gilda_elise

"How's it feel?" Kirk watched as Spock tentatively brought his entire weight down on his injured ankle.

"It seems to be totally healed." Spock looked at his friend and smiled.

"Well, come on then." Kirk had Michael perched on his shoulders, and the three of them left the medical building and headed toward the aircar.

"Look, Uncle Jim!" Michael squirmed around, trying to get Kirk to turn in the direction away from the 'car.

A small carnival was set up across the expanse of parking, people already lined up at the fence surrounding it.

"Want to check it out?" Kirk asked, his eyes alight.

Spock hesitated. "What is it?"

"It's a carnival. They have rides and all sorts of food that's bad for you. You'll like it, I promise." With a grin, Kirk turned and led them forward.

Spock had to admit it was turning out to be a pleasant experience. While Michael rode the children's rides, he and Kirk would sit nearby, talking or just relaxing in the cheerful atmosphere. Their try at winning a prize, a stuffed animal of undistinguishable species, was met with success when Spock knocked over three stacks of bottles in a row.

"How'd you do that?" Kirk watched from the side, his own attempt having failed.

"It is quite simple. One must only calculate the angle of trajectory and the force needed to negate the inertia of the target. Though I did find that I had to take into account the added weight."

"What added weight?" Kirk frowned at the barker, who was busy restacking the bottles.

"The added weight in the bottles. It was obvious from the way they fell that they weighed more than I had initially realized."

"I should have known." Kirk shook his head.

Spock took his prize, and the three walked toward the concession stands. He selected a table and chairs for four, the stuffed animal needing its own seat, while Kirk and Michael went to get lunch.

The odd look or two he garnered failed to disturb him. He was used to such looks. Vulcans did not by habit seek out the situations that Spock found attracted him. His insatiable curiosity had marked him as different from the first on his home world, and once he had left it the very fact of his uniqueness among humans had continued his isolation. But he did not think that at this moment anything could mar the contentment he felt. He had taken his first tentative steps into the world of emotions and had found more than he would ever have dared dream. His life was not what it had been, and he owed much of it to the young man who now walked toward him, and the young child at his side.

"Penny for your thoughts." Kirk settled his nephew onto the chair before taking his own seat at the table.

"I beg your pardon?" Spock tilted his head in confusion.

"It's an old saying. I was asking what you were thinking about."

"You."

"Me?" Kirk grinned. "What about me?"

"How you have affected my life. The changes that have been wrought in me since meeting you."

"Good changes, I hope."

"I believe so." Spock looked away, unable to meet the compelling gaze.

"Do I bother you, Spock?" Kirk's voice hushed.

He looked back at the human, aware how well his friend was able to see beneath the facade Spock had always worn. "There is a connection between us that grows stronger with each passing day. Surely, you must feel it."

"Yes, I feel it." It was Kirk's turn to look away, fussing with his nephew's napkin while attempting to recover his equilibrium. "I'll miss you when you have to go. I don't think I realized how much until this moment." He looked back. "Let's not talk about that. I want to enjoy you for as long as I can."

Spock smiled and nodded his head. He still had two weeks of his leave. He would not bring sorrow to this time and the memories he would cherish the rest of his life. They might be all he had.

§§§§

Spock drove the 'car as Kirk held his sleeping nephew. It had been a full day for the small child. When they got to the house Sam was waiting on the porch. As the two men walked toward him, he stepped down and took his son from his brother's arms.

"You all done in, son?" Sam caressed the boy's head and carried him into the house, Kirk and Spock following behind.

With quiet "good-night's," they made their way to their rooms. Sam had decided to let Michael sleep in his and Aurelan's room for the night, so he nodded at the two men as they continued past to the loft.

"You sleepy, Spock?" Kirk had showered and seated himself at the small table, his robe thrown on and carelessly tied.

"I would enjoy conversing with you, if that is your pleasure." Spock got up from his bed and sat in the other chair, his hands folded in front of him.

Kirk hesitated a moment. "I was just thinking about our conversation earlier, about your leaving."

"You are distressed?" Spock knew his own thoughts on the matter. He desperately wanted some sort of understanding between them before his time here was over.

"You could say that." The human shrugged. "I'm really going to miss you, Spock. You'd think there'd be something we could do, get posted together, something."

He hesitantly reached out and took the human's hand in his. With a start, he felt the link flare to life. "Perhaps we already have."

"I don't know what you mean." Kirk stared at their joined hands, but didn't pull away.

"There is a connection between us. We are t'hy'la."

"I know there's a connection between us. We're friends."

"We are more than 'friends.'"

Kirk shrugged. "Okay, more than friends, but that's not going to get us on the same ship."

"If that is what you wish, it can be done."

"How?"

Spock brought his free hand up and placed two fingers against Kirk's temple, an unspoken question on his face.

"What will it do?" There was no fear in Kirk's words, only a cautious eagerness.

"Only strengthen what is already between us. Such a link is something shared by t'hy'la to make separation more bearable. Later, Vulcan law would dictate that we be posted together."

"Because of a link? Because we're...t'hy'la?" Kirk stumbled over the word.

"Yes." Spock could hardly contain the urge to take what was under his hand.

The human took a deep breath. "Do it."

Closing his eyes, Spock released his mind and let the link strengthen. Its tendrils bound the two men fast as energy shifted from body to mind. After a while, he brought his hand down and opened his eyes.

Kirk shook his head, rubbing his brow in confusion. "Is that it? It's done?"

"It is done."

Kirk stood up and pulled his hand free. He yawned and stretched. "All of a sudden I'm tired. Let's go to bed."

Spock gazed at the human as Kirk walked over and disrobed. He too was fatigued. The enhancing of the link had taken much from both of them.

Running his fingers through his hair, Kirk stretched again, displaying his body. The partial erection he flaunted enflamed Spock, and it was all he could do to stay seated. Their time was coming, he knew that now.

§§§§

The low moans brought Spock up and over to the large bed. Kirk's body was covered with sweat, and he was in obvious distress. His hands gripped the sheet below him as he tossed his head from side to side.

"Jim? Jim, wake up." He touched the human's shoulder, worry overriding his initial reluctance to embarrass his friend. They had been asleep for less than an hour.

Kirk's eyes flew open, and with a cry he bolted into a sitting position. "No! Don't!"

"What is it? What is wrong?" Spock grabbed Kirk by the arms, shaking him slightly.

Kirk's eyes slowly came into focus. With a shudder, he fell against Spock and wrapped his arms tightly around him. "I'm sorry. It'd been so long since the last one. I didn't think I had to worry about them anymore."

"A nightmare?" Spock found his hand of its own volition stroking the flaxen hair as Kirk pressed his head against Spock's chest.

"Yeah." Kirk seemed content to stay where he was. "That feels good."

Spock continued running his fingers through the soft strands of hair at Kirk's temple. "You have had them before, like this?"

"For years. Usually when I'm tired or upset." Kirk relaxed, his hands falling from Spock's back to nestle around his waist.
"Perhaps you have overtaxed yourself. Taking care of a child...or the strengthening of our link," Spock said almost as an afterthought. He didn't want to think that what was between them could in any way adversely affect his friend.

"I don't know. Maybe. But I think...I think it's more than that."

"Do you wish to speak of it?"

"Not really. It doesn't do any good, anyway." He loosened his grip and released himself from Spock's embrace. "Thanks. I'm sorry for being such a baby about it." He looked down, pulling the cover over his body.

"There is no need to apologize. I am glad I was able to be of assistance." Spock tried to read the play of emotions that passed over Kirk's face. The only light was the little that shone from the small nightlight in the bathroom, not enough to truly distinguish what it was his friend was feeling.

The human lay back down. "I'm okay now. If you want, you can go back to bed."

"If it is not an imposition, I will sit here for a while."

"Why would you want to do that?"

Spock thought a moment before answering. "It will give me...emotional security. I wish to insure that the experience will not be repeated, at least for this night." His voice lowered. "You are very dear to me. I would keep all pain from you if I could."

"All right." Kirk moved his body over and lay on his side, facing Spock, "But if you insist on staying, will you at least lie down? It'll be more comfortable, and I feel guilty enough as it is."

Without a second thought, Spock stretched out next to his friend, covering himself with the blanket Kirk invariably kicked to the foot of the bed. He watched as Kirk's eyes closed and his breathing evened out in sleep. Only then did he quit his vigil and allow his own slumber.

§§§§
"Jim, get up, it's..." Sam stopped in his tracks, his hand still on the doorknob as he entered the room. His surprise at finding his brother and Spock together in the same bed cuddled close was evident.

"Um, hi, Sam." Kirk sat up, pulling himself out the warm embrace, his face a bright red. "What's going on?"

Spock looked from one brother to the other. Sam's entrance had awakened him, but he hadn't had time to let go of the human in his arms, much less extricate himself from Kirk's. He wasn't sure how they had come to be in that position. But obviously during the night they had been drawn together as their bodies reacted to the desires that had been steadily growing between them.

Sam hesitated only a moment as he studied the two. Finally, he shrugged and smiled. "Aurelan's gone into labor."

Kirk jumped up and grabbed his pants. "Why didn't you say so?" He hurriedly dressed, everything else forgotten.

Spock got up, walked over to his own clothes, and proceeded to change. He would say nothing until he was alone with Jim. Then, they would plan the rest of their lives.

§§§§

"How do you think she's doing?" Kirk sat with his elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasping and unclasping as they hung between his legs. They had been sitting for the better part of the day, waiting for the next Kirk to make its entrance into the world.

"I do not know. I have never been present at the birth of a child." Spock sat next to his friend, trying to hide his own impatience.

"You'd think Sam would have the decency to at least come out and give us an update."

"I'm sure he is quite busy. The father is expected to participate fully in this endeavor." He wasn't exactly sure what the man could do in such a situation, but that is what he had always been told. After all, wasn't the woman doing all that was required?

"Do you want kids, Spock?" Kirk asked unexpectedly. "I don't think I do. They just wouldn't fit into the lifestyle we've got planned."

"Jim, perhaps we should speak of-"

"It's another boy!" Sam burst into the room, a wide grin on his face. He grabbed his brother up, taking him in a bear hug.

Kirk laughed and returned the embrace, pounding his brother on the back. "That's great!"

Letting go Sam started toward Spock, but stopped when Spock raised his eyebrows and took a step back. The human laughed and turned back to his brother. "We're naming him Brian Nathaniel. He's big, almost eight pounds. Sure didn't take after our side of the family."

Kirk grimaced and turned to Spock. "Want to go see him?"

Spock nodded and the three men proceeded to the nursery. All the human babies looked the same as far as Spock could tell. But he remained silent, happy for his friends. Sam would be staying at the hospital until Aurelan was released, and since they had dropped Michael off at a friend's house on the way in, he and Kirk would have the house to themselves for the next two days. Surely by the time Sam and Aurelan returned, he could truthfully state what he had come to feel was true. This was his family, and he had come home.

They stayed with Sam until early evening. But after being allowed to see Aurelan and the baby, they decided to head back to the house. The air outside held a touch of spring, the breeze cool but promising the life-giving warmth of summer. Kirk and Spock made their way back to the aircar in silence, and slid in on either side. The human seemed to hesitate as they buckled up.

"Feel like picking something up to eat?" Kirk asked, as he started up the vehicle.

"If that is what you desire." Spock sensed an undercurrent that had never been there before.

"There's a place up the road. It's a dive, but they serve good food." He turned and smiled at his friend. "We can play a game or two of pool."

"That would be acceptable."

The drive only took fifteen minutes, time Spock took to study his friend. Kirk was almost agitated, the self-assurance Spock had come to expect in him, gone. Perhaps Kirk was unsure of the enormous step they were about to take. The human had implied a certain knowledge of Vulcan, of the ways of its people. Surely he realized that Spock would never allow any to disparage their link. Even now, the thought of touching his friend in the intimacy of a meld or in the throes of bodily passion made Spock shiver with need. He could feel his penis fill with anticipation, and he worked at controlling his body's reaction. It was not yet time. Tonight was soon enough.

"This is it," Kirk said as he pulled the 'car into a dusty, partially shaded area.

Vehicles of every type and description filled the parking area that fronted a high fence of distressed wood. The opening at its center gave way to a large enclosure surrounding a small building. Chairs and tables were placed haphazardly about, and several people were playing some sort of ballgame in the sand-laden space that dominated the area to the left.

"Do you come here often?" Spock asked as they made their way through the crowd of people. The paved walkway they took was sided with trees that created an intimate archway.

"Once in a while. I've gotten to know a few of the regulars. We have a few drinks, play pool. You'll like it." Kirk led them to the small house that had been converted into a tavern of sorts, its front door propped open. Music filtered from inside as they walked onto the porch and entered. The human grabbed Spock's arm and pulled him over to a small table. "This looks good."

Spock surveyed the room with interest. A variety of men and woman, most of whom were obviously Terran, talked and laughed together while ostensibly playing billiards. Pool, he corrected himself.

"What do you what to eat?" Kirk grabbed a couple of menus from the table and handed one to Spock.

Spock began to peruse the menu, and so was surprised when a feminine voice sounded next to him.

"Well, look who's here. It's been a while, Jim." The short blonde girl stood next to their table, her eyes alight with pleasure.

"Hi, Beth. How's it going?" Kirk's manner was cool, even a trifle distant.

"It's okay. Where you been hiding yourself? After last time, I thought for sure you'd be back really soon." Beth tilted her head, eying first Kirk and then Spock. "Who's your friend?"

"I'm sorry. Beth, this is Spock. He's staying with us while on leave from Starfleet. Spock, Beth..."

"Connors. Nice to meet you, Spock." She nodded, and then returned her attention to Kirk. "Are you sticking around for a while?"

"Probably. I promised to show Spock how to play pool. We'll be here a few hours."

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

Spock watched the girl walk away, and then turned to his friend. "You did not seem pleased to see her."

Kirk shook his head. "She's all right. It's just some women think they own you after you go out with them once."

"It was not a pleasant experience?"

Kirk laughed. "Yeah, it was pleasant, I guess. There just wasn't anything else to it. You know how it is."

"No, I do not. Please, clarify."

"Haven't you ever been with someone, and then realized that even though you're attracted to them physically there's nothing underneath, nothing there to keep your interest?"

For the first time, Spock felt a moment of disquiet. "Vulcans do not 'be' with someone. There is only the one that calls to your mind, that completes you."

Kirk studied him for a time, as if weighing the information. "That sounds wonderful, but humans don't have the ability to see that right away. We have to get to know someone before we can tell."

"But you would wish to have that completeness?" Spock asked, desperately trying to hide his sudden uncertainty.

"Well, of course. Who wouldn't?" Kirk smiled. "Anyone who could give me that..."

Spock smiled back, and chastised himself for ever doubting his t'hy'la. He returned his attention to the menu, and after the waitress took their order they began a conversation that lasted through dinner. For whatever reason, they kept it to safe topics. Kirk spoke of his experiences at the academy, while Spock relayed some of the missions he had participated in during his short time on the Enterprise. Somehow both talked of things only in the past, as if unwilling to mention their still uncertain futures.

After they finished eating, they ambled over to one of the pool tables. Setting up the balls, Kirk began the lessons.

"I thought you said you'd never played before?" Kirk teased a short time later, while he took a swallow of his beer.

"I have not. But the knowledge of basic geometry is all that is needed to place the ball in the desired pocket." Spock leaned over and shot, the ball rolling across the table to disappear into the side pocket.

"Show off." Kirk leaned on his stick and watched as Spock proceeded to clear the table. "Come on. Let's stop for a bit. My ego can't take this." Sitting on one of the barstools placed in front of a narrow shelf attached to the wall, he motioned for another drink from the passing waitress.

Spock came over and sat beside him. Kirk was on his fourth beer, a fact Spock found disquieting. He had never seen the human inebriated before, and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

Kirk leaned back against the shelf, emptying his beer. His gaze seemed to wander the room before settling on Spock. "You having a good time?"

"Yes. I find great pleasure in your company." Spock saw the stillness that washed over Kirk with interest. Anticipation filled him as Kirk leaned forward and stared intently at him.

"I find great pleasure in your company, too. I wish," his hand came up and he stroked a finger down Spock's cheek, "I wish you didn't have to leave in a couple of weeks. We're just really getting to know each other."

Spock swallowed. "It does not have to end if you do not wish it to."

Kirk pulled back as the waitress reappeared with his drink. Absently paying her, he took a couple of hefty swallows and stood up. "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

Kirk turned Spock around, pointing out the side door. "See that small building out there?"

Spock looked out past the deck built to the side of the tavern. A narrow sidewalk meandered down a path to a white stuccoed building.

"Yes."

"That's the lavatory." Kirk winked and started out the door, "Don't go 'way."

Where would he go? Spock sat down and watched the room's other occupants to pass the time. A young woman at the bar gyrated to the music while she waited for the bartender to serve her. In the corner a couple argued when the man appeared to not be paying enough attention to his partner, while at the next table three men laughed at the antics of the fourth as he attempted to gain the attention of a near-by female. It was all so fascinating. This was obviously a part of Kirk's life, this well-orchestrated search for sexual partners. He was sure it would be easily left behind after tonight.

Spock continued to scan the room until he saw Kirk walking back up the path.

Almost to the deck stairs, Kirk was intercepted by the young woman introduced to Spock earlier in the evening. Beth. She seemed to be trying to persuade him to go with her, her animated conversation almost audible. But Kirk pulled away, disengaging her arm from his. Whatever his friend said next angered her for she turned and stormed away, leaving Kirk alone. With a shrug, he made his way up the couple of stairs and reentered the building.

"Now, where were we?" Kirk threw an arm around Spock's shoulders.

"We were speaking of our time together, of our future."

Kirk leaned in closer, and pressed up against Spock's side. "I don't want to think about that. You know you can't stay here. But I want you to, so much."

"Jim, we should return to the house."

Kirk stared at him a moment. "Wait." He took his almost full glass and downed the contents. "Okay, let's go."

Spock maneuvered the slightly swaying human out the door and to their vehicle. After making sure Kirk was securely fastened in, Spock got behind the controls. He started it up, and carefully edged them out of the parking lot, taking his time to get them home. He had heard somewhere that fresh air could help dissipate the affects of alcohol, but it proved to be a fallacy. Kirk sat quietly but kept glancing over at Spock, an odd tenseness underlying the smile on his face.

They made the house without mishap, and Spock helped the human up the stairs to their room. Kirk stumbled slightly and fell onto his bed. He turned on his back and started pulling at his shoes, trying unsuccessfully to get them off.

"Let me assist you." Spock sat on the bed and began to help the human undress. After successfully divesting him of his shoes and pants, he pulled Kirk to a sitting position and started unbuttoning the flannel shirt.

Kirk watched him with slightly unfocused eyes. When Spock attempted to push the shirt down his arms, the human leaned into him and shrugged it off. With his arms now unencumbered, Kirk pulled himself close, smiling up at Spock. "You're so warm. You're like a furnace, my own private furnace."

Spock began to stroke the exposed flesh, sending shivers down the human's body. "I find the coolness of your skin pleasing."

Kirk moaned and brought his hand up to clutch a fistful of Spock's hair. He lifted his head so their faces were inches apart, "What have you done to me?" he whispered.

Spock didn't know, no more than he knew how to control the need that blossomed full grown as he waited the eternal seconds until the human pulled closer and pressed his lips against Spock's.

The floodgates opened, and with a deep moan Spock pushed the human down, covering the smaller body with his own as they devoured one another. Lips pressed harder as the kiss deepened, their hands exploring. When Kirk's hands slid under his tunic, Spock pulled back long enough to tear it over his head and slide out of the rest of his clothes before returning to the shattering experience of Kirk's kiss. Plunging his tongue deep into the human's mouth, he moaned over and over, driven beyond thought by his overpowering need and desire.

Kirk pushed up, grinding his loins into Spock's, the human's rigid cock pressing against his own. Spock clutched at his lover's hips, trying to get closer, wanting more. With an impatient cry, he left the sweetness of Kirk's mouth and started down the heaving chest.

"Spock, please, Spock." Kirk's voice was a desperate plea as Spock sucked at the taut nipples and ran his hands over the straining material at the human's crotch.

Spock lifted his head, trying to see in the darkness of the room as he worked at getting Kirk's briefs off. "You are so beautiful," he gasped out. "Surely there has never been one such as you." With a tug, he pulled Kirk's underwear down and off, and then pushing the human's legs apart, knelt between them. He bent down and took the throbbing cock into his mouth.

"Ohgodohgodohgod," Kirk keened out. He pressed his heels into the mattress and pushed, burying his cock deeper into Spock's mouth. His hands came down and tangled in Spock's hair as his hips slowly pistoned.

Spock sucked on the shaft as he continued his discovery of the human's body. The taste was salty and sweet, Kirk's smell deep in his nostrils as he buried his nose in the thatch of pubic hair. He brought his hands up to pinch at the erect buds on Kirk's chest, eliciting more cries from his lover.

"Oh god, I'm going to come." Kirk strained against the hands that held him down, and pushed at Spock's head.

Grabbing Kirk's wrists, Spock released the engorged organ and moved up to lay on top of the writhing human, their cocks nestling against one another. Holding his upper body away from Kirk's, he pushed Kirk's arms out to his side, and began to undulate his lower body against the human's.

Slowly at first and then with gathering speed, he rubbed against Kirk, their cocks pressed between their bodies. Is this what his father had tried to keep him from? This all encompassing fire that consumed his universe? It was more than he could ever have imagined, the sweet agony of desire that drove him toward Kirk. His mind and body cried for possession of the human, and he could feel their budding link shimmer between them as it tightened its hold.

Spock's head was spinning, and he gasped out his pleasure, his cock full and heavy against Kirk's. He couldn't get enough of this hot intoxication, this need so great it was burning him up alive. The human was almost sobbing beneath him, saying his name over and over, has hands clawing at Spock's back and buttocks.

Spock pumped harder, faster, his head thrown back in a portrait of wanton desire, his hands clenched in the sheets above Kirk's shoulders. He felt the tide building inside him, the orgasmic explosion coming closer and closer, until with a loud groan he froze, ejaculating his hot seed onto Kirk's stomach. It was too much for the human. He cried out and came, his semen spilling out to mix with Spock's.

He slumped down, his body covering that of his lover's, and there was only the sound of harsh breath to break the silence of the night. Spock knew when the human slipped into sleep and, pulling the covers up, followed him.

§§§§

Dark tendrils of thought invaded his sleep, marring his quiet contentment. Spock came awake with a start. He looked down into eyes that refused to meet his.

"Jim?"

"Get off me."

Kirk's voice was controlled, but Spock could feel how rigidly he held himself. He rolled off, and the human quickly got up.

The evidence of their shared passion lay dried on Kirk's stomach. The human touched it only to pull his hand back as if it had been burned. He stared at Spock for a moment, and then turned and made his way to the bathroom, the door closing firmly behind him.

Spock remained on the bed, stunned into immobility. What had he done wrong? The anger pouring through the link had forced him to slam his mental shields into place, but by doing so he had effectively cut off any perceptions he might have garnered from the contact. He realized there were huge gaps in his understanding of human relationships, but Kirk had been receptive to their sexual joining. He had sensed it in the human's mind as their bodies had come together. Kirk's desire had rivaled his own. He waited, hoping that his friend would be willing to discuss the situation. But when Kirk finally reappeared, he didn't even look at Spock.

"I'm finished in there if you want to shower now. I'll be downstairs, seeing to breakfast." He was through the room and out the door before Spock could respond.

The Vulcan grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom. The room was still steamy from the human's shower, but Spock felt cold nevertheless. He stepped into the stall and set the water as hot as it would go, but he couldn't dispel the chill that had settled into his soul.

Fifteen minutes later when he went downstairs, Kirk was gone.

§§§§

Spock sat in the front room, his back to the fire burning in the grate. It had been ten point three hours since his friend, his lover, had left. He wondered at his ability to control so well. Truly, the training of his youth was standing him in good stead. After the first crush of pain, almost physical in its intensity, a calm had settled over him. Obviously there had been a misunderstanding, one that would be summarily cleared up as soon as Kirk came back...which would be any moment now he was sure. Spock watched through the window as the sky darkened to night.

Should he remain here, or go to their room? After only a moment's thought, he decided to wait downstairs. He didn't think he could tolerate staying in that room alone. He did not wish to test just how far his controls would hold. He kept his vigil through the night, neither eating nor sleeping. At one point he thought Kirk had returned, but it turned out to be a neighbor driving by on his way home.

With the return of the sun, Spock got up and went upstairs. He donned his uniform, hanging unused in the closet since that day over four weeks before when he had come into this house and met his future. He returned downstairs and took his place once more.

"Here, let me help you with that."

The sound of Kirk's voice brought Spock out of his light meditation, and he rose from the floor just as the front door opened. Sam and Aurelan walked in, Sam's arm around his wife as she cradled their new-born son. Behind them, Kirk carried the two small valises they had taken with them to the hospital while Michael brought up the rear, dragging his own small satchel.

"Spock! Come welcome Brian Nathaniel home." Aurelan motioned him over, her gaze returning to the small bundle in her arms.

He walked over and looked at the small human. He hadn't got that good a look at the child while still at the hospital, and up close it didn't look quite real. Tiny and bald, he reminded Spock of the strange little dolls that had hung next to the stuffed animals at the carnival. "Kewpie dolls," if he remembered correctly. Vulcan babies were all born with a full head of hair. It crossed his mind to wonder what Kirk had looked like, and when he looked up it was to see the object of his thoughts looking warily back. Spock pulled his gaze away, focusing on Aurelan. "He is beautiful, Aurelan. You should be very proud."

"I think so. I'm sorry you couldn't come with Jim this morning. I guess it would have been pretty crowded in the 'car."

"I told Jim we could have managed. But you know my brother," Sam interjected. "Come on, Aurelan. Let's get this little guy upstairs."

The couple started up, cooing at their latest addition while their older son followed up behind them, loudly insisting on being given a chance to hold his new brother.

Left alone the two men stood silently in the foyer, Spock with his hands clasped behind him, Kirk with his eyes locked firmly on the floor.

"Why did you leave?" Spock finally spoke.

"I...I needed to think." Kirk looked up. "We need to talk."

"I agree." He cleared his throat, "Perhaps your room..."

Kirk nodded and they proceeded to the loft. It was exactly as they had left it the morning before. Kirk's bed was unmade, the signs of their lovemaking still evident. The human blanched and turned away to stare out the window. Spock came up next to him and laid his hand on Kirk's shoulder.

"Don't." Kirk shrugged the hand off.

"Why are you behaving in this manner? What have I done?"

"It's not you...it's me. Listen, it's no good, Spock." The human shook his head and brought a hand up to rub his brow. "What...what happened the other night...you need to forget about it. Things just got out of hand."

"Forget? How am I to forget?"

"You just do. It's not like we're committed or anything."

"Are we not?" He couldn't believe this was happening. One did not reject one's t'hy'la. What was Kirk doing?

"No, we're not. You're reading too much into what happened."

"Jim...." He started forward, but stilled at the memory of Kirk's withdrawal. "What of us?"

"Don't you understand? There is no us. It was a mistake. I was drunk-"

"No! Do not pretend that it was something you did not desire." Spock grabbed Kirk by the arm, spinning him around. "I know what you felt."

"No, you don't. I don't even know." The human glared at him, but Spock was past caring.

"I will not allow you to do this."

"It's done. There's no point in arguing about it. And...and I think it'd be better for all concerned if you went back to the hotel."

Spock's hand pulled away as if he'd been stung. "You wish me to leave?"

"Yes, I do." Kirk's body was trembling, but there was no denying the unbending determination behind his pronouncement.

It was a Herculean effort, but somehow Spock managed to turn and walk to the bureau, gathering up his valises from the foot of the bed as he went by. He carefully packed his possessions, and without a backwards glance walked out of the room.

§§§§

"Welcome aboard, Lieutenant Sp-"

The young man's voice froze as Spock stepped off the transporter platform and made his way to the door and out the room without a word. He walked swiftly down the corridors of the ship, wanting only to get to his cabin without meeting another living soul. He made the turbo and voiced his command. Relief swept over him when the doors closed and he was once more alone. At deck five, he exited and made directly for his cabin.

The cabin was as it had been six weeks before, everything in its proper place, the bed neatly made. He walked over to the closet and began to empty out a valise. He brought his hand up to place his robe on the hook inside and realized that it was shaking, his fist clenched tightly around the garment.

"No!" Spock threw the robe down and spun toward the bed. He sat and buried his head in his hands. His chest hurt as he fought to keep inside the pain fighting to come out, the pain he had wrestled with for the last week, ever since leaving the Vega colony.

A sob tore from his throat, and he clamped his hand firmly over his mouth as he bent over to stifle the betraying sound. He felt lost and so very afraid. How did one deal with this? This agony that followed him like a shadow?

When he had finally reached his hotel, his first thought was to put as much distance between himself and Kirk as he possibly could. He wasted little time, discovering that movement kept the pain at bay and that he could function normally as long as he did not think of it. He had placed a call to Starfleet, and using every ounce of logic at his command had badgered a seat on the next ship leaving the planet.

His journey now seemed dream-like, as he held himself together by sheer force of will. Taken to a nearby starbase, he had waited out the rest of his leave in isolation, trying desperately to restore his tattered controls and find some way of cutting off his link to Kirk. Nothing had worked.

Now alone in his darkened cabin, he knew what he had to do. He had failed in his attempt to allow his human half full rein, failed because what he wanted was wrong, at least for him. From now on he would be Vulcan, all Vulcan. Straightening up, he stood and walked over to the meditation statue. He lit the incense still held within its body and knelt down. He would forever bury his human half and all the pain that went with it. Forget the life that had almost been his. Not for him the joy of possessing his other half. He knew it would take time, but he had all the time in the world now. He had the rest of his life.

§§§§

The days seemed longer somehow, as illogical as that sounded. The nights longer still. Yet Spock continued as he had before, his duty his top priority and his salvation. As time went by, he began to take a certain amount of pride in the fact that no one seemed to notice any difference in him. The fact that he had never been close to any of the crew could have anything to do with it did not occur to him. Each day was like the one before, and he had come to think that the pain would be forever his secret when he was summoned to his captain's quarters.

"Come."

Spock stepped into Pike's cabin and stood at attention. "You asked to see me, sir?"

"At ease, Lieutenant. Have a seat." Pike motioned to the chair across from him. The older man sat at his desk, a look of concern marring his handsome face.

Spock hesitated a moment, but then took the offered seat. He shifted nervously in the silence before finally looking up in question.

Pike leaned forward, resting his arms on his desk. "Is something bothering you, Spock?"

"No, Captain. Has there been a complaint against me or my work?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just that I've noticed a...difference in you."

"Difference, Captain?" Spock tried to keep his voice neutral.

"Yeah." Pike leaned back, studying Spock. "You've clammed up again, like when you first came on board. What's happened?"

"Nothing has happened, sir."

"Don't give me that. Come on, Spock. I'm trying to help you here. Something must have happened. You've changed...a lot. Ever since you got back from shore leave. Is that it? Did something happen on the Vega colony?"

Spock sat up rigidly, slamming his controls in place. "Nothing has happened...nothing has changed. I am as I have always been." He looked down at his lap and was surprised to see his hands clenched tightly together. It took all his effort to relax them.

Pike sighed. "So that's the way you're going to play it? I can't force you to tell me, Spock. But if you think for a minute that you're fooling anyone with this act of yours, you've got another thought coming."

"I do not know to what you refer. I have performed my duties to the best of my abilities, there is no reason-"

"I'm not talking about your duties, and you know it!" Pike got up to come around the desk and glared down at Spock. "What the hell is going on with you? Two months ago you left here just starting to learn about yourself, your human half. But you come back, and it's like that person doesn't even exist anymore. Something happened. Did someone hurt you somehow?"

"Captain," Spock stood up, "whatever happened on the Vega colony is done. It has no relevance to my life aboard this ship. I am Vulcan. I will act as a Vulcan should act. If that is not satisfactory to you, I will transfer at the first possible opportunity."

"You know that's not what I want. I'm trying to help you, man. Can't you see that?"

"Will that be all, Captain?" Spock asked, his gaze steady. Even in this he had erred. Pike had been a mentor, as close to a friend as Spock had. This too, must change.

"Yeah, get out of here." Pike watched him as he turned and headed for the door. "Spock?"

"Yes, sir?" He stopped, but did not turn around.

"Whatever it was, it isn't worth closing yourself off to life. Nothing is worth that. If you ever want to talk about it, I'll be here. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I understand, Captain." He looked back for a moment. "Good night, sir."

"Good night, Spock."

The doors slid closed behind him and he headed for his cabin. It would be the last personal conversation he would ever have with the man he would serve for the next ten and a half years.

§§§§

Over the years, Spock mastered the habit of not thinking of James Kirk. He threw himself into his work with a single-mindedness that was only surpassed by his ruthless suppression of emotions. Though it had been hard at first, he found that time did lessen the ache of his loss, and the stunted link gave him no trouble.

Only once had anything upset the delicate balance between Spock's control and the tender wound from what might have been. It was almost three years later, and he was on Starbase Eleven after a meeting between Pike's bridge officers and the base commander. Spock had elected to go to a nearby restaurant for lunch rather than return immediately to the ship. As he perused the menu he caught part of the conversation at the next table between two young women, and the mention of Kirk's name had brought all his attention to bear.

"Jim Kirk is really something. There's nothing like being wined and dined by a guy who knows what he's doing," the blonde woman said, her back to Spock.

"Yeah, I see him every now and then in the rec-room. But I thought he didn't mess with the crew," her companion responded.

"No, my dear. As long as he doesn't outrank you, you're fair game. He isn't called James T. for 'Tomcat' Kirk for nothing," she giggled.

Spock didn't wait to hear any more.

Later, alone in his cabin, his control regained, he began to wonder if he had imagined the affinity and love he had shared with Kirk. After much time and study he had come to understood how he had so mistaken Kirk's words and actions. He had rendered them the meaning only another Vulcan would understand. Kirk had not meant for him to think that he was giving himself solely to Spock. Had he misunderstood so badly the other man's feelings as well? That being the case, had he misconstrued even Kirk's affection for him? Had anything ever existed between them?

After that he would frequently hear of Kirk's exploits and his meteoric rise through the ranks...along with his growing reputation as a womanizer. Obviously the draw of that other life had proven too strong. The shame Spock felt at these times was only a little less than the relief that no one would ever know of the mistake he had almost made. And if it became his habit to call up the young man's files, it was only to ascertain his continued health and well-being, nothing more. The walls he had built around his soul held, and nothing and no one ever breached his impenetrable barriers.

When Gary Mitchell came aboard, Spock took the opportunity to study the human Kirk had mentioned more than once. He remembered everything Kirk had told him of his "good friend and drinking buddy." It was only logical that he ascertain if he would have a problem working with the man.

At the first opportunity, he sought out their new navigator. He found Mitchell in the rec-room, surrounded by a group of young men and women. The man was the obvious center of attention, and Spock realized that the human was using his not inconsiderable charm to curry sexual favors from one of the ensigns. The young girl worked in Spock's department and was known to be easily swayed.

He continued to study the man for the next two point eight hours. The opinion he came to was not flattering to the new officer, but Spock realized that working with him, though far from pleasant, would not be a problem. He rose and left the room, certain that the habit of multiple and frequent sex partners Mitchell obviously shared with Kirk had been the basis of the two men's friendship.

§§§§

Pike sat at the head of the table, his chief officers seated all around. Number One sat to his right, her face blank and giving nothing away. She had been an excellent model for Spock, and he felt a certain gratitude toward the woman. As science officer, he had many opportunities to learn as he worked side-by-side with the stoic human.

When the rustling died down, Pike stood up.

"I've called you all together to inform you of a decision I've recently made. Most of you have served under me for many years, and I want you to know that I will be forever grateful for the outstanding job each and every one of you has done."

Pike took a deep breath, looking down for a moment before going on. "But I find that I'm ready for a change, ready to take on other responsibilities. Therefore, I've decided to take the promotion to fleet captain effective as soon as we reach Starbase Six."

There was a murmur of protest, quickly halted by Pike. "My decision is final. Your new captain is waiting there. I hope you can give him the same loyalty that you've always given me."

"Captain, do you know who it is?" Mr. Scott, the Enterprise's chief engineer, asked.

"Yes, I do. His name is James T. Kirk. I'm sure some of you have heard of him."

Pike continued talking, but Spock heard none of it. His world narrowed down as he stared unseeing at his hands resting on the table. So, they would serve together after all. With deliberate slowness he pulled his hands to his lap, his facade unbroken. He ignored the shiver that coursed through him. It was only the unexpectedness of it all that caused his body's momentary betrayal at the memories recalled. Any feelings he may have once felt for James Kirk were dead and buried, and with each breath he built his shields higher, stronger. Finally, when he felt once more in complete control, he looked back at Pike.

"Any other questions?" Pike asked.

"Sir, are you taking any of your officers with you?" Sulu, a physicist who worked under Spock, spoke up.

"Actually, I am. Number One and Dr. Boyce have elected to go with me. Number One as my exec, Boyce as my personal physician."

"Will transfers by made available for those of us that might wish to leave the ship?" Spock asked quietly.

Pike gave him an odd look. "I'd prefer that anyone who really wants to leave wait until Kirk's been with the ship at least a little while. I know this is going to take some getting used to. We've all been together for a lot of years. But you need to give the man a chance."

There were a few more questions that the captain answered as best as he could. When no more were forthcoming, Pike dismissed them and left with Number One and Dr. Boyce in tow.

"This is great!" Mitchell stood up, rubbing his hands together in undisguised glee. "Me and Jim Kirk, together again. Watch out ladies, here we come!"

"You know him, Gary?" Sulu asked.

"Yeah, we were at the academy at the same time, and then served on the Republic together. I can't wait for him to get here. It'll be like old times. No woman between here and the Neutral Zone will be safe."

"He'll be your captain, lad," Scott cut in. "Things canna be the same between ye, now."

"Sure they can. Jim's not like Pike. He likes to come down out of the clouds once in a while and rub elbows with the rest of us."

"There's nothing wrong with the way Captain Pike runs the ship," Kelso, the ship's helmsman, spoke up.

"I'm not saying there is, Lee. I'm just saying that Kirk's more accessible. You'll see. If you thought it was great serving on the Enterprise before...come on. I'll fill you in over a drink." The two men headed out, Mitchell already recounting one of their adventures.

With the meeting over everyone else filtered out of the room, until Spock sat alone. He didn't know why he had asked about the transfer. He didn't want to leave the Enterprise. It was in the truest sense, his home. He would not give it up because of a mistake he had made so many years before. He was Vulcan. Kirk could not hurt him. He stood up and made his way to the bridge.

§§§§

"Welcome aboard, Captain Kirk," Mitchell grinned as he walked up to the new captain of the Enterprise.

"Thanks, Gary." Kirk looked around at his other officers, his gaze sliding over the other men until it came to rest on Spock. He looked at him for several seconds before looking away to be introduced to the rest of his officers.

Spock stood at attention, his eyes never leaving Kirk. It was a test, a test he felt he could easily pass. This man was now his captain, and if Kirk's boyish beauty had matured to a devastating masculinity, it had no effect on him. He was no longer capable of such feelings.

So when Kirk asked him to give him a tour of the ship, Spock walked over without a flicker of emotion, and with a nod of his head followed his new captain out of the room.

They were almost finished with the tour, Spock having shown Kirk every area of the ship he felt necessary, when Kirk finally spoke up. They were standing on the observation deck, the blackness of space surrounding them.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Ten years, eight months." Spock gaze never wavered, and the tone of his voice was even and devoid of emotion.

Kirk looked out into space. "Are we going to be able to work together, Spock?"

"I see no reason why we cannot."

"You don't? Then why are you acting the way you are?"

"I am not 'acting' in any way out of the ordinary."

"Aren't you? I don't remember you being like this...so cold."

Spock looked down and locked his hands behind his back. "May I speak freely, sir? Off the record?"

Kirk turned and studied him before answering warily, "Go ahead."

Spock looked directly into Kirk's eyes. "You are proceeding under a false assumption. You believe me to be as you knew me in the past. I am no longer the same person. When I returned to the Enterprise, I made the decision to be Vulcan...only Vulcan. I am now as you see me."

"What? You feel nothing? I don't believe that."

"Believe what you will. But you need not concern yourself with any thought that what was between us then will be a problem now. I am no longer capable of the feelings that caused the initial...difficulty between us. You are my captain. I give you my loyalty as I would any commanding officer. I believe you will find my services as science officer more than adequate. But if you feel that you are unable to work with me, I will transfer to-"

"No! I don't want you to transfer!" Kirk turned away, his fists clenched at his side. He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before slowly releasing it. "No. Please. I'm sure we can work something out." He turned to Spock, his voice filled with an unexpected sorrow. "I know now that we...that you don't want my friendship. I can accept that. If you can handle us being on the same ship, working side by side, then I guess I can, too."

"I will have no problem with such an arrangement."

Kirk grimaced. "Very well, Mr. Spock. You're dismissed. I can see my way to my cabin on my own."

"Very well, sir." Spock nodded briefly, and walked out of the room. He did not know what it was Kirk wanted from him, but it was more than likely something he could not give. He had embraced the ways of his father, and there was no going back. After so long, he was sure he was incapable of experiencing any of feelings that had once been all he ever wanted.

§§§§