Future Imperfect (K/S) Pt 4 of 13

[gilda_elise]

Title: Future Imperfect
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Summary: In the ruins of one world, two men of different planets meet. One looks to the future, one to the past. But as their lives intertwine, they find that their happiness is dependent on the past one seeks and the future the other fights for.
Notes: Originally published by Kathy Resch as a stand-alone novel. Artwork by Lorraine Brevig and Virginia Sky.

Many thanks to artconserv and cluesby4 for allowing me to post their beautiful artwork here.






Chapter 4

Spock woke before dawn but by the time he and Kirk walked out the door the sun had already cleared the horizon and the morning promised to be a warm one. Outside the barn a wagon was being hitched to two well-muscled horses. Tied to the back were two more horses. One was Orpheus, the gray dappling he’d rode previously. Spock wondered where Kirk’s horse was.

“That thing just about ready to roll?” Kirk called out as they drew nearer.

Standing in the bed of the wagon, a small wiry man turned and waved. At closer inspection, Spock realized that it was Pete, the same man who had given him a ride back to town after his last visit.

They approached the wagon, greeted by a pack of dogs who came out of nowhere. They sniffed both him and Kirk before taking off once again. Returning his attention to the wagon, Spock noticed that the back was partially filled with rolls of canvas, bedrolls, a box filled with a variety of foodstuff and several rifles.

Pete lowered himself onto the ground. “‘Mornin, Jim, Mr. Spock.”

“You remember Pete, don’t you?” Kirk asked.

“I do, indeed. I am pleased to see you doing better, Mr. Roberts.”

“Now, Mr. Spock, I done told you, it’s Pete, just plain ol’ Pete.”

“What’s this about him doing better?” Kirk asked.

“Mr. Spock here helped me with my back. It was bothering me something fierce the other day. He pushed on my spine a couple of places and, just like that, it was feeling better.”

“Yet another hidden talent? I’m going to have to make sure to keep you around,” Kirk commented with a speculative look as he reached into the wagon and brought out one of the rifles. “You ever shoot one of these before?”

“No, I do not believe in the taking of life.”

“I don’t like killing, either, but sometimes you have little choice.”

Spock pressed his lips together. He did not wish to argue but in this he would not give way. “Nevertheless, I will not need a rifle. I have other means of defending myself.”

Kirk appeared about to argue but then only shook his head and turned to address Pete. “Are we ready to go?”

“Just waiting for Elijah. He’s out by the pump fillin’ the canteens. You planning on driving?”

“At least until midday. I don’t think Spock has the expertise for that, but we can split the chore between the three of us.”

“What chore?” Elijah asked as he came around from behind the barn, handing each man a canteen.

“Driving.” Kirk climbed up onto the wagon’s seat. Before Spock could make a move, Elijah scrambled up next to Kirk.

“Looks like it’s me and you riding, don’t it?” Pete commented as he untied the two horses from the back and handed one to Spock. Spock was pleased to see that he would be riding Orpheus.

The two men mounted. With a short snap of the reins, Kirk got the wagon going and the small party took off.

There was little talk as the four men followed the road away from the farm and out among the open spaces of meadows and cultivated fields. The day grew hot and even Spock was gratified when they entered an area of forest, even if it did mean that the road grew rougher, necessitating a slowing of their progress.

“You ever been to Ottumwa, Mr. Spock?” Pete asked.

“No, I have not.”

“Not much of a place. If it weren’t for the coal mine, I think it would have dried up and blown away years ago.” The old man wiped his brow with his kerchief and then tied the cloth around his neck. “You know, I’ve been making this trip for more years than I can count. And I don’t know if it’s my imagination or because I’m getting older or what, but it seems that the roads are a lot rockier and the trip a lot longer than they used to be.”

“It’s because you’re getting older,” Kirk shouted from up front.

“No one’s talking to you. You just keep your mind on the road where it belongs,” Pete snapped back, though the look on his face belied his anger.

Kirk turned and grinned, then focused back on the team in front of him.

“Young whippersnapper. Just like his dad.”

“You knew Jim’s father?”

“And his granddad, too. I was born not too far from here but my pa just didn’t seem to have what it takes to run a farm, especially after my ma passed. So when Mr. Kirk, Jim’s granddad, offered to buy it, my pa agreed. He picked up stakes and headed for...not sure where. Left me and my sister to fend for ourselves. But Mr. Kirk wouldn’t have none of it. Took us both in, gave us a home. Been there since.”

“Jim mentioned that his family had been in the area for a length of time.”

Pete nodded. “That’s right. At least four hundred years, as far as they can tell. I don’t know what’s going to happen if Jim don’t have kids.”

“There are no other family members to take over?”

Pete frowned in concentration. “It seems to me there was talk of a branch of the family up around Maine somewhere but that’s all it is, talk. Jim’s brother was all set to marry but then he died.”

“I did not know Jim had a brother.”

Spock saw the flash of old pain cross the old man’s face and when he spoke his voice lowered.

“George. He was only eighteen years old, just starting to live, really. But there was an epidemic that year, a bad one. It took George and his father, too. Took a lot of people, my sister, Elijah’s parents. Poor thing was just a little tyke, not more than a couple of months old. But Jim was really tore up; he worshipped his dad, and him and George, they were close.”

Spock gazed up at his friend, who appeared to be in deep discussion with Elijah. As with everyone he’d met so far, Kirk, too, had had tragedy in his life. Yet, from his demeanor, one would be hard pressed to know it. Jim held his sorrow close; it was almost as if he followed the Vulcan way.

“He is a strong man.”

“That he is. He takes on a lot of responsibility, too. I don’t know what we’d do if something happened to him.”

Spock only nodded, disturbed by the idea that, given the situation on this planet, it wasn’t an unlikely prospect. Kirk was not one to take an easy or safe path. It was unfortunate there was not one at his side to help smooth the way.


Kirk was only half listening to the boy at his side as he unobtrusively cast glances behind him. He could hear the quiet murmur of Spock and Pete’s voices over Elijah’s words and couldn’t help but wonder what they were talking about. He had a sneaking suspicion that he was the topic of conversation.

He smiled to himself. Pete could talk a blue streak if you let him and it appeared that Spock was letting him. Not many would graciously give that to the old man and it brought Spock yet another step up in his estimation.

“So, what do you say, Jim?”

Kirk mentally shook himself and returned his attention to Elijah. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

“About you not tryin’ to send me off to school anymore. I know how to read and write; what else do I need?” the boy complained.

Kirk gave him an exasperated look. It had taken the combined efforts of himself, the teacher in town and a friend of his in Muscatine who knew the principal to get Elijah a spot in the school.

“Lots of things. Geography, so that you can get around from place to place, mathematics, so you know when someone’s trying to cheat you...”

“I know my numbers! Besides, Riverside’s full of really good people, why would any of them try to cheat me?”

“I’m not talking about Riverside, Elijah. I’m talking about the rest of the world. Don’t you want to see at least part of it?

The boy looked at him as if he was nuts.

“Heck, no. The farm’s the best place in the world. That’s all I need.”

Kirk chuckled. “You think that way now. Wait a few years.”

“I’m twenty-one,” Elijah responded rather indignantly.

Kirk tried to remember what it was like being twenty-one. All that came to mind was trying to learn how to run the farm and wanting to be somewhere else so bad he could taste it. It had taken him years to make up for all the time he had not paid attention, sure that it would be George who took over the reins from their father. There had been times when he and his mother had locked horns as she forced the information into his resisting brain. No, twenty-one had never been for him what it apparently was for Elijah, for someone content with their lot.

“Tell you what, you go for a half a year and if after that you still don’t like it you can come home.”

Elijah gave him a sour look but finally nodded in agreement.

Figuring he’d gotten as much as he was going to, Kirk let it go. As a peace offering he handed the reins over to Elijah, knowing the boy had been itching to take control of the horses. The smile he got as Elijah took the reins and handed over the rifle that had been nestled in his arms went a long way to dulling his disappointment.

Kirk studied the weapon in his arms. He had been telling the truth when he’d told Spock that he didn’t like to kill; few men did. Yet he wasn’t as concerned about his friend’s refusal of a rifle as he probably should be given the circumstances. The money in his pocket was a draw to the unscrupulous; the coal they would be bringing back an even bigger one. Still, rifle or no, Spock was covering his back. It felt oddly right.

~~~~~

They camped outside of Sigourney, near a small lake Pete knew of. Or, Kirk admitted, what had once been Sigourney. It was impossible to say why one town made it and another didn’t. What had been the difference between Riverside and Sigourney? Kirk wasn’t sure but he was glad Riverside wasn’t the collection of decaying buildings and roads choked with vegetation that Sigourney was.

Sitting before the fire, the sounds of Pete settling the horses and Elijah rolling out their bedrolls were comforting. They helped keep Kirk’s mind off of the shell of a town he knew to be a short walk away. Places like that depressed the hell out of him; he’d seen more than his share of them.

Spock walked out of the evening gloom, their canteens swinging from one hand. He deposited them in the wagon before coming over to join Kirk. Kirk grabbed one of the small blankets he’d piled next to the fire and tossed it to Spock, who spread it out a few feet away. He sat with an easy grace, his legs crossed under him.

“I have refilled the canteens as you requested. Is there anything else you wish me to do?”

“I think we’ve got everything under control.” Kirk blew on his coffee. He’d taken first watch and would need it after the long day they’d put in. “Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll wake you when it’s your watch.”

“Momentarily. I have never needed as much sleep as most men.”

“I wish I could say the same. Seven hours, minimum.”

“What is he doing?” Spock asked as he watched Elijah working on something within the bed of the wagon.

“Creating shelter in case it rains.”

Spock glanced up. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. He raised an eyebrow and look at Kirk with amusement.

Kirk chuckled. “Yeah, I know, it’s clear right now. But that can change, faster than you’d think. And when it starts, it starts. Anyway, he and Pete will sleep in the wagon, me and you beneath it.”

“What will we do on the return journey, when the wagon is filled with coal?”

“Pray it doesn’t rain.” Kirk propped his arms on his knees, the cup of coffee still nestled in his hands. “My mother seems to think the weather is finally starting to settle down, that there’s a rhythm to it that hasn’t been there for a long time. If there is, I don’t see it.”

Spock remained silent, his attention fixed on the fire. The flames cast a glow over his face, highlighting its angles and contours. Kirk thought he’d never seen a more beautiful sight.

“May I ask you something?” Kirk asked, breaking the silence. “You can tell me it’s none of my business if you want.”

“You may ask.”

“Why do you wear a cap all the time? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without one. In fact, I know I haven’t.”

Spock brought a hand up, in what looked like an unconscious movement. “I possess an...abnormality.”

“A mutation? That’s nothing to be ashamed of. When you move around as much as I do, you see quite a few people with them.”

“Perhaps,” Spock responded as he fingered the cap, “but it has been my experience that many people do not react as you would.”

Kirk leaned forward, studying his friend. “Is it really that bad?”

“I do not believe so but I am not in a position to say with any certainty since I normally do not allow others to see it.”

“Would you let me see it?”

Spock straightened and his voice cooled. “Why would you wish to?”

Kirk thought about it and then shook his head. “I’m not really sure. I think because you’re my friend and I can’t imagine there being anything about you I’d find repugnant.”

The ice left his friend’s demeanor and he brought his hand back up to his head, only to stop and lower it to his lap as his eyes slid over to the two men at the wagon. “I do not believe this would be the most appropriate occasion.”

“Perhaps you’re right.” Kirk reached over and placed a hand on Spock’s arm. He squeezed and let go. “Another time.”

He was pleased when Spock stayed, keeping him company through his watch. Their conversation ran the gamut, from weighty matters of life and death to the meandering of two friends comfortable in each other’s company. Even the lapses into silence were comfortable, words not always necessary between them. Unfortunately, Kirk knew he could not return the favor, so when his watch was up he left Spock on his own.

Checking first on the horses, he crawled under the wagon, where his bedroll lay already open. He faced toward the fire and watched his friend until his eyes grew heavy and he slept.

~~~~~

The rest of the journey proved uneventful, at least as far as avoiding any trouble on the road. They reached Ottumwa in late afternoon. Kirk and Spock stood by while men from the mine loaded the coal into the wagon and Pete took Elijah with him to buy a few more supplies for their trip home.

Ottumwa had no hotel, so they spent the night in the open, three of them sleeping crowded together under the wagon while the fourth stood guard. Ottumwa was a mining town and mining towns were not known for their safety.

They left early in the morning, glad to be shot of the place: the squalor and poverty, the grime that covered everything, including the people, the crime that awaited a victim at every turn. They would not have to take the trip again for another year. The two tons of coal they had purchased would be doled out stingily.

They camped where they had the first night, and the dawn saw them starting the final leg of their journey.


Kirk shifted in his saddle. Another couple of hours and they’d be home. It couldn’t happen soon enough. Though it was a nice day, the sun was out and there was enough shade that it wasn’t constantly beating down on them, he’d be glad to see the farm come into view. Not that he was complaining, he thought as he glanced over at his riding companion.

Spock. He hadn’t imagined the intellect behind the somber face when he’d first met the man. Even their time together on the farm had not prepared him for it. But riding side by side, spending almost every waking minute with each other for the last two days, he’d been first surprised, then in awe, of the breadth of his friend’s knowledge. Like now, as Spock expounded on the evolutionary history of the horse. Was there nothing this man didn’t know? An idea occurred to him.

“Have you ever thought about teaching, Spock?”

Spock stopped mid-sentence, with a look that said he didn’t appreciate being interrupted. Still, he did answer Kirk. “It has occurred to me in the past. My path led elsewhere.”

“You should think about it again. I’m sure just about any town would be happy to hire you. Actually, Riverside’s on the lookout for one. Miss Kaye retired this last year.” Kirk snorted in amusement. “The woman was teaching when I went to school.”

“I had not thought to acquire such a permanent position.”

“Oh.” Kirk quieted. He’d pushed that out of his mind, that Spock’s time in Riverside would probably be short. He was around Kirk’s age and yet he’d never put down roots; why would he start now?

Because you want him to.

Yes, he did, even though how that would work with Kirk away on his ship most of time was something he hadn’t thought through yet. But knowing that Spock would be waiting for him on his return would certainly go a long way to making sure that he did return. As often as possible.

“Jim, are you all right?”

Kirk blinked. “Sure. Sorry, I was just thinking about something else.” He forced a smile. “Why don’t you finish telling me about the horse?”

Spock hesitated, regarding him skeptically before finally continuing. Kirk let the sound of Spock’s voice wash over him, fighting the urge to bend things to his will. Spock was here now; he wouldn’t ruin things by forcing his friend into a position not to his liking, no matter how much he wanted to.

Somehow, he managed to stay away from the subject of Spock’s staying, though it was apparent that Spock knew something was wrong. Their conversation became stilted, then finally died. They rode the rest of the way in silence.

When they crested a hill, Kirk heard Pete give a shout. A grin split the old man’s face as he pointed down to the fields below. Kirk had never been so glad to be home.

~~~~~

After a couple of hours of staring at the ceiling, Kirk gave up and abandoned his bed. He didn’t bother to throw on a robe; the coolness of the night had only begun to invade his room, warm from the heat of the day. Instead, he dragged the chair over from his desk and placed it before the open window. He sat down and leaned forward, settling his forearms comfortably on the sill.

He’d never been one to mull over a problem too long, even one of his own making, he thought ruefully. So, what the hell was he going to do about Spock?

He’d managed to put aside his feelings through dinner, conversing with his mother and Spock as if nothing had changed. He thought he’d basically succeeded, though he’d caught Spock watching him when he thought Kirk wasn’t looking. But things had changed, or he had; which, he supposed, made little difference. The problem remained, he was fast falling in love with a man who one day in the not too distant future would be gone. One day, he would wake up and Spock would have departed, left to wherever it was that had next caught his fancy.

A light breeze blew in, ruffling his hair and drying the perspiration on his body. He caught the scent of strawberries. They’d be ready to pick any day now. He tried to remember the last time he’d been home when they were in season; he finally realized it had been over ten years.

Again, the dichotomy of his situation hit him. He was honest enough with himself to know he was being unreasonable. He’d been—hell, he might as well admit it—he’d been angry at Spock’s obliviousness. Angry and hurt that the affection he saw growing between them apparently didn’t register with Spock. But even if it had, would Spock be foolish enough to nurture it, knowing that Kirk would be gone in little over a month? Especially considering the way he had acted earlier.

He squirmed, remembering how he’d excused himself after dinner and had stayed downstairs only long enough to bathe. Even his mother had looked at him oddly when he’d stuck his head into the parlor where the two were sitting and declared that he was going to bed, never mind that it wasn’t yet eight o’clock. The look Spock had given him had been unreadable, whatever he was feeling wiped from his face.

Kirk heard footsteps and glanced back. Light momentarily glowed beneath the door, only for the darkness to flood back the next moment. His mother must have come up. He wondered what Spock was doing.

With a snort, he turned back to the window. Did it matter? Should it?

No, he finally decided, it shouldn’t. There was no future in a relationship with the man. It really was best to keep it on a friendly basis. He’d allow Spock the time he needed to look for whatever it was he was looking for and then he’d say goodbye when Spock eventually decided to move on. It was for the best.

He shivered, suddenly cold.

He stood and returned to his bed, knowing that, his decision made, he’d have no more trouble falling asleep. The sheets felt good against his naked body and he pulled up the covers as he settled on his side. He closed his eyes and let the words play like a mantra in his mind as he drifted toward sleep. It was for the best.

~~~~~

The last thing Spock would have imagined when he entered the kitchen the following morning was to find Kirk already sitting at the table, contentedly drinking a cup of coffee and busily perusing the town’s newspaper, though according to Kirk using that term was a kindness. Put out weekly by the man who was also the town’s shop keeper, it had been described to Spock as two pages of local gossip with a few want ads thrown in for good measure.

“May I join you?” Spock asked, not sure of his welcome. Kirk’s behavior from the night before still troubled him.

Kirk put his paper down and smiled. “Of course. There’s still plenty of coffee left, plus Mom made biscuits and gravy before she left. I know you don’t eat meat, so there’s butter and honey, too.”

Spock got a plate and cup from the cupboard and sat across from Kirk. He poured himself some coffee, then picked out a biscuit from the large bowl sitting in the center of the table, all the while watching his friend.

“Uh, Spock, I’d like to...well, I’d like to apologize for last night.” Kirk had his cup in front of his face and his eyes were fixed on the table.

“You did appear to be somewhat distressed.”

“Yeah, you could say.” Kirk looked over at Spock, decidedly shamefaced. “Anyway, I’m all over it now.”

“If you wish to speak—”

“No, no, I’m fine. It was just a...an aberration, okay?”

Spock studied his friend. Kirk still seemed slightly nervous but he had lost the disturbing edge of the night before. “Very well.” He buttered his biscuit, then proceeded to pour a liberal amount of honey over its surface. “What chores have you decided on for me?”

“We’ll be checking and repairing the irrigation ditches. I hope you’re all set to get dirty.”

Spock wasn’t sure if he was but nevertheless nodded in agreement. They finished breakfast and then exited through the kitchen door. He had never left the house through this exit and was astonished at the difference. From the front, the house appeared as any other. Fronted by beds of flowers and two large shade trees, it looked to be nothing more than someone’s home. But from this side, cut off from view by the large barn, it was obvious that this was a working farm and that one had walked into the very thick of things.

Two more barns, smaller than that which housed the horses and wagons, created an enclosure, the third side being a long, squat building which Kirk referred to as a bunkhouse. Nestled within all this were several large cages housing a variety of feathered vertebrates. The large host of dogs, who to Spock appeared to be everywhere, scampered through the area.

One came up to Kirk, a big, shaggy black and white animal with a long thick tail that wagged continuously.

Kirk squat down and started petting the dog. “‘Morning, Big Steve. How you doing, buddy?”

“Is he yours?”

“As much as he’s anyone’s.” Kirk stood and the dog took off to rejoin its mates. “We keep them around to ward off wild animals but I think they’re more comfortable with each other than with any of us.”

Spock recalled reading that once these animals had been considered part of the human’s families. Apparently, at least here, they had returned to their former status as working animals.

They continued through to the large barn. Kirk brought out his own horse and the gray dappling, Orpheus, for Spock. He was surprised by his delight. Against all logic, he was forming an affinity with the graceful animal.

They passed by several fields of pasture before Kirk turned off, leading Spock down a dirt path that ran between two of the orchards. Off in the distance, Spock caught a glimpse of a river.

Kirk stopped and dismounted. “We can start here and work toward the river. Each of us can take a field.”

“What exactly are we doing?” Spock asked as he climbed down from his horse.

“Pulling out anything growing in the ditches and making sure there aren’t any leaks.” Kirk undid the loop that had been holding two shovels onto his saddle. He handed one to Spock. “Shore up wherever you think it needs it.” He looked up, shading his eyes against the sun. “We’ve got about five hours until noon. I’m going to tie the horses up over there; we can meet there for lunch.” He pointed ahead to the line of trees that marked the border to the next field.

Spock nodded and then walked off to begin his task. It was mindless, though physically demanding work. By lunchtime his clothes were caked with mud. They ate in silence and stayed only long enough to water and feed the horses and then returned to their task. Spock was not aware of how much time had passed until he heard Kirk approaching.

“I think we can call it a day. Come on, we can wash up at the river.”

Spock rose from where he’d been kneeling across a ditch, attempting to dislodge a particularly stubborn weed. He followed Kirk to retrieve the horses and then walked the animals to the bank of the river. The cool of the shaded area was in stark relief to the heat of the day.

“Over here.” Kirk pointed out an open area large enough for them to tie up the horses and still leave room for them to set aside space for themselves. They picked a spot near the bank and Kirk spread out his roll. He motioned for Spock to sit.

Walking over to the river’s edge, Kirk knelt down and splashed water over his face and hands. He dried himself with his kerchief, and then using the brush he’d taken from his saddle bag, he removed as much of the mud and dirt as he could from his clothes. Satisfied, he approached Spock and handed him the brush. “It’s all yours.”

Spock copied the routine, then returned to take his seat next to Kirk.

“Your cap is wet,” Kirk remarked.

“It will dry.” Spock kept his eyes on the water. He knew where this was leading.

“Spock, there’s water running down your back. Come on, it’s just the two of us. No one else will see.”

He’d feared this day, yet had always known that there would be no avoiding it. He gingerly removed his cap, then turned and look directly at Kirk.

Amanda had often remarked on the superstitions and irrational fears of her people, their propensity to destroy what they did not understand, so he had no idea what to expect: a flash of disgust or, worse, fear. Certainly not the look of wonder on Kirk’s face.

Kirk came up on his knees, bringing him closer. “May I touch one of them?”

Spock gave a short nod.

Kirk slowly reached out and touched Spock’s ear, lightly drawing his finger up along its outer shell to its tip. Spock shivered.

“They’re very sensitive.”

He swallowed. “Yes.”

Kirk did it again, his finger swirling down and then up again. “They’re beautiful. I don’t know why you’d ever want to cover them up.”

“I have not often received such, such acceptance.” Spock found that breathing was becoming difficult as Kirk’s fingers continued to play over first one ear, then the other.

“They’re so elegant, so—” Suddenly Kirk pulled away and dropped back into a sitting position. His legs were crossed under him and he’d buried his fisted hands in his lap.

“What is wrong?”

“Nothing.” Kirk’s eyes refused to meet his.

“You are offended.” Spock tried to slam his controls into place, but he was finding it extremely difficult.

“No!” Kirk finally looked at him. “No, I’m not offended. It’s just that, I don’t know, it’s sort of overwhelming, I guess. They really are quite beautiful, Spock. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” He appeared to hesitate a moment before finally rising to his feet. “Come on, we better be heading back.”

They gathered their supplies, and then led the horses away from the river before saddling up. Kirk was subdued during the ride back, and though Spock attempted to draw him out his friend appeared to have returned to the state which had plagued him the night before.




~~~~~

As the days passed, there were many times when Spock considered leaving the Kirk farm and continuing his journey. The easy friendship which had sprung up between him and Kirk had effectively disappeared after that day at the river. No matter his words, all Spock could surmise was that Kirk did, indeed, now find him offensive, one of the many freaks of nature who roamed this tortured planet. Spock himself swung between astonished indignation, how would such a man deal with the myriad life forms of the Coalition? And hopeless sympathy, for a man condemned to such a narrow life.

He told himself that he stayed for the information he was gleaning from the Kirk library. He had learned much, though he had read only a fraction of the books. Slowly the answer was emerging, as he gathered the pieces of information together to create a single focus. But there were still some pieces missing and the final resolution remained elusive. How could he leave this font of knowledge?

But when alone with his thoughts, especially as he lay in bed preparing for sleep, Spock knew that there was much more to his reluctance to move on. He wished more from Kirk than mere friendship. Much more.

In his saner moments, he realized that what he wished was an impossibility. Even if Kirk did still feel toward him as he had, Spock could not stay here forever. Either he would find the answer he searched for within these books and return to Vulcan, or he would not, and so be forced to continue on to his next destination. In either case, Kirk was lost to him.

Still, he struggled on, spending as much time with Kirk as Kirk would allow, the rest of the time ensconced within the library. As he was tonight, he reflected.

Kirk had left in the afternoon, ostensibly to pick up supplies, supplies Kirk’s mother was of the mind they didn’t need. In any event, Kirk had announced that he would probably not return until the morning.

Spock glanced up from his book to the clock on the mantel. Eight o’clock. Apparently whatever it was Kirk had thought would hold him in town until the next day had succeeded in doing so. He looked across the room. At least he could tell himself that he was not alone. Winona sat in a chair near the open window. In her lap a ball of yarn unwound as she looped the thread over and through, the blanket she was working on slowly taking shape. As if knowing he was watching her, she looked up and smiled.

“What’s the matter, Spock? Is that book boring?”

“On the contrary. I find it extremely fascinating, though also quite disturbing.”

“Which one is it?”

He held it up so that she could see the title and she nodded her head in agreement.

“I remember reading that one. I cried at the end.” She chuckled. “Years later I tried to get Jim to read it. He said he couldn’t understand how I could get so upset about something that happened hundreds of years ago when people we knew and loved were dying all the time.”

“Any death, no matter when it occurred, is to be mourned.”

“Exactly. But Jim, I guess he thought he had to toughen up after his brother and father died. Who mourns the passing of a songbird, especially when there’s nothing you can do to bring it back? Jim figures that if there’s not anything he can do about something, he’d rather not think about it.”

“There is a certain logic to that way of thinking.” Even if he was the something Kirk could do nothing about. “Still, there is much to be learned from the past.”

“There is, indeed. And even knowing that so many more species would die out, I still have a place in my heart for that little sparrow.”

“Its demise was most unfortunate; I find it astounding that recreation was so important to the people of that time.” What he found even more astounding was that even with their efforts in space exploration, they had managed to cause the extinction of yet another species. (2)

“It does seem at odds with everything we’ve been told about them.” Winona put aside her crocheting and stood. “I think I’d like a cup of coffee. Would you like some?”

“That would be most welcome.”

Winona was gone less than ten minutes. She reentered bearing a tray with their two cups, the creamer and sugar bowl. She set it on the table in front of Spock and took a seat nearby. “I’ll probably be up all night but I don’t care.”

Spock picked up his cup, took a drink, then nestled it within his hands. “What did you mean when you said that it went against what you had been told about them?”

“You know, about the sacrifices they made.”

“To which sacrifices do you refer?”

She appeared puzzled by his ignorance. “Everything, all the things they gave up so that the planet could survive.”

He thought about all the things he’d been told by his mother. According to Amanda, the only thing that had been sacrificed was the future.

“Are you positive of this? Can you show me where such a statement had been written down?”

“Well, no, it’s just something I was told by my parents, who were told by their parents, and so on down the line. Think about it, how else can you explain us still being here?”

Could it be as simple as that? Somehow, Spock thought not. Finally, he shook his head. “I cannot, but for such a sacrifice to have been made, surely there would be a record of it. Just the logistics involved would have demanded cooperation from all the nations of the planet.” He found himself surveying the room about him. “It is unfortunate that there is not another repository of books such as this in the vicinity.”

“None that can be got to.”

He looked at her. “But there are more nearby?”

“There’s supposed to be a stockpile in Cedar Rapids. One of the universities had an annex there and was collecting as many books as they could get their hands on near the end. They already had one of the largest research collections in the country so I assume those are there, too. They stored them all in a public library near the annex.”

“And you know this, how?”

“George, Jim’s father, told me.”

“Had he been there?”

“Of course not. No, his grandfather told him about it.”

“And how exactly did his grandfather know about it?” Spock asked, his tone skeptical.

“Because—don’t give me that look. The information has been passed down through generations of Kirks since before the Dark Time.”

“That seems to have been a common occurrence,” he remarked dryly. “Still, there is no actual firsthand account, is there?”

“Well, no. But, Spock, look around you. Why would a family who put such stock in history, in knowledge, go to the trouble of passing on a rumor?”

He considered her words. “That would seem out of character. Say that it is true, why can’t the books be collected?”

“Something happened, something to do with the nuclear power plant nearby. A meltdown and the place blew up, maybe. We’re not really sure. From what George’s grandfather said, almost the entire population left. Those that didn’t, died.”

If the plant had indeed blown up, then Winona was correct; even to this day entering the area could prove fatal. But a meltdown was not the only accident which could have occurred. He decided to find out.

“How far away is this place?”

“Spock, you’re not thinking of going there, are you?”

“I would not enter unless it was safe. I have equipment that I have collected in my travels which will tell me whether or not it is.”

She hesitated, but eventually rose and walked over to one of the bookcases. She surveyed the books until she found the one she was looking for. She pulled it out and returned to her seat.

“This is a book on the area. I’m not sure it has what you need; the place more than likely doesn’t look anything near the same. But it’s better than nothing and it’ll at least give you a place to start.” She was about to give it to him but stayed her hand. She fixed him with a determined look. “You have to promise me that you won’t enter the city unless it’s absolutely, one hundred percent safe. Do you promise?”

“Yes, Winona, I promise. I have no desire to sacrifice my life for what is, essentially, an exercise in academia.” Vulcan would consider it the height of illogic to throw his life away for information that, though important, was not vital.

“All right.” She handed the book over, though with a show of hesitancy. “As long as you don’t plan on doing anything foolish.”

Spock opened the book, carefully flipping through the pages. Perhaps he had been given this for a reason. Perhaps it was time to move on.

~~~~~

Kirk strolled toward the house, giving into a jaw-cracking yawn; he’d had very little sleep.

And whose fault is that?

Things didn’t always go as planned, did they? When he’d entered Sevilla’s, spending the night with one of the ladies had been the furthest thing from his mind. He figured he’d have a few beers, catch up on what was going on in the area and then crash in one of the empty rooms in the back. But somehow he’d ended up in Yolanda’s bed.

Bad enough the look he’d gotten from Sevilla for not having brought Spock along; even worse was the one on Alice’s face as they’d passed her by on their way to the bedrooms, but he didn’t want to give the woman any ideas. Even prostitutes had dreams and he knew Alice’s was to find a man to marry. He was not that man. Besides, something had drawn him to Yolanda this night.

He grimaced. It didn’t take a genius to figure that one out. Yolanda was slim, with dark hair and eyes. The substitution had fooled his mind long enough for him to empty himself into her. After that, he’d rolled over and pretended to sleep. It was amazing how much the ceiling above her bed had mimicked his own. He’d left at daybreak.

Climbing the steps of the porch, he tried not to think about how he was going to get through the day. Though still early, the day promised to be a warm one and he let himself in with a real sense of relief, the screen door slamming closed behind him.

“Thank heavens you’re home!” Winona came hurrying down the stairs.

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s Spock. He’s upstairs packing his things.”

Kirk glanced up the stairs. “What happened?”

“We were talking last night and somehow it came up about the library in Cedar Rapids. He’s gotten it into his head to go take a look.”

“So, what’s the problem? That’s, what, a couple of days’ ride? I’m sure he’ll be all right, Mom. It’s not like he hasn’t done a lot of traveling and I’m sure he won’t do anything stupid.”

“Want to make a bet? For one thing, he’s refused to take a horse. And he’s packing everything. Jim, I don’t think he’s planning on coming back.”

Kirk couldn’t help the thought that flickered through his mind that Spock moving on was probably for the best but it was instantly overwhelmed with the realization that he did not want Spock to leave. He gave his mother a quick peck on a cheek. “Let me talk to him.”

He took the stairs two at a time. At the door, he waited only long enough to deliver two quick raps before he entered. Sure enough, his pack open on the bed, Spock was busy loading it with his clothes from the bureau. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut, and suddenly he knew that he’d do whatever it took to get Spock to stay.

“Going somewhere?”

Spock didn’t look up but continued what he was doing. “Yes.”

Kirk moved forward so that he standing at the foot of the bed. “How long will you be gone?”

At that, Spock faltered. He looked at the shirt in his hand. “I do not know. Perhaps it would be best if you did not expect my return.”

Kirk pulled the garment out of Spock’s grasp and walked over to the wardrobe. He pulled open the door and began rehanging the item. “You won’t need this. It isn’t cold at night anymore.”

“Jim—”

“It’ll be here when we get back.”

“‘We’?”

With a shrug, Kirk closed the wardrobe and approached his friend. “We.”

“Why, when you have made it perfectly clear that you no longer appreciate my presence?”

Kirk let his gaze wander, trying to get his thoughts in order. Finally, he looked back at his friend. “I know I’ve been an ass recently. I wish I could explain to you why that is but I’m not totally sure why myself.” At the look on Spock’s face, he had the grace to be nonplussed. “Okay, maybe I do, but there’s still a lot of things I have to figure out and I can’t figure them out if you’re not here.”

“Jim,” Spock hesitated, “perhaps it would be for the best if I were to go. These ‘things’ you wish to understand, If they are at all similar to my own thoughts regarding our friendship then we both are—”

“Asking for trouble?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“I’ve been telling myself that since the day I met you. It hasn’t done any good. I don’t care that this could very well be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done and that it’s a very good possibility that I’m opening myself up to a lot of grief. I don’t care. I want you, and whatever you’re willing to give me I’m more than willing to take.”

“I...I am not certain.”

Kirk reached out and gently took Spock’s hand. It was warm and strong and it felt so very natural to be holding it in his. “You don’t have to make a decision right now and whatever you do eventually decide I’ll go along with. But don’t leave me, Spock. Not yet.”

“What of this trip? We would be in close proximity for an extended length of time. Conceivably, it would behoove us both if I were to go alone.”

“Hey, I can be the perfect gentleman when I want to be.” Kirk released Spock’s hand. “Besides, that’s a particularly dangerous stretch of country. You shouldn’t be going by yourself. And if there is going to be something between us, it can wait until we get back. Hell, I’ve waited this long, a few more days won’t kill me.”

Spock appeared almost ready to agree. “Are you sure, Jim? There is so much that makes a relationship between us almost impossible, much more than you know.”

“I’m sure. Finally, I’m sure.”

“Very well,” Spock answered rather reluctantly. “I accept your offer to accompany me.”

“Great, but let’s not leave until tomorrow, okay? That way I can get a good night’s sleep and be fresh and ready to go in the morning.”

“That would be acceptable. I can use the extra day to complete my research on the area.”

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it, then. I’ll go get things rolling, then get some sleep. I’ll see you at dinner?”

“I will be there.”

Kirk retreated to the doorway. He turned and gave his friend a smile before closing the door. He stood there a moment, almost shaky with relief. If he had gotten home much later.... With an unsteady laugh, he started downstairs.



onto Chapter 5, Part 1