Future Imperfect (K/S) Pt 11 of 13
Jul. 2nd, 2011 11:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilda_eliseTitle: Future Imperfect
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Summary: In the ruins of one world, two men of different planets meet. One looks to the future, one to the past. But as their lives intertwine, they find that their happiness is dependent on the past one seeks and the future the other fights for.
Notes: Originally published by Kathy Resch as a stand-alone novel. Artwork by Lorraine Brevig and Virginia Sky.
Many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
artconserv and cluesby4 for allowing me to post their beautiful artwork here.
Chapter 11
Kirk left Muscatine early the next morning after passing the night in Sheila’s spare bedroom. He’d enjoyed his time with Deannie, had even asked to see her again sometime, but he knew, as she seemed to, too, that it was too soon for him to offer anything more than friendship. He’d walked her to her door and with a warm kiss had said goodnight.
The snow was deep, the roads little more than depressions in a landscape of stark white. It had taken him longer than normal to get to Nichols but he’d managed to grab a room at his usual place. He’d paid extra for the hot bath but slept well and was on his way again right after sunup.
He had always enjoyed traveling in winter. The snow covered up any flaws in the landscape, especially the rusting relics of a previous age that especially now brought a melancholy that was hard to break. So he was glad for the continuous fall of snow, a light dusting that didn’t add much to the already considerable amount but that lifted his spirits. He made good time to Lone Tree, stopping only for a quick bite to eat before traveling on to River Junction and crossing the frozen Iowa River around about noon.
Whatever serenity he had managed vanished as he approached the area where Spock’s ship had once sat. He hadn’t planned on making a detour to the place, but had somehow found himself following the trail that had led him away from the ship half a year before. Picking up his tension, Erinnys snorted and tossed his head, as if wishing to be away almost as much as Kirk did. But that did not keep him from slowing and then coming to a stop over the ravine.
He looked down. The snow had blanketed the trees and the skeletal remains of the dormant shrubs. He had to blink his eyes, the white of the snow and the way it formed itself tricking him for a minute into seeing the craft the way it had been that day.
He sat there, gazing at the place that held his last happiness, the warmth leeching out of his body. He lifted his hand to cover his eyes. Damn it, he’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t do this. There was no good in dredging up the past, wishing for what might have been and never would be again.
It took more effort than he thought to finally tear himself away from the place. His snap on the reins was so forceful that Erinnys surged beneath him and took off at a gallop.
Somehow, it was what he needed. The cold wind against his face seemed to clear the cobwebs that had blurred his vision. They pounded out over a mile, then two, Kirk dodging the branches that threatened to unhorse him, the danger of riding at such a speed through the forest exhilarating. But eventually Kirk pulled on the reins and slowed the horse down to an easy canter. They covered the remaining miles quickly and it wasn’t long before he crested a hill and the farm spread out below him, nestled in a blanket of snow.
He picked his way down, being on the lookout for any patches of ice that would make for treacherous footing. Once on level ground he gave Erinnys his head and they flew across the remaining space, coming to a quick halt outside the barn.
Inside, the musky smell of animals and the warmth of their bodies assailed his senses. He walked Erinnys over to his stall, settling the animal in next to Orpheus.
“Hiya, boy, how you doing?” He ran his hand through Orpheus's mane before returning to his task.
I can do this, even if you do think I’m too old for much else.
The memory was stark and bittersweet as he brushed his horse down. He still missed Pete. Though there had long been times when he hadn’t seen the old man for months, he had always known he’d be here, part of his life that had grown small but that still held a vital place in his heart.
Finishing up, he walked over to the house. Snow had piled up on the steps and he knew what he’d be doing in the morning. Still, it was good to be home. He opened the door, calling for his mother as he entered.
~~~~~
The next days were a quiet interlude. Kirk found that he had no interest in going into town. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed this time to himself. Whatever chores he took on he did efficiently but mindlessly, allowing himself the privilege of just being. Though he knew it wouldn’t last, it wasn’t in him to go through life on autopilot, it felt good while he did. Restful. Even shoveling snow turned out to have its own charm.
Kirk stomped his feet, dislodging the snow that had clung to his boots and pant legs. He leaned the shovel against the side of the house and then went inside. He removed his coat, hat and gloves and then took a seat to work his boots off.
“Did you get the path cleared?” Winona asked as she walked out of the kitchen.
“The path, the porch, halfway down the road and we even managed to pull some of it off the roof.” He shoved his boots aside and grabbed his regular shoes. “And if you don’t think I’ve worked up an appetite....”
She laughed. “Stew’s done. I’m just waiting for the bread to be ready.” She looked up at the hall clock. “Another, oh, fifteen minutes should do it. The fire’s going in the bathhouse if you want to wash up first.”
“That’s not a half bad idea. Work the ache out of my arms and legs.”
“Your problem is you’re getting soft.”
He gave her a mock glare. “Hey, watch how you talk about the help.”
“Oh, come on, you know I appreciate your coming home. You could be off enjoying yourself somewhere else instead of spending your off time here.”
“Yeah, right,” he deadpanned.
She sat next to him. “Are you all right? I mean—”
“I know what you mean.” He shrugged but gave her as good a smile as he could manage. “I’m fine. Really.”
“If you say so,” she responded, though she didn’t look convinced. She stood. “I better go keep on eye on the bread. Just come join me when you’re ready.”
“I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”
He finished putting on his shoes then got up and went upstairs for a clean set of clothes before making his way to the bathhouse. He let himself soak for fifteen minutes, the hot water easing his aches and pains. The heat was lulling but he forced himself up and out and quickly dressed. He let the water out and then went to join his mother.
At loose ends after lunch, he wandered into the parlor. Through the window the falling snow cut his view to mere feet. The storm had started the day before and appeared to have decided to stick around for awhile.
Kirk grimaced. There wasn’t a whole lot one could do in this kind of weather. He’d gone out with Lester and Elijah to take care of the animals and to make sure nothing was being buried but now he had the rest of the day to do...what?
Glancing across the hallway, his gaze was caught and held by the large, low table in the center of the library. Many of the books he and Spock had brought back from Cedar Springs were still piled on its surface. Almost reluctantly, he found himself walking over to the other room.
He lit one of the lamps and took a seat next to the table. He was drawn back to the day when he and Spock had last sat here. They’d spent the day going through the books, Spock’s quest for answers taking a back seat to the enjoyment Kirk got just from spending time with his lover. It seemed another lifetime ago.
He opened the book in front of him, not really reading but merely flipping through the pages, trying to imagine how it had been. They had spent an awfully lot of time in here together. If he closed his eyes, he could probably almost see Spock.
“It works better if you open your eyes, you know.”
Kirk’s eyes flew open. His mother stood at the door, her eyes sparkling with humor.
“I wasn’t trying to read it.”
“No?” She walked over and sat next to him. “Then what?”
He shrugged. “Just remembering.”
“That’s not always a good thing.”
“Tell me about it.” He closed the book and placed it on top of one of the piles. “How come these are still out like this? I thought for sure you would have squirreled them away by now.”
She gave him a light punch to the arm. “I don’t ‘squirrel’ things away. Anyway, we’re not keeping them. I’ve already sent a letter to the government asking them to come get them.”
“The way you are about books? Why in the world would you do that?”
“Because they’re depressing. And because I think more people need to read them. That’s not going to happen here.”
He nodded in understanding. “The people of Riverside have never been interested in anything that didn’t have to do with the here and now.”
“Exactly. Anyway, the here and now is often more than enough. Speaking of Riverside, do you have any plans for going into town at all? You’ve been here a week and haven’t once taken a step off of the farm.”
“Not just yet. Give me another couple of weeks to unwind. Then, maybe.” He took a breath. “I was sort of thinking of seeing Merilyn.”
Her eyes went wide. “Why, for heaven’s sake? I know you don’t love the woman, Jim. Why start it all up again now?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because it seems like that’s what I’m supposed to do, at least try to make a normal life for myself. Get married, have kids. That’s what we’ve always been told—”
“No,” she placed two fingers against his mouth for a moment. “ Don’t even go there.”
“What are you talking about? You were always the one who wanted me to have children.”
“I know, but that was before.”
“Before what?”
She motioned with her head to the piles of books in front of them. “Before these. They’re not just depressing, but after reading only a few I started getting the feeling that, beyond anything else, the biggest problem those people had was that there were too damn many of them.”
“Yeah, I sort of picked up on that, too. But that’s not the case anymore. There aren’t enough of us.”
“No, not right now. But what happens when there are? Do we go right on doing what we’ve been doing? When is enough too much? No,” she shook her head and shivered dramatically. “I don’t ever want to live in a world like they had. And I think that means that we have to start doing something about it now, start changing the way we think about our numbers.”
He looked at her with admiration. “You’re something else, you know that? I know how important it was to you that there be someone to pass the farm on to; for you to give up on that dream because of your concern for the planet....”
“Oh, don’t make me out to be a saint, Jim, because I’m not. If I thought we could continue the way we are and then slow down when we hit a certain number, I’d be all for it. But another thing these books told me is that we can’t. We won’t, unless we start thinking that way now.”
He chuckled. “I’m certainly all for it because it gets me off the hook.”
“I figured you would be.” She looked at him askance. “You still thinking of going into town?”
“Yes, but not right away and not for any reason but to see friends. If that’s okay with you, that is,” he added jokingly.
“Oh, ha ha.” She suddenly sobered. “There was another reason I came in here, though.”
“And that is?”
“I was planning on getting rid of some things.”
“You don’t need to get my permission, you know.”
“I know that.” She gave him a sour look. “But I wanted to warn you ahead of time.”
“That sounds serious.”
“It is.” She nervously pushed her hair back behind her ears. “I’m going to empty out your brother’s old room.”
That got his attention. Sam had had the room next to his and on the day Sam had died, two days after their father, his mother had closed and locked the door to that room. As far as Kirk knew, it was exactly the way it had been over twenty years ago.
“What brought that on?” he asked.
“Don’t you think it’s time?”
“I thought it was time a long time ago but I figured you’d do it when you were ready. I guess what I’m wondering is, what’s happened to make you ready?”
“I don’t know. A lot of things, I guess. But mainly it’s because I want Elijah to move into the house. I’ve always thought of him as a son. He might as well live here like one.”
“Have you talked this over with Lester?”
She gave him a funny look. “Why would I talk it over with him?”
“Because it’s going to affect his life, too. The farm is just as important to him as it is to the rest of us.”
Oh, yes, of course. And I have talked to him. He thinks it’s a good idea.”
“That’s good. So, when do you plan to start?”
“Well, actually, I was hoping you’d go up there with me right now. I think...I think it would be easier.”
He took her hand and smiled. “I’d be happy to.”
They stood and, their hands still clasped, she led him out of the room. At the last moment, Kirk released her hand and turned. Grabbing both door handles, he swung them quietly shut. He could only tackle one ghost at a time.
~~~~~
Once he had come to his decision to refuse the bond and return to the Sh’Raan, Spock found that a certain detached calm had settled on him. Not contentment, but far preferable to the constant state of tension and uneasiness that he had lived with for so long.
From time to time a malaise would still settle upon him, but it was something he found manageable. He continued at his job at the VSA, but other than his visits to his parents, he kept to himself. It had occurred to him that he did so in order to hold onto this fragile equanimity. If so, he had not counted on the tenacity of his mother when she felt something was wrong.
“Don’t you like your dinner, Spock?”
He looked up from his plate to see both his parents looking at him. “It is quite good. Why would you think I did not like it?”
“The way you’re eating, it could be anything on your plate.”
He straightened. “It is fine, Mother.”
“Good.” She gave him one of those little half-smiles she seemed to think Sarek didn’t notice.
Spock managed to eat the rest of his food to her satisfaction and later the three of them retired to the garden. They arranged themselves around the low stone table near the back of the garden, each taking a separate bench.
The sun was barely starting to set but a breeze brought an early cooling to the shaded area. Haadok had brought out a tray with a pitcher of tea and three glasses. He had served each of them and had then departed.
“I spoke with Sonak yesterday. He informs me that you have agreed to return to the Sh’Raan,” Sarek said, a slight note of irritation in his voice. “He was perplexed as to why I was not aware of that fact.”
“I was going to inform you this evening.”
“When did you find out about this, Spock?” Amanda appeared clearly confused and not a little hurt.
“It has been...some time. But I will not be leaving for another forty days. The ship was damaged and is being repaired.”
“Then you have decided that this is the course your life should take?”
Spock could not tell if his father was pleased or not. “It appears to be the logical choice.”
“You don’t sound sure. Is there a problem?” Amanda asked.
“Nothing that is of any consequence. In any event, the alternative would have been the survey of a planet with no known life forms and a propensity toward earthquakes. Not the most agreeable of places,” Spock added.
Sarek turned at their servant’s approach. “What is it, Haadok?”
“There is a call for you, Ambassador. From the Andorian council member.”
Sarek rose. “I must take this.”
At his departure, Amanda stood and walked over to Spock. She took a seat next to him on the bench. “Now, you must tell me what it is that is really bothering you.”
“I do not know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do. You’ve been walking around here like a...a zombie since you got back from Earth. Something’s changed, something that’s changed you.” She stared at him for a minute and then her eyes went wide. “You met someone, didn’t you?”
He turned toward her, ready to deny her words but found that he could not. He looked away. “Yes.”
“I am sorry, Spock. I know such a situation can be difficult. Did you...did you ask her to return with you?”
“I asked him.”
Amanda studied him for a moment. “I see. Did he know you weren’t human?”
“He knew. Eventually.”
“Was that when he no longer wished to be with you?”
He turned to face her, stung by her words. “Why would you think he did not wish to be with me?”
“Oh, Spock, I remember my first reaction to your father. It’s not exactly something anyone expects. If the circumstances had been different, I don’t know if I would have left with him. I probably would have run as fast as I could in the other direction.”
“That was not the case. He could not leave.”
“Why not?”
“He had responsibilities he could not disavow.”
“Did he love you?”
“I believe he did.”
“And he knew how you felt?”
“Yes.”
“Then he must be a very important man to sacrifice that.”
Spock considered his words. “Not in the sense that Sarek is. If he were to leave, their world would hardly notice but for those people who know him, whose lives are made more safe, more whole, because of him, it would mean an immeasurable loss.”
“A leader, then?”
“Yes, very much so. It is an integral part of his nature to care for others, which he does in so many different ways. He could not leave.”
“And you, of course, could not stay.”
“No, I—Mother, what are you saying?” he asked, catching something in the tone of her voice.
“Oh, nothing. It just seems a shame that neither of you could find a way to be together.”
“It is complicated.”
She sighed. “It usually is. I don’t know what all went on between the two of you. By the sounds of it, he appears to be a decent man who takes on a lot of responsibilities. But what about you? Were you just someone he could let go of without a second thought? Did he ask you to stay?”
“Yes, he did. But you know as well as I that, for a Vulcan, the intricacies of a relationship are complex. I did not wish to burden him with that.”
“Not everyone is like T’Pring, Spock. In fact, most people aren’t, Vulcan or Terran. Did you even ask him if it was something he could manage? If it was something he might want?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “You didn’t, did you? Why not? Did you think he wouldn’t want it? Or did you not want it?”
“I wished it. At the time, I was not sure if it was something he would desire.”
“But you were afraid to ask.”
“Mother, it was not possible. If we had bonded, either he would have had to return with me or I would have had to stay on Earth. Neither was a viable alternative.”
“You don’t know that.” She made a sound of disgust. “What is sounds like is that both of you were so busy being noble that neither of you bothered to notice that you both were throwing away something you both wanted.”
“You do not understand.”
She made a face. “Don’t tell me I don’t understand. You sound just like your father when you do that. You both turn something so very simple into something so very complicated and all you end up doing is wasting a bunch of time before doing what you should have done in the first place. Like with T’Meni.”
“What has she to do with this?”
“I told him you weren’t ready for another bonding, though in that it seems I was wrong, too. But I knew you weren’t ready to bond with her. That’s why I didn’t stay when he brought it up to you. We’d already discussed it and he knew I didn’t agree. Of course, he did it anyway and look where it got you. All those months, you held up your own life as well as hers.”
“Sarek implied that she was not aware of the negotiations.”
“Oh, I’m sure he did. He was probably just trying to...to ease the pressure on you. But how could she not know? Once she said something to her father, she must have known he’d pass the word on to Sarek.”
“I regret the disruption to her life. It was not done deliberately.”
“I know that.” She lay her hand on his arm, something she rarely did anymore. In some ways, she had become more Vulcan over the years. “All I’m saying is that you need to think about what you want. And whatever it is, make that your first priority. Will you try to do that?”
He was grateful for her concern, so nodded his head though he was no more sure now of his course than at the beginning of their conversation. “I will try.”
“Good.” She stood, encouraging him to also rise by slipping her arm through his. “I think I hear your father. He’ll want dessert now.”
~~~~~
The glare of the sun bouncing off the snow was the only annoyance, and a rather small one at that, as Kirk took the road into town. The storm had finally passed, leaving everything draped in white and a crisp snap to the air that Kirk had always loved.
He let Erinnys set the pace. The horse seemed just as willing to take his time, moving at a medium clip that would see them reaching town in an hour or so. That was fine with Kirk. He was enjoying the solitude that had become hard to come by at home. He chuckled to himself. Winona had been in full mother-hen mode ever since the day a couple of weeks before when they’d cleared out Sam’s old room.
Strange how pleasant it had been. The years had dimmed the memories, at least for Kirk, and what little he did remember were only fond recollections that brought no pain. Even Winona had seemed more wistful than sad.
But since then she had made a point of spending as much time with him as she could. He knew that she had picked up on his melancholy. Most of the time he could push it away, make the contentment he pretended to feel almost real. But she’d seen the times when it took him over and he could tell it worried her.
A squirrel darted across the road and pulled him from his reflections. Deciding that maybe solitude wasn’t the best thing for him, he snapped the reins to send Erinnys into a fast walk. Within twenty minutes he entered the town.
After leaving his horse at the livery, he walked over to the mercantile store. Winona had talked about making new curtains for Sam’s old room and had asked him to pick up something called swatches. He sure hoped Laura was working because he doubted Bob would know what they were. He sure didn’t and he hadn’t been about to ask, not with the look of amusement that had been on his mother’s face.
He walked in, the bell over the door announcing his arrival. There were a few other people wandering around the store; Swithers’ was the biggest store in town and walking through its aisles was considered a great way to spend a day.
Kirk meandered over to the counter and found Bob Swithers behind it, perched at the top of a ladder restocking the top shelves. Catching sight of him, the man hurried down, which, considering his size, was no easy feat. Laura was known far and wide for her cooking.
“Hiya, Jim, I didn’t know you were back,” Swithers commented as he wiped his hands down with a rag.
“Yeah, the river’s frozen solid. I’ll probably be here for at least another month.”
“So, what brings you into town? Business or pleasure?”
Kirk grinned. “A little of both. Winona’s looking to make some curtains and wanted me to pick up some swatches. Any idea what she’s talking about?”
“I sure do,” Swithers announced and then came around the counter. “Follow me.”
He led Kirk down between the aisles, past glassware on one side, pots and pans on the other. Finally, at the rear of the store were two large tables, both loaded down with bolts of material.
“Where did you get all these?” Kirk asked, stunned by the amount.
Swithers winked. “Trade secret. One thing I can tell you, it’ll probably never happen again. Usually all we can manage is maybe a half dozen bolts at a time.”
Kirk scanned the tables, not a little mesmerized. “This stuff will last you years.”
“Don’t count on it. Some women collect this stuff like gold. Let me get those swatches for you.” He walked over to a cabinet pushed off to the side and opened the top drawer. “They’re in here somewhere.”
“Planning on doing some sewing, Jim?”
He turned. It was Merilyn. “Winona is. I’m here to pick up swatches,” he intoned dramatically.
She gave him a mock-stern look in return. “I hope you take your task seriously. You wouldn’t want them to fall into enemy hands.”
“Heaven forbid.” He smiled. “You’re looking really good, Merilyn.”
“Thank you, I’m glad you noticed.” She momentarily lowered her head to hide a smile. “So, are you really here for swatches?”
“Cross my heart.” Which he then proceeded to do.
“And then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“What happens after you get your swatches?”
“I was thinking of heading over to Sevilla’s for an early lunch.” He hesitated. “You wouldn’t want to join me, would you?”
This time, she didn’t try to hide her smile. “It would be my pleasure.”
~~~~~
After that, Kirk found he and Merilyn settling back into the friendship they’d shared as children. Whenever he would go into town he’d look her up and they’d spend time together; sometimes as little as ten minutes, sometimes hours. But he found that he liked being comfortable around her again.
“Have you heard anything about your ship?” Merilyn asked.
They sat in the Kirk parlor having coffee with Winona. Even Merilyn’s relationship with his mother had improved, to the point where the two women could almost be called friends.
“I got a letter a couple of days ago. The river is still frozen solid.” He glanced out the window and made a face at the drifts of snow that once again piled up against the porch railing. “I’m hoping it won’t be much more than another month but by the looks of things....I don’t know.”
“Yes, he can’t wait to leave us,” Winona deadpanned.
“You know it’s not that,” Kirk protested.
“I don’t know why you’re surprised, Winona. Even as a little boy, I remember he never wanted to stay in the same place for very long.” Merilyn chuckled. “I probably know every inch of this farm by heart—as well as some places we weren’t supposed to visit.”
“Hey, you said you’d never tell.” Kirk shook his head in protest. “Besides, I wasn’t that bad.”
Both women looked at him with unfeigned surprise.
“Okay, maybe I was. But you can’t say you didn’t have fun.”
“That’s true.” Merilyn nodded then looked over at the mantle clock. “Oh, I better be getting home. Saturday’s always busy.”
“Let me get that material I was telling you about.” Winona stood and hurried upstairs.
“What material?” Kirk asked.
“It’s what she had left from the curtains. She thinks there’s enough for me to make new ones for one of the rooms over the restaurant.”
“Oh.” Kirk smiled. “You wait here. I’ll go get my horse and meet you outside.
Five minutes later they were on their way. It was a nice night, cold but no breeze. They rode mostly in silence, easy with each other. When they got to the Morning Star, he left her with a goodnight kiss.
He had planned on going straight home, but a restlessness had been building in him the last few days, one he was very familiar with. It just wasn’t in him to be inactive for so long. Studying his options, not that he had that many, he decided to pay Gil a visit.
The place was busy but he caught the welcoming wave from its proprietor standing in his customary place behind the bar. Kirk walked over and sat on the closest unoccupied stool. Within the span of two or three seconds, a glass of beer was placed in front of him.
“Drink up, my friend.” Sevilla nodded toward the glass. “It’s on the house.”
“What’s the occasion?” Kirk asked before taking a drink.
“Eladio’s getting married.”
“You’re kidding?” Kirk glanced over at the young man who was busy serving customers. “Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Cindy Swithers.”
“Bob and Laura’s daughter?”
“The very same. It seems there was a reason it always took him so long to get the supplies.”
“That’s nice...I guess.”
Sevilla laughed. “Not everyone is as put off by marriage as you are.”
“I’m not put off by marriage. It’s just...”
“Complicated? You are speaking to someone who knows that quite well.”
Kirk frowned and his response was tentative. “I always thought your marriage was a good one.”
“It was. Gloria was everything a man could ask for in a woman. Beautiful, intelligent, funny.” He chuckled. “And she could cook. But where do you go from the best?”
“You don’t think you’ll ever find someone else?”
The man shrugged. “One is lucky to find such perfection once. But twice? It doesn’t seem likely.”
Kirk reflected on his words. Is that what he’d found in Spock? Perfection? And would he spend the rest of his life trying to find it again? He couldn’t help but be depressed by that thought.
He must have seen something on Kirk’s face, because Sevilla put his hand on Kirk’s arm and squeezed it gently. “Sometimes, we must make do with memories but at least we have those memories, isn’t that so?”
Kirk gave his friend a long look. “Is it enough for you?”
Sevilla shrugged. “It has been so for over twenty years. Will it always be? I don’t know. A man grows lonely and sometimes I think about having someone to share my life with, someone to chase away the loneliness.”
It was the same thought that had been bouncing around in Kirk’s mind for awhile now. Spock was gone, and nothing Kirk did was ever going to bring him back. The last seven months had been the loneliest of his life. He didn’t want to think about spending the rest of his life this way, alone and longing for something he could never have.
“Twenty years is a long time to be lonely, Gil,” he finally said.
“It has not been so bad. At first, maybe, but that was because I was missing Gloria so much. But now,” he shrugged. “Who’d want an old guy like me, anyway?”
“You’re not old. You’re, what, ten years older than me?”
“About, but sometimes, my friend, I feel ancient.” He nodded toward Kirk’s glass. “Drink up. The night is young and we’re supposed to be celebrating, not feeling sorry for ourselves.”
Kirk downed his drink and gave his friend a ‘what the hell’ look. He watched as Sevilla refilled his glass. At least for tonight, he was going to forget the past. The future could take care of itself.
~~~~~
“God, my head.”
Kirk sat at the kitchen table, said head in his hands. He barely remembered riding home the night before, much less removing his clothes and falling into bed. He’d woken up well past sunrise to find himself sprawled face down, a blanket covering him and his head feeling like it was about to explode. He’d thrown on what he’d worn the night before and walked gingerly down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Winona had turned at his entrance and given him a sour look. “It’s about time. I went to wake you a couple of hours ago and all I could get out of you was a mumbled ‘go away.’”
Still, she brought him over a cup of coffee and started on his breakfast. He wasn’t so sure he was going to be able to eat it.
“So, what was the occasion?” she asked.
“Occasion?” He was having trouble getting his brain to work.
“For tying one on last night. That is what you did, isn’t it?”
He looked up and squinted. God, it was bright in here. “I think so. I remember going to Sevilla’s and...that’s right, they were celebrating Eladio’s coming marriage.”
“Cindy finally got him to pop the question, did she?”
“You knew about them?”
She turned and gave him a disgusted look before returning to her cooking. “Just about everyone knew about them, Jim. Everyone who was paying attention, anyway.” She removed the pan from the stove top and transferred the food to a plate. Placing it in front of Kirk, she loudly tsked. “You’re going to be worthless today.”
He gave her a somewhat wobbly smile as he pulled the plate toward him and picked up his fork. Stabbing a piece of egg, he hesitantly put it in his mouth. When it went down and stayed there, he slowly began on the rest.
“I’ll be okay, just give me a couple of hours. I’ll know by then if I’m going to live or die.”
She sat across from him, her concern apparent. “It’s not like you to get so drunk.”
It wasn’t and he’d known that but he’d proceeded to get thoroughly plastered anyway. It had felt good at the time.
“I know.” He scratched his head which he was keeping propped up on a fist while he ate. “It’s just...I needed a break, I guess.”
“A break from what?”
“Everything. Anything. I don’t know.”
“Don’t give me that,” she shot back angrily. “This is about Spock, isn’t it?” She swore. “I could just kill that man.”
“Don’t, don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s his fault, isn’t it? Most of the time you’re only half here, your mind off who knows where. He’s sucked the life right out of you and you don’t seem to be able to let go.”
“Oh, come on, I’m not that bad, am I?” he asked, half joking, half concerned that she was right.
“Well, maybe not all the time,” she conceded. “But, Jim, there is something missing from you. Maybe most people don’t see it but I do and I hate it. You’ve always been so full of life, nothing could keep you down for long. Now, it’s as if you’re only going through the motions most of the time.”
He finally nodded, reluctantly acknowledging the truth of her statement. “I really did think I had a better handle on it but just when I think I’m over...all of it, something happens and it’s all right there again. You’re right, I’ve never acted this way over losing someone but I’ve never felt toward someone the way I felt, the way I feel toward him.”
“It’s been seven months, Jim. You have to forget him and move on with your life.” Winona ran her fingers through his hair. “It’s tearing you apart. Some times I think about what we discovered and I wish Spock had never come here. It destroyed the past we believed in and it destroyed your future. I don’t know why he left, but there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t damn him for what he did to you.”
He caught her hand, entwining their fingers together. “No, don’t do that. Our separating, it was a joint decision. He had to leave, just like I had to stay.”
“Why? Does it really matter so much to him where he goes? He has no ties; why couldn’t he have stayed with you?”
“It’s complicated.” Kirk shook his head. “There are things I can’t tell you, things that Spock wanted kept private. Just know that I was as much to blame as he was. I knew going into it that I was probably going to get my heart broken. I did it anyway; I’d do it again, gladly.”
“Does he mean that much to you?”
“Unfortunately, yes. But I know he’s not coming back and I know I have to get over him. Just give me a little more time, okay?”
She looked at him, as if wanting to believe but somehow being unable to. Finally, she smiled sadly and nodded. “Okay, Jim. I suppose I’m not in a position to talk. It took me a long time to get over your father. I guess I forget that losing someone is losing someone, no matter how. But promise me one thing, will you?”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t take too long, that you’ll keep yourself open to another relationship.”
He squeezed her hand. “I think I can do that.”
“Good.” She pulled her hand away and nudged his plate. “Now, finish eating. I have plans for you today, hangover or no hangover.”
He was glad she was letting the subject drop; it wasn’t anything he cared to think about and had tried his best not to. But maybe that had been the problem. Maybe he needed to think it through, truly accept that Spock was gone and relegate him to nothing more than memories. He dug back into his food, vowing to himself that he was done with grieving. It was time to take his life back.
onto Chapter 12
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Summary: In the ruins of one world, two men of different planets meet. One looks to the future, one to the past. But as their lives intertwine, they find that their happiness is dependent on the past one seeks and the future the other fights for.
Notes: Originally published by Kathy Resch as a stand-alone novel. Artwork by Lorraine Brevig and Virginia Sky.
Many thanks to
artconserv and cluesby4 for allowing me to post their beautiful artwork here.Kirk left Muscatine early the next morning after passing the night in Sheila’s spare bedroom. He’d enjoyed his time with Deannie, had even asked to see her again sometime, but he knew, as she seemed to, too, that it was too soon for him to offer anything more than friendship. He’d walked her to her door and with a warm kiss had said goodnight.
The snow was deep, the roads little more than depressions in a landscape of stark white. It had taken him longer than normal to get to Nichols but he’d managed to grab a room at his usual place. He’d paid extra for the hot bath but slept well and was on his way again right after sunup.
He had always enjoyed traveling in winter. The snow covered up any flaws in the landscape, especially the rusting relics of a previous age that especially now brought a melancholy that was hard to break. So he was glad for the continuous fall of snow, a light dusting that didn’t add much to the already considerable amount but that lifted his spirits. He made good time to Lone Tree, stopping only for a quick bite to eat before traveling on to River Junction and crossing the frozen Iowa River around about noon.
Whatever serenity he had managed vanished as he approached the area where Spock’s ship had once sat. He hadn’t planned on making a detour to the place, but had somehow found himself following the trail that had led him away from the ship half a year before. Picking up his tension, Erinnys snorted and tossed his head, as if wishing to be away almost as much as Kirk did. But that did not keep him from slowing and then coming to a stop over the ravine.
He looked down. The snow had blanketed the trees and the skeletal remains of the dormant shrubs. He had to blink his eyes, the white of the snow and the way it formed itself tricking him for a minute into seeing the craft the way it had been that day.
He sat there, gazing at the place that held his last happiness, the warmth leeching out of his body. He lifted his hand to cover his eyes. Damn it, he’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t do this. There was no good in dredging up the past, wishing for what might have been and never would be again.
It took more effort than he thought to finally tear himself away from the place. His snap on the reins was so forceful that Erinnys surged beneath him and took off at a gallop.
Somehow, it was what he needed. The cold wind against his face seemed to clear the cobwebs that had blurred his vision. They pounded out over a mile, then two, Kirk dodging the branches that threatened to unhorse him, the danger of riding at such a speed through the forest exhilarating. But eventually Kirk pulled on the reins and slowed the horse down to an easy canter. They covered the remaining miles quickly and it wasn’t long before he crested a hill and the farm spread out below him, nestled in a blanket of snow.
He picked his way down, being on the lookout for any patches of ice that would make for treacherous footing. Once on level ground he gave Erinnys his head and they flew across the remaining space, coming to a quick halt outside the barn.
Inside, the musky smell of animals and the warmth of their bodies assailed his senses. He walked Erinnys over to his stall, settling the animal in next to Orpheus.
“Hiya, boy, how you doing?” He ran his hand through Orpheus's mane before returning to his task.
I can do this, even if you do think I’m too old for much else.
The memory was stark and bittersweet as he brushed his horse down. He still missed Pete. Though there had long been times when he hadn’t seen the old man for months, he had always known he’d be here, part of his life that had grown small but that still held a vital place in his heart.
Finishing up, he walked over to the house. Snow had piled up on the steps and he knew what he’d be doing in the morning. Still, it was good to be home. He opened the door, calling for his mother as he entered.
The next days were a quiet interlude. Kirk found that he had no interest in going into town. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed this time to himself. Whatever chores he took on he did efficiently but mindlessly, allowing himself the privilege of just being. Though he knew it wouldn’t last, it wasn’t in him to go through life on autopilot, it felt good while he did. Restful. Even shoveling snow turned out to have its own charm.
Kirk stomped his feet, dislodging the snow that had clung to his boots and pant legs. He leaned the shovel against the side of the house and then went inside. He removed his coat, hat and gloves and then took a seat to work his boots off.
“Did you get the path cleared?” Winona asked as she walked out of the kitchen.
“The path, the porch, halfway down the road and we even managed to pull some of it off the roof.” He shoved his boots aside and grabbed his regular shoes. “And if you don’t think I’ve worked up an appetite....”
She laughed. “Stew’s done. I’m just waiting for the bread to be ready.” She looked up at the hall clock. “Another, oh, fifteen minutes should do it. The fire’s going in the bathhouse if you want to wash up first.”
“That’s not a half bad idea. Work the ache out of my arms and legs.”
“Your problem is you’re getting soft.”
He gave her a mock glare. “Hey, watch how you talk about the help.”
“Oh, come on, you know I appreciate your coming home. You could be off enjoying yourself somewhere else instead of spending your off time here.”
“Yeah, right,” he deadpanned.
She sat next to him. “Are you all right? I mean—”
“I know what you mean.” He shrugged but gave her as good a smile as he could manage. “I’m fine. Really.”
“If you say so,” she responded, though she didn’t look convinced. She stood. “I better go keep on eye on the bread. Just come join me when you’re ready.”
“I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”
He finished putting on his shoes then got up and went upstairs for a clean set of clothes before making his way to the bathhouse. He let himself soak for fifteen minutes, the hot water easing his aches and pains. The heat was lulling but he forced himself up and out and quickly dressed. He let the water out and then went to join his mother.
At loose ends after lunch, he wandered into the parlor. Through the window the falling snow cut his view to mere feet. The storm had started the day before and appeared to have decided to stick around for awhile.
Kirk grimaced. There wasn’t a whole lot one could do in this kind of weather. He’d gone out with Lester and Elijah to take care of the animals and to make sure nothing was being buried but now he had the rest of the day to do...what?
Glancing across the hallway, his gaze was caught and held by the large, low table in the center of the library. Many of the books he and Spock had brought back from Cedar Springs were still piled on its surface. Almost reluctantly, he found himself walking over to the other room.
He lit one of the lamps and took a seat next to the table. He was drawn back to the day when he and Spock had last sat here. They’d spent the day going through the books, Spock’s quest for answers taking a back seat to the enjoyment Kirk got just from spending time with his lover. It seemed another lifetime ago.
He opened the book in front of him, not really reading but merely flipping through the pages, trying to imagine how it had been. They had spent an awfully lot of time in here together. If he closed his eyes, he could probably almost see Spock.
“It works better if you open your eyes, you know.”
Kirk’s eyes flew open. His mother stood at the door, her eyes sparkling with humor.
“I wasn’t trying to read it.”
“No?” She walked over and sat next to him. “Then what?”
He shrugged. “Just remembering.”
“That’s not always a good thing.”
“Tell me about it.” He closed the book and placed it on top of one of the piles. “How come these are still out like this? I thought for sure you would have squirreled them away by now.”
She gave him a light punch to the arm. “I don’t ‘squirrel’ things away. Anyway, we’re not keeping them. I’ve already sent a letter to the government asking them to come get them.”
“The way you are about books? Why in the world would you do that?”
“Because they’re depressing. And because I think more people need to read them. That’s not going to happen here.”
He nodded in understanding. “The people of Riverside have never been interested in anything that didn’t have to do with the here and now.”
“Exactly. Anyway, the here and now is often more than enough. Speaking of Riverside, do you have any plans for going into town at all? You’ve been here a week and haven’t once taken a step off of the farm.”
“Not just yet. Give me another couple of weeks to unwind. Then, maybe.” He took a breath. “I was sort of thinking of seeing Merilyn.”
Her eyes went wide. “Why, for heaven’s sake? I know you don’t love the woman, Jim. Why start it all up again now?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because it seems like that’s what I’m supposed to do, at least try to make a normal life for myself. Get married, have kids. That’s what we’ve always been told—”
“No,” she placed two fingers against his mouth for a moment. “ Don’t even go there.”
“What are you talking about? You were always the one who wanted me to have children.”
“I know, but that was before.”
“Before what?”
She motioned with her head to the piles of books in front of them. “Before these. They’re not just depressing, but after reading only a few I started getting the feeling that, beyond anything else, the biggest problem those people had was that there were too damn many of them.”
“Yeah, I sort of picked up on that, too. But that’s not the case anymore. There aren’t enough of us.”
“No, not right now. But what happens when there are? Do we go right on doing what we’ve been doing? When is enough too much? No,” she shook her head and shivered dramatically. “I don’t ever want to live in a world like they had. And I think that means that we have to start doing something about it now, start changing the way we think about our numbers.”
He looked at her with admiration. “You’re something else, you know that? I know how important it was to you that there be someone to pass the farm on to; for you to give up on that dream because of your concern for the planet....”
“Oh, don’t make me out to be a saint, Jim, because I’m not. If I thought we could continue the way we are and then slow down when we hit a certain number, I’d be all for it. But another thing these books told me is that we can’t. We won’t, unless we start thinking that way now.”
He chuckled. “I’m certainly all for it because it gets me off the hook.”
“I figured you would be.” She looked at him askance. “You still thinking of going into town?”
“Yes, but not right away and not for any reason but to see friends. If that’s okay with you, that is,” he added jokingly.
“Oh, ha ha.” She suddenly sobered. “There was another reason I came in here, though.”
“And that is?”
“I was planning on getting rid of some things.”
“You don’t need to get my permission, you know.”
“I know that.” She gave him a sour look. “But I wanted to warn you ahead of time.”
“That sounds serious.”
“It is.” She nervously pushed her hair back behind her ears. “I’m going to empty out your brother’s old room.”
That got his attention. Sam had had the room next to his and on the day Sam had died, two days after their father, his mother had closed and locked the door to that room. As far as Kirk knew, it was exactly the way it had been over twenty years ago.
“What brought that on?” he asked.
“Don’t you think it’s time?”
“I thought it was time a long time ago but I figured you’d do it when you were ready. I guess what I’m wondering is, what’s happened to make you ready?”
“I don’t know. A lot of things, I guess. But mainly it’s because I want Elijah to move into the house. I’ve always thought of him as a son. He might as well live here like one.”
“Have you talked this over with Lester?”
She gave him a funny look. “Why would I talk it over with him?”
“Because it’s going to affect his life, too. The farm is just as important to him as it is to the rest of us.”
Oh, yes, of course. And I have talked to him. He thinks it’s a good idea.”
“That’s good. So, when do you plan to start?”
“Well, actually, I was hoping you’d go up there with me right now. I think...I think it would be easier.”
He took her hand and smiled. “I’d be happy to.”
They stood and, their hands still clasped, she led him out of the room. At the last moment, Kirk released her hand and turned. Grabbing both door handles, he swung them quietly shut. He could only tackle one ghost at a time.
Once he had come to his decision to refuse the bond and return to the Sh’Raan, Spock found that a certain detached calm had settled on him. Not contentment, but far preferable to the constant state of tension and uneasiness that he had lived with for so long.
From time to time a malaise would still settle upon him, but it was something he found manageable. He continued at his job at the VSA, but other than his visits to his parents, he kept to himself. It had occurred to him that he did so in order to hold onto this fragile equanimity. If so, he had not counted on the tenacity of his mother when she felt something was wrong.
“Don’t you like your dinner, Spock?”
He looked up from his plate to see both his parents looking at him. “It is quite good. Why would you think I did not like it?”
“The way you’re eating, it could be anything on your plate.”
He straightened. “It is fine, Mother.”
“Good.” She gave him one of those little half-smiles she seemed to think Sarek didn’t notice.
Spock managed to eat the rest of his food to her satisfaction and later the three of them retired to the garden. They arranged themselves around the low stone table near the back of the garden, each taking a separate bench.
The sun was barely starting to set but a breeze brought an early cooling to the shaded area. Haadok had brought out a tray with a pitcher of tea and three glasses. He had served each of them and had then departed.
“I spoke with Sonak yesterday. He informs me that you have agreed to return to the Sh’Raan,” Sarek said, a slight note of irritation in his voice. “He was perplexed as to why I was not aware of that fact.”
“I was going to inform you this evening.”
“When did you find out about this, Spock?” Amanda appeared clearly confused and not a little hurt.
“It has been...some time. But I will not be leaving for another forty days. The ship was damaged and is being repaired.”
“Then you have decided that this is the course your life should take?”
Spock could not tell if his father was pleased or not. “It appears to be the logical choice.”
“You don’t sound sure. Is there a problem?” Amanda asked.
“Nothing that is of any consequence. In any event, the alternative would have been the survey of a planet with no known life forms and a propensity toward earthquakes. Not the most agreeable of places,” Spock added.
Sarek turned at their servant’s approach. “What is it, Haadok?”
“There is a call for you, Ambassador. From the Andorian council member.”
Sarek rose. “I must take this.”
At his departure, Amanda stood and walked over to Spock. She took a seat next to him on the bench. “Now, you must tell me what it is that is really bothering you.”
“I do not know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do. You’ve been walking around here like a...a zombie since you got back from Earth. Something’s changed, something that’s changed you.” She stared at him for a minute and then her eyes went wide. “You met someone, didn’t you?”
He turned toward her, ready to deny her words but found that he could not. He looked away. “Yes.”
“I am sorry, Spock. I know such a situation can be difficult. Did you...did you ask her to return with you?”
“I asked him.”
Amanda studied him for a moment. “I see. Did he know you weren’t human?”
“He knew. Eventually.”
“Was that when he no longer wished to be with you?”
He turned to face her, stung by her words. “Why would you think he did not wish to be with me?”
“Oh, Spock, I remember my first reaction to your father. It’s not exactly something anyone expects. If the circumstances had been different, I don’t know if I would have left with him. I probably would have run as fast as I could in the other direction.”
“That was not the case. He could not leave.”
“Why not?”
“He had responsibilities he could not disavow.”
“Did he love you?”
“I believe he did.”
“And he knew how you felt?”
“Yes.”
“Then he must be a very important man to sacrifice that.”
Spock considered his words. “Not in the sense that Sarek is. If he were to leave, their world would hardly notice but for those people who know him, whose lives are made more safe, more whole, because of him, it would mean an immeasurable loss.”
“A leader, then?”
“Yes, very much so. It is an integral part of his nature to care for others, which he does in so many different ways. He could not leave.”
“And you, of course, could not stay.”
“No, I—Mother, what are you saying?” he asked, catching something in the tone of her voice.
“Oh, nothing. It just seems a shame that neither of you could find a way to be together.”
“It is complicated.”
She sighed. “It usually is. I don’t know what all went on between the two of you. By the sounds of it, he appears to be a decent man who takes on a lot of responsibilities. But what about you? Were you just someone he could let go of without a second thought? Did he ask you to stay?”
“Yes, he did. But you know as well as I that, for a Vulcan, the intricacies of a relationship are complex. I did not wish to burden him with that.”
“Not everyone is like T’Pring, Spock. In fact, most people aren’t, Vulcan or Terran. Did you even ask him if it was something he could manage? If it was something he might want?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “You didn’t, did you? Why not? Did you think he wouldn’t want it? Or did you not want it?”
“I wished it. At the time, I was not sure if it was something he would desire.”
“But you were afraid to ask.”
“Mother, it was not possible. If we had bonded, either he would have had to return with me or I would have had to stay on Earth. Neither was a viable alternative.”
“You don’t know that.” She made a sound of disgust. “What is sounds like is that both of you were so busy being noble that neither of you bothered to notice that you both were throwing away something you both wanted.”
“You do not understand.”
She made a face. “Don’t tell me I don’t understand. You sound just like your father when you do that. You both turn something so very simple into something so very complicated and all you end up doing is wasting a bunch of time before doing what you should have done in the first place. Like with T’Meni.”
“What has she to do with this?”
“I told him you weren’t ready for another bonding, though in that it seems I was wrong, too. But I knew you weren’t ready to bond with her. That’s why I didn’t stay when he brought it up to you. We’d already discussed it and he knew I didn’t agree. Of course, he did it anyway and look where it got you. All those months, you held up your own life as well as hers.”
“Sarek implied that she was not aware of the negotiations.”
“Oh, I’m sure he did. He was probably just trying to...to ease the pressure on you. But how could she not know? Once she said something to her father, she must have known he’d pass the word on to Sarek.”
“I regret the disruption to her life. It was not done deliberately.”
“I know that.” She lay her hand on his arm, something she rarely did anymore. In some ways, she had become more Vulcan over the years. “All I’m saying is that you need to think about what you want. And whatever it is, make that your first priority. Will you try to do that?”
He was grateful for her concern, so nodded his head though he was no more sure now of his course than at the beginning of their conversation. “I will try.”
“Good.” She stood, encouraging him to also rise by slipping her arm through his. “I think I hear your father. He’ll want dessert now.”
The glare of the sun bouncing off the snow was the only annoyance, and a rather small one at that, as Kirk took the road into town. The storm had finally passed, leaving everything draped in white and a crisp snap to the air that Kirk had always loved.
He let Erinnys set the pace. The horse seemed just as willing to take his time, moving at a medium clip that would see them reaching town in an hour or so. That was fine with Kirk. He was enjoying the solitude that had become hard to come by at home. He chuckled to himself. Winona had been in full mother-hen mode ever since the day a couple of weeks before when they’d cleared out Sam’s old room.
Strange how pleasant it had been. The years had dimmed the memories, at least for Kirk, and what little he did remember were only fond recollections that brought no pain. Even Winona had seemed more wistful than sad.
But since then she had made a point of spending as much time with him as she could. He knew that she had picked up on his melancholy. Most of the time he could push it away, make the contentment he pretended to feel almost real. But she’d seen the times when it took him over and he could tell it worried her.
A squirrel darted across the road and pulled him from his reflections. Deciding that maybe solitude wasn’t the best thing for him, he snapped the reins to send Erinnys into a fast walk. Within twenty minutes he entered the town.
After leaving his horse at the livery, he walked over to the mercantile store. Winona had talked about making new curtains for Sam’s old room and had asked him to pick up something called swatches. He sure hoped Laura was working because he doubted Bob would know what they were. He sure didn’t and he hadn’t been about to ask, not with the look of amusement that had been on his mother’s face.
He walked in, the bell over the door announcing his arrival. There were a few other people wandering around the store; Swithers’ was the biggest store in town and walking through its aisles was considered a great way to spend a day.
Kirk meandered over to the counter and found Bob Swithers behind it, perched at the top of a ladder restocking the top shelves. Catching sight of him, the man hurried down, which, considering his size, was no easy feat. Laura was known far and wide for her cooking.
“Hiya, Jim, I didn’t know you were back,” Swithers commented as he wiped his hands down with a rag.
“Yeah, the river’s frozen solid. I’ll probably be here for at least another month.”
“So, what brings you into town? Business or pleasure?”
Kirk grinned. “A little of both. Winona’s looking to make some curtains and wanted me to pick up some swatches. Any idea what she’s talking about?”
“I sure do,” Swithers announced and then came around the counter. “Follow me.”
He led Kirk down between the aisles, past glassware on one side, pots and pans on the other. Finally, at the rear of the store were two large tables, both loaded down with bolts of material.
“Where did you get all these?” Kirk asked, stunned by the amount.
Swithers winked. “Trade secret. One thing I can tell you, it’ll probably never happen again. Usually all we can manage is maybe a half dozen bolts at a time.”
Kirk scanned the tables, not a little mesmerized. “This stuff will last you years.”
“Don’t count on it. Some women collect this stuff like gold. Let me get those swatches for you.” He walked over to a cabinet pushed off to the side and opened the top drawer. “They’re in here somewhere.”
“Planning on doing some sewing, Jim?”
He turned. It was Merilyn. “Winona is. I’m here to pick up swatches,” he intoned dramatically.
She gave him a mock-stern look in return. “I hope you take your task seriously. You wouldn’t want them to fall into enemy hands.”
“Heaven forbid.” He smiled. “You’re looking really good, Merilyn.”
“Thank you, I’m glad you noticed.” She momentarily lowered her head to hide a smile. “So, are you really here for swatches?”
“Cross my heart.” Which he then proceeded to do.
“And then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“What happens after you get your swatches?”
“I was thinking of heading over to Sevilla’s for an early lunch.” He hesitated. “You wouldn’t want to join me, would you?”
This time, she didn’t try to hide her smile. “It would be my pleasure.”
After that, Kirk found he and Merilyn settling back into the friendship they’d shared as children. Whenever he would go into town he’d look her up and they’d spend time together; sometimes as little as ten minutes, sometimes hours. But he found that he liked being comfortable around her again.
“Have you heard anything about your ship?” Merilyn asked.
They sat in the Kirk parlor having coffee with Winona. Even Merilyn’s relationship with his mother had improved, to the point where the two women could almost be called friends.
“I got a letter a couple of days ago. The river is still frozen solid.” He glanced out the window and made a face at the drifts of snow that once again piled up against the porch railing. “I’m hoping it won’t be much more than another month but by the looks of things....I don’t know.”
“Yes, he can’t wait to leave us,” Winona deadpanned.
“You know it’s not that,” Kirk protested.
“I don’t know why you’re surprised, Winona. Even as a little boy, I remember he never wanted to stay in the same place for very long.” Merilyn chuckled. “I probably know every inch of this farm by heart—as well as some places we weren’t supposed to visit.”
“Hey, you said you’d never tell.” Kirk shook his head in protest. “Besides, I wasn’t that bad.”
Both women looked at him with unfeigned surprise.
“Okay, maybe I was. But you can’t say you didn’t have fun.”
“That’s true.” Merilyn nodded then looked over at the mantle clock. “Oh, I better be getting home. Saturday’s always busy.”
“Let me get that material I was telling you about.” Winona stood and hurried upstairs.
“What material?” Kirk asked.
“It’s what she had left from the curtains. She thinks there’s enough for me to make new ones for one of the rooms over the restaurant.”
“Oh.” Kirk smiled. “You wait here. I’ll go get my horse and meet you outside.
Five minutes later they were on their way. It was a nice night, cold but no breeze. They rode mostly in silence, easy with each other. When they got to the Morning Star, he left her with a goodnight kiss.
He had planned on going straight home, but a restlessness had been building in him the last few days, one he was very familiar with. It just wasn’t in him to be inactive for so long. Studying his options, not that he had that many, he decided to pay Gil a visit.
The place was busy but he caught the welcoming wave from its proprietor standing in his customary place behind the bar. Kirk walked over and sat on the closest unoccupied stool. Within the span of two or three seconds, a glass of beer was placed in front of him.
“Drink up, my friend.” Sevilla nodded toward the glass. “It’s on the house.”
“What’s the occasion?” Kirk asked before taking a drink.
“Eladio’s getting married.”
“You’re kidding?” Kirk glanced over at the young man who was busy serving customers. “Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Cindy Swithers.”
“Bob and Laura’s daughter?”
“The very same. It seems there was a reason it always took him so long to get the supplies.”
“That’s nice...I guess.”
Sevilla laughed. “Not everyone is as put off by marriage as you are.”
“I’m not put off by marriage. It’s just...”
“Complicated? You are speaking to someone who knows that quite well.”
Kirk frowned and his response was tentative. “I always thought your marriage was a good one.”
“It was. Gloria was everything a man could ask for in a woman. Beautiful, intelligent, funny.” He chuckled. “And she could cook. But where do you go from the best?”
“You don’t think you’ll ever find someone else?”
The man shrugged. “One is lucky to find such perfection once. But twice? It doesn’t seem likely.”
Kirk reflected on his words. Is that what he’d found in Spock? Perfection? And would he spend the rest of his life trying to find it again? He couldn’t help but be depressed by that thought.
He must have seen something on Kirk’s face, because Sevilla put his hand on Kirk’s arm and squeezed it gently. “Sometimes, we must make do with memories but at least we have those memories, isn’t that so?”
Kirk gave his friend a long look. “Is it enough for you?”
Sevilla shrugged. “It has been so for over twenty years. Will it always be? I don’t know. A man grows lonely and sometimes I think about having someone to share my life with, someone to chase away the loneliness.”
It was the same thought that had been bouncing around in Kirk’s mind for awhile now. Spock was gone, and nothing Kirk did was ever going to bring him back. The last seven months had been the loneliest of his life. He didn’t want to think about spending the rest of his life this way, alone and longing for something he could never have.
“Twenty years is a long time to be lonely, Gil,” he finally said.
“It has not been so bad. At first, maybe, but that was because I was missing Gloria so much. But now,” he shrugged. “Who’d want an old guy like me, anyway?”
“You’re not old. You’re, what, ten years older than me?”
“About, but sometimes, my friend, I feel ancient.” He nodded toward Kirk’s glass. “Drink up. The night is young and we’re supposed to be celebrating, not feeling sorry for ourselves.”
Kirk downed his drink and gave his friend a ‘what the hell’ look. He watched as Sevilla refilled his glass. At least for tonight, he was going to forget the past. The future could take care of itself.
“God, my head.”
Kirk sat at the kitchen table, said head in his hands. He barely remembered riding home the night before, much less removing his clothes and falling into bed. He’d woken up well past sunrise to find himself sprawled face down, a blanket covering him and his head feeling like it was about to explode. He’d thrown on what he’d worn the night before and walked gingerly down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Winona had turned at his entrance and given him a sour look. “It’s about time. I went to wake you a couple of hours ago and all I could get out of you was a mumbled ‘go away.’”
Still, she brought him over a cup of coffee and started on his breakfast. He wasn’t so sure he was going to be able to eat it.
“So, what was the occasion?” she asked.
“Occasion?” He was having trouble getting his brain to work.
“For tying one on last night. That is what you did, isn’t it?”
He looked up and squinted. God, it was bright in here. “I think so. I remember going to Sevilla’s and...that’s right, they were celebrating Eladio’s coming marriage.”
“Cindy finally got him to pop the question, did she?”
“You knew about them?”
She turned and gave him a disgusted look before returning to her cooking. “Just about everyone knew about them, Jim. Everyone who was paying attention, anyway.” She removed the pan from the stove top and transferred the food to a plate. Placing it in front of Kirk, she loudly tsked. “You’re going to be worthless today.”
He gave her a somewhat wobbly smile as he pulled the plate toward him and picked up his fork. Stabbing a piece of egg, he hesitantly put it in his mouth. When it went down and stayed there, he slowly began on the rest.
“I’ll be okay, just give me a couple of hours. I’ll know by then if I’m going to live or die.”
She sat across from him, her concern apparent. “It’s not like you to get so drunk.”
It wasn’t and he’d known that but he’d proceeded to get thoroughly plastered anyway. It had felt good at the time.
“I know.” He scratched his head which he was keeping propped up on a fist while he ate. “It’s just...I needed a break, I guess.”
“A break from what?”
“Everything. Anything. I don’t know.”
“Don’t give me that,” she shot back angrily. “This is about Spock, isn’t it?” She swore. “I could just kill that man.”
“Don’t, don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s his fault, isn’t it? Most of the time you’re only half here, your mind off who knows where. He’s sucked the life right out of you and you don’t seem to be able to let go.”
“Oh, come on, I’m not that bad, am I?” he asked, half joking, half concerned that she was right.
“Well, maybe not all the time,” she conceded. “But, Jim, there is something missing from you. Maybe most people don’t see it but I do and I hate it. You’ve always been so full of life, nothing could keep you down for long. Now, it’s as if you’re only going through the motions most of the time.”
He finally nodded, reluctantly acknowledging the truth of her statement. “I really did think I had a better handle on it but just when I think I’m over...all of it, something happens and it’s all right there again. You’re right, I’ve never acted this way over losing someone but I’ve never felt toward someone the way I felt, the way I feel toward him.”
“It’s been seven months, Jim. You have to forget him and move on with your life.” Winona ran her fingers through his hair. “It’s tearing you apart. Some times I think about what we discovered and I wish Spock had never come here. It destroyed the past we believed in and it destroyed your future. I don’t know why he left, but there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t damn him for what he did to you.”
He caught her hand, entwining their fingers together. “No, don’t do that. Our separating, it was a joint decision. He had to leave, just like I had to stay.”
“Why? Does it really matter so much to him where he goes? He has no ties; why couldn’t he have stayed with you?”
“It’s complicated.” Kirk shook his head. “There are things I can’t tell you, things that Spock wanted kept private. Just know that I was as much to blame as he was. I knew going into it that I was probably going to get my heart broken. I did it anyway; I’d do it again, gladly.”
“Does he mean that much to you?”
“Unfortunately, yes. But I know he’s not coming back and I know I have to get over him. Just give me a little more time, okay?”
She looked at him, as if wanting to believe but somehow being unable to. Finally, she smiled sadly and nodded. “Okay, Jim. I suppose I’m not in a position to talk. It took me a long time to get over your father. I guess I forget that losing someone is losing someone, no matter how. But promise me one thing, will you?”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t take too long, that you’ll keep yourself open to another relationship.”
He squeezed her hand. “I think I can do that.”
“Good.” She pulled her hand away and nudged his plate. “Now, finish eating. I have plans for you today, hangover or no hangover.”
He was glad she was letting the subject drop; it wasn’t anything he cared to think about and had tried his best not to. But maybe that had been the problem. Maybe he needed to think it through, truly accept that Spock was gone and relegate him to nothing more than memories. He dug back into his food, vowing to himself that he was done with grieving. It was time to take his life back.
onto Chapter 12
