moniker made from Kirk's middle initial, and the denied pain that had sent him fleeing to his cabin, his control in tatters. He finally turned and looked at Kirk. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Why? Because I think we could still make something together, if you'd let us. It's not too late, not if you still-"

"I do not," Spock abruptly answered.

"Oh." The human swallowed, and cleared his throat. "Do you want a transfer? I don't want you to, but if you can't put this behind you..." Kirk's voice was steady, but Spock could feel the fear radiating from the man.

"I do not wish to transfer, Captain. This...history between us has never interfered with our workings as a command team. There is no reason why it should start now."

"History. Good choice of words, Mr. Spock." Kirk smiled sadly, and then stood up. "I'll see Bones in the morning. Right now I need a good night's sleep more than anything else." He looked at Spock as if seeing him for the last time. "Good night, First Officer."

"Good night, Captain." Spock turned and walked out.

§§§§

The conversation that night, and Spock's admission that he still felt aggrieved, did not stop Kirk from expressing concern for his first officer. And if at times Spock caught an odd look from his captain or a flash of sadness that marred the hazel eyes, Kirk still appeared the friend, still went out of his way to keep Spock at his side. Until the day that Spock spoke the words whose effect nothing could undo.

"For the first time, I was happy."

The look on Kirk's face as Spock explained his behavior on Omicron Ceti Three sent a thrill of, what, satisfaction? through Spock.

Kirk turned away, and only Spock seemed to notice how rigidly he held himself, his jaw clenched. Spock nodded his head and moved to his station.

"Secure to leave orbit, sir," the young lieutenant at the helm reported.

When Kirk didn't answer, Spock walked back to the center chair. "Sir?"

The captain slowly swung around towards him, a look between confusion and despair on his face. "Lay in a course for Starbase Two, Lieutenant. Warp factor two."

Neither spoke, and after a moment Kirk's gaze returned to the main screen. Awkwardly, Spock withdrew.

When their shift was almost over, Kirk handed the bridge over to him and left.

Ten minutes later, Spock followed suit. He headed for the mess-hall where he, Kirk and McCoy habitually met for dinner. He entered and proceeded to the food processors. His selection made, he started toward the captain's table.

"Where is the captain?" Spock placed his tray on the table and took the seat across from McCoy.

The doctor put aside the comslate he was reading. "Been here and gone. Said he had a ton of paperwork to catch up on and took his dinner to his room."
"That is odd. He is usually quite disciplined about keeping up."

McCoy shrugged. "It happens. Not everyone can be like Vulcans, Spock. He'll probably be at it all night and all caught up by morning. He's off shift tomorrow anyway."

Spock didn't respond. It was not unknown for Kirk to fall behind. Surely, that was all it was.

"But he did seem kind of...I wouldn't say upset, exactly," McCoy mused.

"What exactly would you say?" He almost kept the annoyance out of his voice.

The doctor scowled. "Damn it, Spock. If I knew exactly, don't you think I would have said?"

"I have found your predilection for dissemblance often interferes with your ability to provide information."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm not 'dissembling' now. Jim was in a strange mood. I don't know how else to put it. Not mad, pensive maybe. Hell, this whole situation with the colonists would get to anyone."

They were on their way to drop off the surviving colonists of Omicron Ceti Three at the nearest starbase. Spock had avoided them as best he could. His captain had no such luxury.

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence, McCoy returning to his reading when Spock made it obvious he was in no mood for further conversation.

"Have a pleasant evening, Doctor." His meal finished, Spock stood and quickly walked off, his tray deposited at the counter as he left the room. It was only nineteen hundred hours, but he had several experiments in progress so he headed for the lab.

Four hours later, his work done, he started for his quarters. As he passed Kirk's door, he found his steps slowing. He had with him the finished report Kirk had asked for concerning the colonists. He could drop it off now and avoid having to answer any questions about it in front of McCoy tomorrow at breakfast. Even though he had been under the influence of the spores, Spock still felt a certain amount of embarrassment regarding his behavior on the planet. He pushed the button for admittance.

"Come."

Spock was taken slightly aback at the brusqueness of Kirk's voice, but entered the dimmed room as the door slid open.

"Captain?" He walked toward the desk, assuming the human to be sitting there. Instead, he turned as a noise from the bedroom area drew his attention.

Kirk had been in bed, though apparently not asleep. He was clad only in his trousers and his hair was slightly tousled. "What is it, Mr. Spock?"

"I have the report you asked for, sir. McCoy informed me of your plans, so I calculated the odds in my favor that you would still be up." He reached out to hand the disc to his captain.

"Leave it on the desk." Kirk turned back toward the bed.

Spock froze in consternation. Kirk had never done that before. No matter what, he had always shown only courtesy and respect towards him. After the few moments it took to gather his thoughts, he stepped toward the darkened area. "Captain, is there a problem?"

"Problem, Mr. Spock? Why on Earth should there be a problem?" Kirk's tone was even, but there was an unnatural stillness to him, as if he was holding himself by a tight rein.

"I do not know. You merely seem...distracted."

"I'm fine. Tired, that's all." He stopped for a beat. "Is there anything else?"

Spock swallowed. He suddenly realized how ludicrous it would sound to ask Kirk if he was upset just because he hadn't tried to draw Spock into conversation. "I...no, Captain. Nothing else. I shall see you in the morning, sir." He hesitated a moment before stepping back. But when no other words were spoken, he headed for the door.

The new distance between them bothered him in some undefined way. And once in his own cabin, Spock positioned himself for meditation. He knelt before the small statue, the incense wafting from its belly to fill the room with the scent of Vulcan.

He tried for several minutes to reach the first level of meditation, without success. No matter what he did, his thoughts continued to spiral back to his captain. Kirk was upset. That it had to do with his pronouncement, Spock was positive. Very well. He had lived his life for eleven years without the human's good will. He could do it again.

§§§§

On the surface, nothing changed. They were still the best command team in the fleet. But off duty they parted company, each going his own way, finding solace as each could. Only McCoy sensed the change in their relationship, but if the good doctor had any idea of what had happened, he kept it to himself. When circumstances demanded they meet outside their shifts, he acted as the glue that held them together.

It was deep into beta shift, late evening as time was reckoned on the ship. Spock had the rec-room to himself, as most of the crew were either on duty or in bed. He wasn't really sure why he had taken to spending his time here, playing chess with the ship's computer. His cabin would afford more privacy. Perhaps it was because he had finally learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. And he had finally had enough of privacy.

He had tried without success to get Kirk to see him off-duty. The captain had sidestepped every ploy, had found a counter-argument for every reason Spock could come up with for them to spend time together. Every excuse was logical and spoken without malice, for Kirk was not cruel, only closed, slowly building a wall between them.

Spock moved his rook to the upper level of the board and was waiting for the computer to respond when the object of his thoughts walked in. Kirk's head was down, his attention focused on the report in his hand. Spock watched him move to the processor and get a cup of coffee. As Kirk turned towards the tables and Spock's direction, he finally looked up and noticed his first officer.

"Good evening, Captain." Spock's words halted Kirk's motion. Momentarily surprised, he had faltered to a stop but had then started to turn towards the exit.

"Mr. Spock." Kirk's attitude was formal. Anyone seeing them would hardly have assumed them acquaintances, much less former lovers. Even if that love had only lasted one night.

Spock schooled his features into his usual placid mask as he tried once more to break through Kirk's barriers. "Would you care for a game, sir?"

"No, no thank you. I've got a ton of work waiting for me in my cabin. Another time, perhaps." He nodded his head in a offhand farewell, and left.

In his mind Spock could imagine his hand swinging out and scattering the chess pieces, white and black tumbling across the room. Maybe then the knot of tension that had slowly grown within him would find release. But the discipline of a lifetime held, the slight tremor in his hands the only evidence of the turmoil he felt. Instead, he tried focusing his thoughts on his work, his duty to the ship. Anything to take his mind away from the path it inevitably took.

The dagger he had thrust into Kirk's heart had caused a rift in their relationship as nothing else had ever been able to. Had he said those words out of spite, wanting to hurt Kirk as he had been hurt all those years before? His captain thought so, and had gone about making sure that Spock would never have the chance again.

It had surprised Spock how much he missed the time they had spent together, how much he missed the friendship Kirk had struggled to build between them. He closed his eyes, wondering at his own capacity for self-delusion. He could no more be surprised at missing the air he breathed.

Every day, he felt the link grow weaker as his captain strangled the life from it. Spock wasn't sure if Kirk was aware of what he was doing, or if it affected him in any way. But it affected Spock. The chill of loneliness had grown, as did his panic as each attempt to regain Kirk's regard ended in failure.

He opened his eyes as a modicum of control was restored, enough at least for him to quit the rec-room and reach the sanctuary of his cabin.

He undressed and padded barefoot into the bathroom. The shower stall was still damp; Kirk must have only recently departed from their shared facilities. With sudden clarity Spock remembered the human as he exited the shower in the loft they had shared so many years ago. The young body had glistened with moisture, muscles accented as Kirk dried himself off. Spock understood now that Kirk's seduction of him had started from the moment of their meeting. But the human had been blind to what it was he really wanted. He had tried to explain it to Spock, tried to apologize for the hurt it had caused. But Spock had refused to listen.

Stepping into the stall, he turned the water on high and let the steaming liquid pound down on him. He pushed the dispenser and began to spread the lathered soap over his body. But he let his thoughts drift, and suddenly it was other hands on him, the strong, blunt fingers he remembered digging into his flesh. He moaned and leaned over, the long forgotten ache once more taking up residence in his chest. He had been the greatest of fools. The smug satisfaction he had felt since Kirk had taken command of the ship, that he was in command when it came to their relationship, was as ashes. He wanted back the warmth and affection that had emanated from Kirk every time they were together, the sweet desire that still lived in both of them, buried and denied but never extinguished.

He slumped to the floor, holding himself tight as he fought the rising tide of despair. Kirk had wanted him back, Spock had known from that first time he had seen him again after all the long years. But he had let pride stand in the way of recapturing the love they had shared.

Now it was too late. Kirk had reverted to his previous ways, taking up with woman after woman, but never letting anyone near. The only time he had, Edith Keeler had paid the price. That tragic event had only added to the hardness that was slowly encasing Kirk's soul, another tear at the wound Spock had inflicted months earlier. His hurtful stab at Kirk's sincere concern regarding Spock's infection by the spores had never healed. And as much as he might try, he could not undo the damage he had caused.

The timer sounded and the water died down to a trickle. Still he sat there, trying desperately to understand the workings of his own mind. He had wanted to prove to the human that he didn't need him. So he had thrown it all back in Kirk's face, giving only enough to keep Kirk near, but never letting go of the hurt and resentment. He had discovered too late that his pride was not worth the emptiness he now felt.

Spock finally rose, his body and mind numb. Drying off, he methodically prepared himself for bed, routine carrying him through. He headed for the sleeping area and slipped under the covers. The Federation had lost contact with one of its member planets, and the Enterprise was on its way to investigate. If in no other capacity, Kirk would still need him as his first officer and science officer. It was all the human wanted from him anymore.

He closed his eyes, and willed sleep to come. They would make Deneva by morning.

§§§§

Spock hesitated as the door to sickbay flew open. The ship was quiet now, after the chaos of lost dreams and shattered lives. He finally stepped through into the deserted office. He looked around, noticing all the little things he used to pass by, unaware of their existence. The cube of pictures Nurse Chapel kept at her station, the odd assortment of medical paraphernalia McCoy kept behind his desk. Losing and then regaining one's sight was a life-altering experience.

He headed to the back where the fatalities of Deneva's epidemic were being kept, those whose families wished their return to their home world. He signaled the lock and the door opened to the temporary morgue. He entered and walked to the far corner where Kirk's brother and sister-in-law were being kept.

He uncovered the first body, looking again at the stilled face of George Samuel Kirk. Sam. He remembered the ready smile and the way this man had welcomed him into his home, taking in an awkward, young lieutenant at the behest of his young wife. He seemed at peace. The horror and terror of his final days had left no mark.

He covered him again and turned to the body across the way. Almost reverently he pulled back the sheet, revealing the face of the woman he had come to love as the family he had thought to make her.

"Aurelan. It has been many years." He had been anxious to talk to her, but she had died while he was still on the planet, his own battle still ahead. He smoothed back her hair, the dark luxurious mane that had been his first impression of her. "He made it after all, did he not? Your young brother-in-law? Your Jim, of whom you were so proud? Did you know that I loved him, Aurelan? I am quite sure you did. But do you know that I love him still? That until I destroyed it, he still loved me?"

He hung his head for a moment, holding fast to the bitter tears threatening to fall. "I wish you could tell me, you who seemed to be able to see into people's souls, what to do, how to make him forgive me." He took a shuddering breath. "But I should not speak of this. What is my loss in the face of yours, and of your children's? What shall become of your sons?"

It had been the first thing he had checked after hearing of Aurelan's death. The sweet little boy he had known and loved had grown to a handsome and precocious fifteen-year old. Still eager to follow his uncle, he had registered for, and been accepted into, a special pre-cadet regiment at Starfleet Academy. Perhaps someday he would serve under his uncle. The small bundle that had been Brian Nathaniel, known to him for only a few minutes, was on Earth staying with his grandmother for the summer. Their safety had been the only thing that had lessened the nightmare.

"If I am allowed, I vow that they will never be in want. I pledge all that I am, all that I have, that the promise of those young lives you leave behind will not be lost."

He leaned down and kissed the cold forehead. "I will honor you always, as the sister I never had but should have. Sleep well, Aurelan, and know that you will be remembered."

Straightening, he slowly covered the woman and turned to find Dr. McCoy standing at the doorway.

"Spock, what are you doing here?" The doctor leaned against the doorsill, his eyes going from Spock to the body next to him.

"It was a personal matter, Doctor. I will leave now." Spock walked past the doctor, but he turned and stopped in the outer office when he realized that McCoy was following him. "What is it, Doctor?"

"We need to talk." McCoy motioned him into his office.

Spock reluctantly followed and sat in the chair across from him. He waited silently, knowing that nothing would deter McCoy once he set his mind to something.

"It's about Jim," McCoy finally said.

"What about him?"

"You tell me." The doctor leaned forward, his gaze intense.

"There is nothing to tell. The captain is grieving for his brother and sister-in-law. It is to be expected-"

"Don't give me that. Whatever's eating at Jim started months ago, right after our run-in with the blonde cutie from your past," McCoy said derisively.

"Doctor, I do not believe that what has transpired in my past is any of your business."

"To hell it isn't! Anything that interferes with the running of this ship or the well-being of the captain is my business. You listen to me, Spock. I don't know what happened between you and Jim, but if it isn't settled soon this ship's going to be looking for a new captain."

"You cannot take command away from him." Spock threw an accusing look at the doctor. "There is nothing wrong with the captain."

McCoy sighed and shook his head. "Yes, there is. Whatever's gone wrong between you two has affected him deeply. Everything else that's happened...that's just been icing on the cake."

"I believe you are in error. The captain holds no such regard for me."

"Doesn't he? I would have bet anything that nothing could destroy your friendship. Obviously, I was wrong. And obviously, you're quite content to keep it that way."

Spock looked down, unable to meet McCoy's eyes. "Sometimes, no matter how we may wish it otherwise, some things cannot be undone."

"That's where you're wrong. Whatever you've done, he'll forgive you. Dear lord, man, hasn't he proven that time and time again?"

"Perhaps at one time that was true, but no longer." Spock looked up. "I cannot help him."

"Can't, or won't?"

"Do you not understand? I have tried. Several times. He will not listen to me. He does not wish to see me."

"Well, try again. You're his friend, aren't you?"

"McCoy-"

"Spock, damn it, listen to me. If you feel anything for that man, go to him, now. Or are you so full of pride that you'd let him be destroyed just so you can keep hold of your precious Vulcan logic?"

"'Logic' has nothing to do with our situation."

The doctor shook his head in disgust. "Neither does emotion, apparently. How the hell that man could ever have thought of you as a friend is beyond me. You're the most cold-hearted person it's been my misfortune to know."

He had had enough. Standing, he towered over the angry human. "You know nothing of what I would or would not do for the captain, or in what regard I hold him. And I would appreciate your desisting from interfering in things you do not understand." With that he turned and quickly exited sickbay.

But walking back to his cabin, it occurred to him that perhaps he had been wrong about his and Kirk's relationship. McCoy seemed so sure that Kirk still held Spock in some regard. For all his emotionalism, the doctor was an astute observer of humankind, the captain in particular.

Could there be a future between them? Was there hope that he had not lost the one person he treasured above all else? Spock wanted this, wanted Kirk with an intensity that had never faltered. He had hid from it, denied it, but had never been able to crush the feelings that had been born during that fateful interlude.

He did not know how Kirk would react to him, but for everything they had been to each other, for everything they still could be, he would make one last desperate attempt.

§§§§

His trip to deck five and his captain's quarters was inordinately short. He didn't know what he would do if this final attempt failed, if he was forced to leave the one person who had ever made him feel whole. He fought down his panic, and when he got to Kirk's door he entered as soon as it slid open.
"Captain." Spock walked up to the desk where Kirk sat, the human's attention still taken by the report lighting his terminal.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Spock?" Kirk didn't even look up.

Spock pulled the extra chair from the corner over to the desk and sat down. It took several moments before Kirk noticed that his science officer was waiting for him. He finally pulled his gaze away from the report and, eyes narrowing, gave Spock his full attention.

"I..." Spock bit his lower lip, "I wish to apologize."

Kirk leaned back but his gaze never wavered. "What is it you feel you need to apologize for?"

"I have allowed the past to disrupt our present relationship, to...hurt you."

"I see. Very well, Mr. Spock. Apology accepted. Now, if there is nothing else..."

"Jim, please, I deeply regret my past behavior. Is there nothing I can do to regain your...regard for me?"

Kirk stared at him a moment before answering. "What would be the point? You've made it perfectly clear how you feel, what that particular episode in our lives meant to you."

"No, I have not. I lied that day on the bridge. I wished to make you feel what I felt when you turned from me. I did not realize how much I wished to hurt you until that moment." Spock was almost trembling with fear. He was saying all the wrong things and he knew he was losing Kirk. "But I do not want to hurt you any longer. I would do anything if I could take back the words I so callously said to you."

The human grimaced. "It's over and done with. Don't worry about it."

"I do not wish it to be over." Spock whispered the tense words.

"I don't know what to tell you then."

"Tell me that you also do not wish it to be over. Tell me that you forgive me my mistreatment of you, and that you wish to return to what we once had."

"I don't think I can do that, Spock." Kirk rose from his chair, coming around the desk to sit on its edge in front of him. "I'm sorry."

Spock sat rigidly still, unable to make his body obey his commands. He knew he should leave now, excuse himself to his cabin where he could try to rebuild what was left of his life. But he couldn't, not knowing that once he left their relationship would truly be over. He reached out and touched Kirk's arm. "Can you tell me why? Is it that you no longer wish me at your side? Or is it that you cannot forgive me?"

Kirk didn't answer right away, drawing a deep breath before speaking, "It's not that. I've thought about what I'd do if you decided to leave. There were a few times when I thought you might. Maybe I'm just being selfish, not wanting to lose an outstanding officer...."

Spock started, the pain of that pronouncement almost unbearable. "Is that what I am to you? All that I am?"

"No, but it's too late for us, Spock. There have been too many things that have gotten between us-"

"Only if you allow them to." He leaned forward, grabbing Kirk's forearms. "I was wrong to act the way I did, to carry such resentment over something said and done in ignorance. You could not have known what your words spoke of, the definition I gave those words so many years ago. Or what I believed you to be offering me that night."

"It's no good, can't you see that?" Kirk started to pull away, but was held tight by Vulcan strength. "Let go of me."

"No, you must listen to me. You must understand what it is you are attempting to destroy...."

Kirk was struggling in earnest now. "Damn it, I said let go!"

He was past caring about Vulcan logic, about the fact that he was using physical force to hold onto what was his. "Jim, it has always been there, between us. Even Aurelan saw-"

Rage flared in the hazel eyes, and Kirk suddenly reversed himself, pushing back at Spock instead of pulling away. "Don't you mention her, you son-of-a-bitch! Don't you use my family to-"

Spock didn't hear the rest. The unexpected attack caused him to let go of Kirk and fall back against his chair, upsetting his seat. He let go of Kirk and flailed back. The look of surprise on Kirk's face was the last thing he saw before he felt his head hit the cabin deck.

§§§§

The cold compress on the back of his head was soothing, but not as soothing as the feel of Kirk's arm around him and the human's bent knee propped up behind him as he sat partially slumped against his captain's chest. It was with great difficulty that he pulled himself away and tried to stand. He was prevented by Kirk's tightening embrace.

"You're not going anywhere. I was about to call McCoy, it took you so long to come around."

"I am all right. There is no lasting damage." Spock sat up straight, bringing his back away from the contact.

Kirk brought his other leg over, trapping Spock. "Don't go."

"I do not understand. I thought you-"

"Didn't want you anymore?" Kirk shook his head. "I tried not to. I think I almost had myself convinced. But when I saw you on the floor right now, so still..." Kirk faltered. "Everything just came into focus. You'd think almost losing you to blindness would have been enough. I guess I've been carrying around my own load of anger. But I could lose you so easily. Suddenly, it didn't make any sense for me to drive you away, not when I've wanted you for so long." Kirk's head slowly moved forward, until their mouths were inches apart. "But I need to hear you say it."

Spock's vision was locked on the lips so close to his. "What is it you wish to hear?"

"That you want everything that I do, that you feel the same way."

"I want everything that it is possible for us to have. I love you, James Kirk." And closing the gap between them, Spock pressed his lips against the human's, a gentle kiss that swiftly became more.

Spock remembered, remembered it all. The body pressed against his, as they somehow made it off the floor and onto the waiting bed, the receptive mind waiting for him in sweet promise. He had thought these feelings long lost, destroyed by his hurt and anger. But they were all there, ready to be created anew.

Spock hands trembled as he attempted to remove Kirk's shirt, eager to once again experience the feel of his lover's cool flesh.

"Do you want some help?" Kirk teased, his eyes alight as he watched Spock's every move.

Spock shook his head. He needed to do this, whether in atonement or simply for the pleasure of it. With an act reminiscent of the past, he wished to once again give of himself, for Kirk to lie back and accept the gift of his love. "I wish to do this for you. Will you allow it?"

A nod from his lover was all the encouragement he needed. He stood and moved to the foot of the bed, resting one knee on its surface as he removed Kirk's boots and pants. When he placed his hands on the waistband of the human's briefs, Kirk grinned and lifted his hips to facilitate their removal.

With Kirk divested of his clothing, his own rapidly followed, thrown aside in his haste to return to the welcoming haven. Yet once done, Spock stood for a moment, his gaze roaming over the beloved form. "You are as beautiful as I remember."

"Come here." Kirk put out his hand.

Spock crawled onto the bed and knelt between the outspread legs. Lightly caressing, he ran his hands down Kirk's chest as he strove to memorize this regained treasure. He continued moving them down, stroking the curves of Kirk's hips and thighs. Through it all he was watched with gentle amusement, until with a slight tug he was pulled forward to lie on top of the waiting human.

"I'd begun to think I'd never get you back," Kirk whispered, his hands beginning their own exploration of Spock's body. "I've dreamt of this, so many times."

"I was a fool to pretend I no longer desired you," Spock replied between tender kisses placed on Kirk's neck and shoulders. "You are all I have ever wanted. I have been incomplete without you."

"This time, we'll do it right. No more misunderstandings. I want you in my bed, in my life, from here on in."

Spock pulled slightly back and looked down into the golden eyes that had haunted him through the years. "We will have forever, t'hy'la."

Kirk smiled and with a suggestive nudge began the rhythm between them, the slow slide of cock against cock. He grabbed Spock and pulled him down again in a desperate kiss, breaking away only long enough to gasp in more air before returning to the ravishment of the heated mouth, his hands convulsively clenching in Spock's hair.

They writhed against each other as Kirk's arms wrapped around his waist and pulled Spock hard against him. "Yes, like that. Oh, god, Spock, you feel so good."

The press of Kirk's body against his, the fire building as they rocked together was an ecstasy he had thought never to reclaim. He pistoned his hips harder against Kirk's groin, urged on by the human's hands dropping down to settle on his ass, Kirk's fingers digging into his flesh.

The years tumbled away, and it was as it had been between them. Their bodies moved in synch and their minds rushed toward each other, bridging the gap that had left them separate and alone.

Spock knew he could not last long, no power in the universe could hold him back from this man. With a muffled moan he came hard and long, as if the chained yearnings of the lonely years were all unleashed in that one spasm of fulfillment. He threw his head back, crying out his release, "Jim, oh, Jim."

"Yes, love, yes." Kirk arched up, releasing his own seed between their pressed bodies, adding to the hot semen already pooling there. His hands, clasped tightly onto Spock, slowly let go after a last shudder.

Spock heard a breathless "I love you" as he moved off the human and settled himself against Kirk's side, resting his head on the smooth chest. He smiled and looked up to see his happiness reflected back. He brought his hand up and placed two fingers against Kirk's temple. Their thoughts floated from one to the other, the physical contact between them bringing the starved link to life. "It is still there, after all these years. I have often marveled at its tenacity."

Kirk looked down for a moment, his manner suddenly pensive. "When I first came on board, I was afraid to mention it. Afraid you'd try and take it away."

"You were aware of its continued existence?"

"Yes. I think in my own way I even helped it along. It was the only thing I had left of you. Later, when we talked about it and you didn't try and remove it, it gave me hope that there was still a chance for us." Kirk looked up and smiled. "And in spite of everything we put each other through, it hung on."

"And I will be forever grateful for that." Spock splayed his hand over the human's taut belly, and then suddenly sat up and started to rise from the bed.

"Where you going?" Kirk questioned lazily, his surety in Spock's return obvious in his relaxed manner.

"To retrieve something to clean us." Spock glanced down at Kirk's stomach and then to his own.

"Good idea." Kirk stretched and then reached over to pull up the covers shoved to the bottom of the bed. He lay back down, and watched with a delightful grin when Spock returned and proceeded to gently remove the signs of their lovemaking.

Tossing the towel onto the headboard, Spock crawled under the covers with his lover, returning to his place against Kirk's side.

"Feel better?" Kirk asked as his fingers gently carded through the dark strands of Spock's hair.

"I have not felt this way since last we were together," Spock softly answered.

"Oh, Spock, I was so damn stupid. It was as plain as day to everyone else, how the hell did I miss the signs? Aurelan saw it almost from the beginning."

Spock hesitated a moment before responding. "You would wish to speak of her?"

"To you? Of course I would. I was being an ass, earlier. I know you loved them, too."

"I grieve with thee." Spock turned his face into Kirk's chest, fighting the rising sorrow. He realized that much of his grief was in losing a second time the family he had once thought of as his own.

"Thank you. It makes it easier to bear, having someone else around who remembers them the way I do." He was silent for a moment. "The last time I saw them was right before our search for Dr. Korby. They saw me off."

"The pictures." Spock remembered the images of a charmed family that had stared out at him.

Kirk nodded. "When she found out you were my first officer, she was ecstatic...until I told her how you were, how things stood between us. Do you know she cried? She only stopped after I promised that I would get through to you, somehow."

"And was she certain you would succeed?"

"Oh, yeah. Aurelan always had a lot of faith in me, and she wasn't a bit surprised when I told her I had been in love with you."

Spock brought his head up in surprise. "You told her this?"

Kirk nodded. "I didn't really have to, though. Like I said, she saw it all. She was ready to kill me when they came down that day and found you gone. I didn't tell her everything that happened, but I think she must have guessed. Actually, both of them did a really good job of raking me over the coals. Then when I went to your hotel room..."

"Do not think of it. I do not wish to relive that time." Spock pulled his lover tightly against him.

"We're together now. That's all that matters." Kirk yawned. He kissed the top of Spock's head, and then tilted Spock's face up to place another on his lips. "I think it's time for some sleep, don't you?"

Spock nodded and positioned his head back on Kirk's chest. The kiss had been chaste and cool, but Spock could feel the love and contentment between them, the promise of all the days to come.

He slowly trailed his hand up and down the broad chest, enjoying the tactile sensation. Kirk had always delighted his senses, from that first day. The sight of the beautiful young man had drawn a sigh of wonder from him, his hands instinctively wanting to touch. And that had been before, before he had even known what it was to touch the soft skin, to join with his t'hy'la's sweet body in sexual congress.

He stilled his caresses as his lover drifted off to sleep, holding the man in his arms with a sense of detached wonder. After the long years, his t'hy'la was once more his. Together, they had reawakened feelings buried years ago, brutally strangled by the callousness of youth and his own ignorance in dealing with the vagaries of love.

Now the link between them would grow as it was meant to. Whatever the future held in store for them, they would meet it together. They would be one.



§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Comments

[titc.livejournal.com]

*is warm & fuzzy*
That was very sweet! (as long as I ignore the horrible eyebrows of TOS-pilots!Spock ;-) It's true they seem to have known each other for some time already in Where No Man Has Gone Before.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I tend to ignore that particular look, just like I do with how they looked when they were older. Kirk and Spock did not age the same way Bill and Leonard did! Especially Spock, I see more the way he looked in "The Deadly Years," so imagining him somewhat different when younger is a breeze. ;-)

I'm glad you liked the story and thanks for commenting.

[titc.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't mind Nimoy's aging (well, in ST IV & V the clothes didn't do him justice, it's true), it's dignified and fitting for Spock, I think. Shatner only grew cuddlier, like a giant, live teddy bear ;-)

I've always found Spock more attractive, but that's because he's tall, dark and mysterious, tormented, intelligent & witty n stuff *drools* but Kirk has really grown on me with time. He's making the weirdest faces and acting really strangely at times. Though Kirk does look really, really good when he's not in pajamas uniform... *pimps website (http://trekker.neuf.fr)*

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't mind Nimoy's aging (well, in ST IV & V the clothes didn't do him justice, it's true), it's dignified and fitting for Spock, I think. Shatner only grew cuddlier, like a giant, live teddy bear ;-)

I think because I imprinted at a very young age on Spock the way he looked in the series, that's the way I'll always see him. And though Shatner is fine as a teddy bear, that's not quite how I see Kirk. ;-)

I've always found Spock more attractive, but that's because he's tall, dark and mysterious, tormented, intelligent & witty n stuff *drools* but Kirk has really grown on me with time.

Same here but only after discovering K/S. There had to be something to Kirk for Spock to love him so much. So, if I couldn't have Spock, well, I guess I'd have to get to know the one who did.

He's making the weirdest faces and acting really strangely at times. Though Kirk does look really, really good when he's not in pajamas uniform... *pimps website*

I'll check it out. Thanks for the link!

[shatfat.livejournal.com]

I like the premise. It's interesting to the max and quite creative. I also like the homoeroticism which abruptly begins and slowly builds up between Kirk and Spock.

I like the "all hewmons look the same" sentiment. Babies... as Homer Simpson once put it.

Jim Kirk's homophobic reaction is rather logical, given the ambivalence about his sexual orientation that you describe. It's often sad how gay and bi people internalize society's homophobia even when the people closest to them don't harbor those prejudices.

The change in Spock's demeanor is interesting--could explain why he's smiling in "The Cage," and also how he came to have a dalliance with Leila on Earth years ago.

You even achieve some poignancy with "Operation: Annihilate!" and nice job explaining the 3 nephews become 1 business.

Overall, I have a hard time reconciling their behavior in this story with TOS, but it was an interesting journey.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I like the premise. It's interesting to the max and quite creative. I also like the homoeroticism which abruptly begins and slowly builds up between Kirk and Spock.

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I like the "all hewmons look the same" sentiment. Babies... as Homer Simpson once put it.

Lol, well, that's how I see them.

Jim Kirk's homophobic reaction is rather logical, given the ambivalence about his sexual orientation that you describe. It's often sad how gay and bi people internalize society's homophobia even when the people closest to them don't harbor those prejudices.

I suppose it would be hard to take the chance that they wouldn't be prejudiced. But even more, I would think it would be a major trauma to suddenly discover you're not who you've always thought you were.

The change in Spock's demeanor is interesting--could explain why he's smiling in "The Cage," and also how he came to have a dalliance with Leila on Earth years ago.

You even achieve some poignancy with "Operation: Annihilate!" and nice job explaining the 3 nephews become 1 business.

That was really the seed that started the story, Spock's being able to smile with Pike yet be so into non-emotion when we see him next. And since I'd wanted to do a 'young Kirk" story, including his family seemed the logical way to go.

Overall, I have a hard time reconciling their behavior in this story with TOS, but it was an interesting journey.

From locs I've had, that does tend to be seen as the weakest part of the story. Ah, well, live and learn...or write and learn as the case may be.

Thanks for commenting.

[(Anonymous)]

This is absolutley my favorite K/S story of all time. It's just...I can't describe it! It's just wonderfully written, and I admit, I love cadet Kirk/Spock stories, there certainly isn't enough of them! Thank you for writing this!

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the truly wonderful feedback! It certainly makes writing an even bigger joy when you know someone enjoys what you write.

And I'm a big fan of "Kirk as a cadet" stories, too, so I just had to write my own. :-)

[shadowvalkyrie.livejournal.com]

I know this post is more than a year old, but I thought maybe you would like to know someone is still reading this.
A very lovely, at times sad, but wonderful story. It moved me very much. It's unusual to see a young Spock depicted so open-minded and human, but I liked it. This earlier meeting shed a whole new light on their entire relationship. You also brought Kirk's family to life like I've never read it before, really made their death a heavy loss.
Sorry for dropping in here via twenty detours... Just wnated to say, Thank you for sharing.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I know this post is more than a year old, but I thought maybe you would like to know someone is still reading this.

Thanks, it is nice to know. :-)

A very lovely, at times sad, but wonderful story. It moved me very much. It's unusual to see a young Spock depicted so open-minded and human, but I liked it. This earlier meeting shed a whole new light on their entire relationship. You also brought Kirk's family to life like I've never read it before, really made their death a heavy loss.

I'm so glad you liked it and that it affected you as strongly as it did. That's something a writer always likes to hear. I suppose I've always seen Kirk as being someone who would be strongly tied to his family, so it was very satisfying to be able to recreate at least part of his life with them. And I have to admit to having been rather affected by their deaths, too.

Sorry for dropping in here via twenty detours... Just wnated to say, Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for dropping by...no matter how you got here. Since the K/S Archive finally got off the ground, I've tended to post my stories there rather than adding them here, so it was especially nice when your post popped up.

[shadowvalkyrie.livejournal.com]

Do you have the same pen name there?

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do. What stories I've managed to reformat for posting on the net are filed under "Elise Madrid."

[tracionn.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear god, you can write stories! I mean, gee can you write stories.

I just read "Family Matters" yesterday and then I dreamed of it and then it has been with me all today long (it's 8:30 pm here) and I still feel your story in my..I dont know, heart, cells, blood, everywhere.

I'm sure it's said already but you created such a heavy, deep, breath-taking atmosphere and first Spock's and later Kirk's pain broke my heart. It really did. Fortunately you could mend it again, lucky you! :)

I can't impossible quote all my favourite scenes, but of course I LOVE the one where Spock needs Kirk for emotional security!! Aahh, how wonderful!!
I always thought that their smiles over those words years later were - besides the fact that they were simply gorgeous - somehow knowing And now I know why!! :)

I love the scene when Spock showers, it's so emotional and moving, I had taers in my eays.
And I LOVED to read that Kirk did go looking for him! Yes, of course he would, how could I doubted it...
I understood the reasons why he acted that way, he was young and had still so much to learn and face to finally become the man he became.

And Spock...I anticipated that he would be all Vulcan afterwards and here too I can understand the reasons.

Fantastically composed and written, Gilda!

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear god, you can write stories! I mean, gee can you write stories.

Thanks. :-)

I just read "Family Matters" yesterday and then I dreamed of it and then it has been with me all today long (it's 8:30 pm here) and I still feel your story in my..I dont know, heart, cells, blood, everywhere.

I love hearing how one of my stories affects a reader, especially when it's one my older works. There probably isn't a higher compliment.

I'm sure it's said already but you created such a heavy, deep, breath-taking atmosphere and first Spock's and later Kirk's pain broke my heart. It really did. Fortunately you could mend it again, lucky you! :)

I think so. :-) I've always felt it would take a great deal to tear them apart, so putting them back together is a joy.

I can't impossible quote all my favourite scenes, but of course I LOVE the one where Spock needs Kirk for emotional security!! Aahh, how wonderful!!
I always thought that their smiles over those words years later were - besides the fact that they were simply gorgeous - somehow knowing And now I know why!! :)

I love the scene when Spock showers, it's so emotional and moving, I had taers in my eays.
And I LOVED to read that Kirk did go looking for him! Yes, of course he would, how could I doubted it...

I couldn't imagine him not. Even then, there was a great deal to James Kirk. Both men feel deeply, no matter what Spock says!

I understood the reasons why he acted that way, he was young and had still so much to learn and face to finally become the man he became.

And Spock...I anticipated that he would be all Vulcan afterwards and here too I can understand the reasons.

Fantastically composed and written, Gilda!

Thanks, again, for reading one my older and, I must admit, favorite stories of mine, and for the truly wonderful comments.