Trial Run (K/S) Pt 2 of 2
Jun. 15th, 2010 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gilda_eliseTitle: Trial Run
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Notes: When asked to write a story from a list of K/S tropes for the ultimately five volume history of K/S, it wasn’t hard for me to pick the one that’s a particular favorite of mine—Academy stories. Kirk and Spock “Before the Glory.”
Originally published in Legacy: A Tribute to the 30th Anniversary of K/S - Vol 2 by Beyond Dreams Press (July 2007)
“And this is where you’ll be getting your lessons.”
They sat astride the two horses Kirk had picked out for them that morning. Spock had attempted to demure; the idea of using an animal as a beast of burden went against all his Vulcan sensibilities. But Kirk had insisted, pointing out that walking the length and breadth of the farm was out of the question. Before them, a small inlet cut into the land from the river that flowed nearby.
Spock studied the water. It would be cold but, he assumed, tolerable. Perhaps he should make sure. With great care, he dismounted and began to untie the blanket rolled up and tied to the saddle.
“What are you doing?” Kirk asked.
“I wish to ascertain the ambient temperature of the water,” he replied as he removed his shoes and socks and tucked them into the bag slung across his saddle.
“Hey, watch where you put your stuff; your lunch is in that bag. And I can already tell you it’s cold, but I think you’ll be able to handle it. ”
“I wish to make sure.” He tugged his tunic off and placed it across the saddle, then slipped off his pants and underwear and lay them on top. Naked, the blanket clutched in one hand, he began walking gingerly across the river rock.
“Wait!” Kirk slid off his horse. “You shouldn’t go in alone.”
Spock turned at the water’s edge. “You said there was no danger.”
“There isn’t, but you never know what might happen. Just wait, okay? There’s a better place, over there where it’s deeper and you don’t have to deal with the rocks. Come on, I’ll show you.”
Leading both horses, Kirk took a path off to the right that disappeared into the trees.
He went slow so that Spock, barefoot and wrapped in the blanket, had no trouble following. It took only a few minutes to reach the open area Kirk spoke of. Not more than fifty feet long, it hugged this side of the inlet, yet was hidden from view by the thick stand of trees that appeared to follow both sides of the river.
Kirk tied up the horses and began to undress.
“That is not necessary. I do not plan to be in the water any length of time. You may wait here if you wish,” Spock stated as he removed the blanket from around his waist and spread it out on the grass.
“Oh, no, I’m not planning on going in. But if anything bad happens and I do have to go in, I don’t want to have to ride back to the house sopping wet.” Kirk finished removing his clothes except for his briefs, then took a seat on Spock’s blanket. “I’m going to wait right here.”
“Very well.” Spock edged over to the water, took a deep breath, and jumped in.
His breath left him in a violent whoosh. The water was frigid but, luckily for him, not very deep. He shot to the surface and took a gulp of air.
“You okay in there?” Kirk asked with a grin on his face.
“You deliberately led me to believe the water temperature was tolerable.” Spock swam the short distance back to the bank and pulled himself out. He tried not to shiver as he walked over to where Kirk sat.
“Here.” Kirk threw what must have been his own blanket at Spock. “It won’t be so bad once you dry off.”
He briskly rubbed himself dry. Kirk was correct. His body quickly returned to its normal temperature once he was no longer wet. He sat on the blanket next to Kirk and then lay back and closed his eyes, appreciating the heat radiating from the midday sun. Kirk had informed him that it had been an unusually mild winter for this part of the country. Normally it would have been too cold to swim, but spring had followed the previous season’s lead and the days had grown increasingly warm. Spock was gratified that the more temperate weather still prevailed.
It was so quiet out here; Spock hadn’t experienced this level of silence since leaving Vulcan. He felt a pang of loss. He had not understood until this moment just how much he had lost. He pushed the thought away. Better to appreciate the here and now: here, with Kirk, who he found pleasing to be with. He opened his eyes to find Kirk staring at him. But not at his face.
“Why do you stare?”
Kirk jumped and his face went beet red. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, “it’s just that I, well, I didn’t know it would look different.”
Spock came up on one elbow. “You are referring to my genitalia?”
If it were possible, Kirk turned even redder. “Just your, ah, just your cock.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your penis. It’s different from mine.”
Spock tilted his head, his curiosity aroused. “In what way?”
“Near the head.” He hesitantly pointed to the object in question. “It’s got a second, I don’t know, a second ridge.”
“Really? May I see yours?”
Kirk just stared at him.
“Ah, the human compunction against showing one’s sexual organs. It is mentioned quite regularly in your literature. If you do not wish-”
“It isn’t that.” Kirk now seemed to be looking everywhere but at Spock.
“No? What, then?”
“It’s not something guys usually do together, check out each other’s equipment.”
“You were ‘checking out’ mine. I do not understand why the reverse would be considered inappropriate.”
Kirk squirmed. “I...all right.” He stood up, keeping his back to Spock while he slid his underwear off. He hastily sat back down with his legs crossed and his briefs clenched in one hand, shielding his groin.
“Jim?” Spock reached out and grabbed Kirk’s arm to gently pull it away. There was little resistance but his friend refused to look at him. Spock studied Kirk. There was little difference, other than what Kirk had noted. Except for one thing.
“You are partially erect.”
Kirk swallowed and finally looked directly at Spock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see that.”
“I can only deduce from your behavior that I am the cause, that you find me sexually appealing. From everything I have read, that is considered a compliment on your planet.”
“It doesn’t bother you? Me being a guy?”
“No. Humans cannot control who they are drawn to. Even Vulcans...” Spock let go of Kirk’s arm. “May I touch it?”
Kirk’s eyes went wide. “Ah, sure, if you want.”
Spock lightly ran his finger around the corona of the glans. He felt Kirk’s body shudder and the human’s breath grow more rapid. He glanced up. Kirk’s eyes had fallen closed. At his side, his hands were closed into fists. Kirk’s penis was rapidly becoming fully erect.
He had never done this before, touched another in this way, though he had often wondered about that which his body seemed to thirst for. There had been no way to find out, for his body’s responses had proven to be quite different from those of his fellow Vulcans. None had ever given any indication that they might find any gratification in such an act.
Not like Kirk, who now softly moaned as Spock wrapped the hardened shaft in his hand and began a slow pistoning. Not letting go, Spock scooted closer and came up on his knees at Kirk’s side so he could more easily continue. He placed one arm around Kirk’s shoulders and pulled him close.
Kirk shifted back to hold himself up on his hands while his legs splayed out in front of him, giving Spock easier access. “Harder, I need it harder.”
Pre-ejaculate had slowly oozed from the organ’s tip as Kirk’s excitement had grown. It gave the lubrication Spock needed to tightened his grip and quicken the stroking of Kirk’s penis. Kirk’s hips moved up and down in rhythm with the unrestrained caress.
“God, I’m going to come.” Kirk moaned and threw his head back, his eyes squeezed more tightly shut.
Not knowing where the impulse came from, Spock nevertheless bent down and began suckling a nipple. When he lightly bit down, Kirk cried out and came, his sperm pulsing forth onto Spock’s hand.
As he held the still quivering human, Spock brought one hand up to cradle Kirk’s head. Whether by accident or design, his fingers brushed the meld points of Kirk face and the jolt that hit Spock was so intense that he almost blacked out. His body caught on fire as Kirk’s physical pleasure transmitted itself to him. Coupled with his own need, it overloaded his senses. He buried his face against the human’s neck and let the sensations carry him over the edge. When he was once more aware of his surroundings, they were both lying down and he had Kirk wrapped in his arms.
Kirk’s eyes literally shone as he looked up and smiled at Spock. “Wow. That was,” he chuckled, “I don’t know what that was.”
“Nor do I. I was quite overcome by it, whatever it is.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Kirk trailed his fingers through the hair on Spock’s chest and belly. “But I didn’t even touch you and you came. I like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it means you like me as much as I like you.”
Spock didn’t answer but Kirk didn’t seem to need one. Which was fortunate because Spock did not believe that was was it meant. Not at all.
^^^^^^^^
“God, that was great.” Kirk rolled off Spock and collapsed on the mattress.
Spock had to agree, though he was quite beyond speech at the moment.
Enthralled by his body’s responses from that afternoon, he hadn’t thought it possible that their coupling could be anymore satisfying. Yet what they had done at the river paled in comparison to what they had done in this bed. The feel of Kirk’s penis rubbing against his own as their bodies battered against each other was indescribable. The weight of the human against his chest and abdomen, Kirk slick with sweat and heaving for each breath, had only added to the already overwhelming sensations that had coursed through Spock. Without thought, he had pulled Kirk tightly to him and they had rode out the maelstrom together.
Now, their joint emissions slowly cooling on his belly, Spock wondered if perhaps he should make sure Kirk truly understood their relationship. He did not wish for his friend to continue to believe there was an emotional attachment where none existed. “Jim...”
Kirk bolted upright. “You hungry? I’m hungry.” He jumped out of bed and hastily pulled on a pair of shorts. “Just in case someone comes by.”
“Jim, I believe there is something—”
“I think I’ll make a sandwich. Glass of milk would taste good, too.” He looked at Spock expectantly. “You want anything?”
Spock stared at him. Kirk looked ready to bolt to the kitchen. Food is what was on his mind and would be a distraction until his hunger was appeased. Perhaps it would be best to wait for a more efficacious time to broach this particular subject. “No, I am not hungry.”
“You sure?” At Spock’s nod, Kirk started for the door. “I’ll be right back.”
Spock used the time Kirk was gone to clean himself off and bring the bed to a state where sleep would be possible. By the time Kirk returned, a tray loaded down with sandwiches, cookies and two glasses of milk in his hands, Spock was comfortably ensconced under the blankets.
“I brought enough for both of us in case you changed your mind. Don’t worry if you didn’t. I’m so hungry, I don’t think I’ll have any trouble finishing all this off myself.” Kirk rambled on while placing the tray on the bedside table, removing his shorts and sliding under the covers next to Spock. He then grabbed the tray and placed it between his widespread legs.
Spock turned on his side and watched the human eat. “Are you not bothered by the prospect of weight gain by ingesting so many calories?”
“Nope,” Kirk responded around the cookie in his mouth. “I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound.” He took a large swallow of milk. “Besides, I’m trying to beef up a little. It’s bad enough I’m younger than most of the cadets. I don’t need to be smaller than most of them, too.”
“Does you lack of stature bother you?”
Kirk gave him a look and then shrugged. “I still got a few years before a quit growing.”
Spock studied his friend, who had put his sandwich down and was absently picking at the blanket. “You are troubled by this; I did not mean to offend you.”
“That’s all right.” Kirk looked up at him through what Spock thought of as ridiculously long lashes. “I guess Vulcans aren’t bothered by stuff like that.”
“It would be illogical to be displeased by something beyond one’s control.” He did not add how often, even with Vulcans, logic had nothing to do with it.
“That’s sort of nice. I’d like to visit your planet one day. I bet I’d really like it.”
Spock thought that was a bet Kirk would lose. “Eat your sandwich. I wish to retire.”
Kirk grinned and took a bite.
^^^^^^^^
Spock waded out of the water. He grabbed the towel hung on the overhanging branch and began to dry himself off. His stroke was improving and, as Kirk as anticipated, once he’d taken into account his different center of gravity, he had managed to find his balance. He began to believe that a berth on a Federation starship was once more within his grasp.
“You ready to head back now?” Kirk swam up to the bank and joined Spock in toweling himself dry.
“I believe so. The drills you recommended have had the desired affect. Repeating them at this time would only cause fatigue. There is always tomorrow.”
“Oh, we still have a few more days before you have to take the test again, don’t we? You said they gave you ten days.”
“That is correct. But I see no point in postponing the test if I have already acquired the skills to pass it. I believe one more day will see me at a sufficient level of expertise.”
Kirk looked at him in dismay. “But you just got here. Besides, what about the two Vulcans you saw? What if they’re still there?”
Spock realized with chagrin that the possibility had slipped his mind. He had been so wrapped up in planning his future, he had given little thought to anything else. He wiped his arms and tried to think of a solution. “Perhaps you are correct. Moreover, a few more days of practice could only strengthen my skills.”
“That’s right.” Kirk walked over to where their clothes lay on the blanket they’d spread on the ground and began to dress. “What do you feel like doing now?”
“I thought we would return to the house. I noticed several books in your bookcase downstairs I would appreciate perusing.”
“Reading? Ah, come on, Spock, there’s got to be something else you’d rather do.”
“You would prefer we had sex?”
Kirk expression changed but to what Spock could not say. He only knew it was as if a door had physically swung shut between them.
“That was a lousy thing to say.”
Spock was confused. Kirk had been the aggressor that morning, awakening him by drawing Spock’s penis into his mouth. They had ended up performing fellatio on each other, in a maneuver Kirk had identified as ‘sixty-nine.’ The human had been hungry for him then and Spock had not missed the furtive glances Kirk threw his way during the lesson. Then, as now, Spock’s naked body obviously aroused him. For him to now express outrage because Spock had initiated the offer made no sense.
“You do not wish to have sex?”
“Of course I want to have sex. But you make it sound like that’s all it is.”
Spock mentally chastised himself. He knew Kirk was exaggerating their relationship into something it was not, and he regretted not speaking of it to him the night before. “Jim,” Spock wrapped the towel around his waist and approached Kirk. “What else do you think it is?”
Kirk plopped down on the blanket and folded his arms across his bent knees, his forehead resting on top. He didn’t answer at first, but sat there that way for several moments. Finally, he brought his head up. “I know what you think. You think I’m blowing things all out of proportion. Well, you’re wrong. But it’s not just sex between us, Spock. I know it isn’t. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you feel nothing for me? Not even friendship?”
“I do not know, for I do not know what friendship feels like.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Spock pulled the towel off and began to dress, all the while trying to formulate a response. But how to explain the perceptions of one species to another? No more could one explain sight to a blind person.
Fully dressed, Spock took a place next to Kirk. “These feelings you speak so freely of are human feelings, and I am not human.”
“I know,” Kirk responded softly. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel.”
“Perhaps, but I have no reference to draw upon. Is what I feel for you friendship or merely gratitude? I do not know. But I fear it is not all you would wish it to be.”
Kirk shrugged. “It won’t be the first time. I seem to have this really annoying habit of expecting more out of people than they’re willing to give.”
“It is not that I am unwilling to give it; it is that I may not have it to give.”
Kirk turned and studied him. “Somehow, I don’t believe that, even if you do.” Then he smiled. “We could find out together, though. Couldn’t we?”
Spock did not know if it was the smile or his own reluctance to hurt the human once again, but he found himself responding. He nodded in agreement.
“Come on, then,” Kirk grabbed his hand and together they stood up. “Let’s go home.”
^^^^^^^^
“What is the point of this?” Spock asked, clearly bewildered.
“It’s to see who can do the most disgusting thing possible. Whoever does, wins.”
“Wins what?”
“Depends. Sometimes money, sometimes prices.” Kirk grabbed the remote and clicked off the televid. “It’s a stupid program, anyway.”
“Indeed. Are they all that way?”
“Nah,” Kirk pulled himself up from where he’d been slouching on the couch. “But there’s quite a few from what I’ve heard. You don’t have much time to sit and watch vids when you live on a farm.” He stretched and started for the kitchen. “Want something to drink?”
“Water would be appreciated.”
“Water? I meant a beer or something.”
Spock frowned. “I did not realize you were old enough to imbibe alcoholic beverages.”
Kirk shrugged. “I’m not. But Mom’s not here. I thought we could snag a couple.”
“I do not believe so.”
“Killjoy,” Kirk deadpanned, though, truth be told, he was sort of glad Spock had refused. “Okay, water it is.”
He went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for Spock. At the refrigerator, he stood, still torn as to what to get for himself. He’d drunk before, a little. Both times he’d lost practically every inhibition he had. He’d been lucky; only Sam had seen him make a total fool of himself. Kirk couldn’t begin to imagine what he’d do in the same state with Spock. But he had been counting on the dutch courage to get him through the evening. He wanted something from Spock, something he was afraid to ask for cold sober. But maybe Spock would only think he was asking because he was drunk. Kirk sighed and grabbed a bottle of fruit juice.
He returned to the living room. “You want to sit outside? The weather’s great and it’s too early for the mosquitoes to be a problem.”
Spock stood and took the glass of water. “I do not believe I would find them a problem in any event.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I forgot Vulcans have green blood.” Kirk grinned. “Though it would be really interesting to see what happened to the poor mosquito. Come on, let’s go find out.”
They stepped out onto the front porch. Kirk confiscated the swing hanging along one side of the verandah, while Spock chose the rocker positioned right outside the door. He took the afghan thrown over its back and settled it across his legs.
“You cold?” Kirk was only wearing cutoffs and still felt a little warm. But the sun was barely meeting the horizon; it would cool off measurably in the next hour.
“Not at the present but neither am I warm. The blanket will aid in keeping my body’s temperature at an agreeable level.”
“Hm.” Kirk kicked his foot off the floor, sending the swing lazily swaying. “I’ll go get you another one later on, then, because you’ll probably need it.”
Spock only nodded and the two allowed themselves to enjoy the evening quiet. That’s one thing Kirk had discovered almost right away; they didn’t need words but seemed to communicate on a higher level. Without saying a word, he’d found that Spock knew exactly what he wanted. Just another reason he was finding the Vulcan so hard to resist.
The sky darkened and soon the night was lit only by the wide expanse of stars that danced above them. There was no moon, so Spock was just a darker silhouette against the backdrop of the house behind him.
“Can you see Vulcan from here?” Kirk asked, finally breaking the silence.
“Not Vulcan, 40 Eridani A.” Spock thought a moment and then stood and moved to the edge of the porch. He scanned the skies before pointing to the western horizon. “Yes, it is there.”
Kirk got up and joined him. He looked but saw nothing. “Where?”
“In the constellation you call Eridanus.” Spock moved behind him, so close that his face was almost pressed against Kirk’s. “Look to Rigel in the constellation of Orion. Follow the meandering line of stars south.” His finger traced the stellar points of light. “There, do you see it? The orange fourth magnitude star.”
“I think so.” Kirk squinted. “Yes, I see it!”
Spock’s arm dropped away and Kirk used the opportunity to grab both and wrap them around himself. “How far away it is?”
“Not far. A mere sixteen point five light years.”
“We haven’t got that far in our Federation history class at the Academy. We’re still studying how Earth managed to get into space. But now I’m ahead of everyone else. When the instructor asks about Vulcan, I’ll be able to tell him where it is and far away it is.”
“Will you tell them you had your own private Vulcan tutor?”
Kirk laughed. “I wouldn’t dare. I don’t think they’d believe me, anyway.”
Why not?” The Vulcan sounded truly puzzled.
“Because they’ll all believe what most people believe about Vulcans; that they’re cold and heartless and that you could never be friends with one, much less lovers.”
Spock pulled away then and returned to the rocker.
Kirk felt bereft, cold. He grabbed one of the other chairs and pulled it over next to Spock. He sat straddling the chair. “What did I say? Was it that I called us lovers? We are, you know. Even if you don’t love me, we’re still lovers.”
“It is not that; I knew what you meant.” Spock hesitated. “I believe there is something you should know.”
“All right.”
Spock remained silent.
“What is it, Spock?”
The Vulcan took a deep breath. “I am not what you think I am.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I am not Vulcan.”
Kirk stared at him, puzzled. “Of course you are. What else would you be?”
“Perhaps, I should rephrase that. I am not full Vulcan.”
“Oh.” Kirk didn’t see the point. “Okay, you’re not full Vulcan. So what?”
“I am not full Vulcan because my mother is Terran.”
“Really? That’s great!”
Spock stared at him, obviously distressed. “You do not understand what it is to be Vulcan or what it is to only be half.”
“I’m sorry.” Kirk sobered. “But I guess I really don’t understand. What’s wrong with being part human?”
“It is not that I am part human, it is that I am only half Vulcan.”
“You’re talking in riddles! I don’t understand what your problem is. It’s certainly not one for me.”
“No, I know it is not.” Spock looked at him as if he could make Kirk understand with just the force of his thoughts.
And I thought we could read each other’s minds. “What is it you want from me, Spock?”
Spock’s response surprised him when, after studying him a moment, Spock brought his hand up to cup Kirk’s cheek. Another few moments passed and then he leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Kirk’s lips. “Let us go upstairs.”
Kirk didn’t argue and they moved as one inside and up to Kirk’s bedroom.
Spock made love to him fiercely and Kirk forgot about wanting something more. But later, sated, with Spock pressed up against him, Spock’s arm wrapped tight around his waist, Kirk remembered.
^^^^^^^^
They returned to the pond the next afternoon and Spock realized the motions he’d once found difficult had now become an automatic reflex. He slid effortlessly through the water, turning easily when he approached the bank and starting back to the other side. There was no doubt in his mind he would easily pass the upcoming test.
He stopped and treaded water, intent on informing Kirk of his progress. But the human stood at the edge of the pond, a look of dismay on his face.
Spock swam toward the bank and pulled himself out. “What is wrong?”
Kirk only shook his head and started back to the blanket spread beneath the trees. His movements were so violent, the horses nickered in protest and shied away as he approached.
“Jim?” Spock followed, wondering at the sudden change in his friend’s demeanor.
“Don’t worry about it.” Kirk sat down and hugged his bent legs up against his chest.
Spock sat next to him. “I am concerned. Did I do something to offend you?”
Kirk’s mouth twisted into a grimace. “No, you didn’t offend me.” He grabbed a rock from the ground next to the blanket and threw it into the water. “It’s just that you’ve gotten really good at swimming, that’s all.”
“I was under the impression that was the whole point of this exercise.”
“It was. But you didn’t have to get so good so fast.” He scowled at Spock, as if mastering the skill so quickly had been a violation of trust.
“You are an excellent teacher.”
“Yeah, aren’t I just great?” Kirk sarcastically responded.
“Jim, I do not understand what the problem is.”
“I’ll tell you what the problem is. Now, you’ll want to go back to the Academy to take your test. And after you pass it, I’ll probably never see you again.”
“You knew I would be leaving.”
“I know.” Kirk’s head dropped onto his knees. “I just didn’t think it would be so soon.”
Spock didn’t know what to make of this new development. Of course he wished to retake the test as soon as possible; the sooner he passed, the sooner he would be stationed aboard a ship. Surely, Kirk did not expect him to stay longer than was necessary.
“When will you be leaving?” Kirk’s muffled voice was tight.
Spock found an answering constriction in his own throat and wondered at the cause. “When do you wish me to leave?”
“Never.” Kirk brought his head up. “But, maybe, we could stay here three more days. They gave you ten and you still have four left. If we left the day before you had to be back, that would give us plenty of time to get there.”
Spock looked away. “Jim—”
“Please, Spock. Once you go, that’s it. You’ll be out in space and I’ve still got three years at the Academy. Please, Spock.” He scooted closer and brought his arms around Spock. “Please.”
The softness of the human’s lips pressing against his was Spock’s undoing. He gave into the fire that Kirk’s touch kindled within him. He heard Kirk moan as Spock lowered him onto the blanket, their kiss never breaking, and rolled atop him.
Kirk’s hands fastened on his shoulders, then moved down to claw at his back. The human was almost frantic. Kirk’s hands moved again and Spock felt him fumbling at their swim trunks. Spock disengaged himself from Kirk’s embrace and knelt up. He grabbed the human’s trunks and pulled them down his legs and off, then stood and stripped off his own.
He stood over the human and feasted on the sight below him. Kirk lay panting, his cock jutting upward and his legs splayed open in invitation.
Spock slipped to his knees. He lowered his mouth to Kirk’s groin and, relaxing his throat muscles, took the organ to its root into his mouth.
Kirk let out a startled grunt and grabbed Spock’s head. His hips rose to meet Spock’s devouring mouth and his fingers entwined in Spock’s hair to hold him as he began to suck the human’s cock. He slid his hands beneath Kirk’s hips and grabbed his buttocks in a fierce hold, steadying their erratic pistoning as Kirk’s organ slid in and out of his mouth.
Between his own legs, Spock could feel his penis, full and heavy, pulsing to the same rhythm as that which beat between him and Kirk. He didn’t try to examine it, too caught up in its hypnotic cadence. Something was coming alive between them, something sweet and all-powerful.
“Wait. Stop, please stop.”
He vaguely heard the words; it was more Kirk’s insistent hands pushing at him that brought Spock back to himself. “What?” he stupidly asked.
Kirk twisted around and grabbed the pants he’d discarded earlier. He fumbled around in the pockets until he found what he was looking for. He turned back, while hastily unscrewing the cap from the small tube in his hands. “Here, use some of this.”
Spock stared at him, unsure of what Kirk wanted. Seeing his confusion, Kirk grabbed his hand and squirted some of the ointment onto his palm. “Put it inside me.”
“Inside?”
Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand and shoved it down between his legs. “In there. Put your fingers in there.”
“I...” Spock looked at his hand, so close to the opening of Kirk’s body, shaking with either fear or passion, Spock wasn’t sure which.
“Do it.” Kirk pulled his legs ups, exposing himself even more.
Spock meant to protest but, instead, he found his middle finger slowly gliding into the human’s snug channel. Mesmerized, he watched as it seemed to be sucked in, the tight constriction clasping around it as if to hold him to Kirk forever.
Kirk cried out and lifted his hips higher. Spock pulled his finger almost all the way out and then sent it back in, over and over, deeper and harder. With each plunge into Kirk’s body, the human lost even more control, until he could do little more than twist and moan under Spock’s assault.
Yet, somehow, he managed to maneuver closer until his buttocks were lying against Spock’s thighs. He shoved Spock’s hand away and repositioned himself until Spock’s organ nestled between his cheeks.
“Go on, put it in,” Kirk rasped.
Spock felt himself being drawn into the whirlpool of their joint desire. He grabbed Kirk’s legs and pulled them open even more. His cock seemed aimed at the human’s hole, even now pulsing with need. He placed its tip at the opening.
The shock that went through his mind jolted Spock’s body away from Kirk. He landed on his back and scuttled back in fright, crab-like, from the confused human.
“Wha—?” Kirk seemed unable to find his voice. He swallowed and tried again. “What happened?”
Spock stared at him, too afraid to get closer. “We cannot do this. You should never have forced the situation.”
“Forced?” Kirk croaked. “I didn’t force you.”
Spock stood and started hastily throwing on his clothes. “We should go back to the house.”
Kirk seemed to finally gather his wits. He sat up, wincing as his buttocks took his full weight. “What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing. I merely wish to leave.”
“Leave? Here, or me?”
Spock didn’t answer. He didn’t know the answer.
Kirk’s face hardened. “So that’s it. I’m not good enough for you to fuck. A quick grope under the sheets is one thing but you might pick up something if you actually put your cock in me.”
“I do not wish to discuss it.”
“No, I imagine you wouldn’t.” Kirk slowly climbed to his feet and, gathering his clothes, began to get dressed. “But that’s okay, I get the picture. I don’t need to be hit over the head with it.”
“You would not understand.”
Kirk looked at him in disgust. “Of course I wouldn’t. I’m just a human, after all.” He tilted his head. “Is that what the big deal is? I’m the same as the half of yourself you’re so ashamed of?”
Spock’s lips tightened. “I should never have told you. I did not think you would use the information against me.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I’ve made a big enough fool of myself already. I don’t even want to imagine what people would think of me if I were stupid enough to tell anyone.”
Kirk bent down and grabbed the blanket, shook it out and folded it up, all without looking at Spock again. He took it over and tied to his saddle, then pulled himself up onto his horse. “Tell you what.” He looked straight ahead. “You don’t even have to ride back with me.” With that, he gave a slight kick and started the horse forward. He didn’t look back.
^^^^^^^^
Spock stayed at the river for several hours after Kirk fled, afraid of going back to the house. Afraid not to. In the back of his mind, the link he’d allowed himself to forget about throbbed, an unwelcome occupant. He sat at the river’s edge, now immune to its beauty.
A strange pain filled him, one even the residual ache of the violated link could not undermine. It seemed to radiate from his chest, yet encompass his entire body at the same time. He did not know what it was, yet he felt as if he should.
He had hurt Kirk terribly. And, that, he would always regret. But he could neither explain to his friend what happened nor change its outcome. He was not free to explore the strange and wonderful connection he’d seen bloom between them, but Kirk must never know why. Kirk was an outworlder. It was forbidden.
His horse snorted and pawed at the ground. Yet something else to feel regret for; the animal was probably hungry. Spock got up and walked over. He unhitched its reins from the tree he’d tied it to and led the animal away and down the dirt road back to the house.
He maintained a steady pace, yet allowed the horse to graze from time to time, a penance of sorts for his misuse of the animal. It was dark by the time Kirk’s home came into sight, Spock walking past on his way to the barn. Leading the horse to its stall, he removed the saddle and combed the animal as Kirk had shown him. Done, he exited the building and once again approached the house. Though no lights shown from the house, he knew Kirk was there. How he knew that, he didn’t want to think. That he did know was painful enough.
Spock slowly took the steps and crossed the porch to the door. It was unlocked. He let himself into the house and headed directly upstairs. He entered the bedroom he’d shared with Kirk and carefully made his way over to the bed. He turned on the lamp on the night stand. The room was empty.
It was the same, yet not. The welcoming warmth that had surrounded him every time he had crossed the threshold into what was uniquely Kirk’s was gone. The room was cold.
“I packed my things.”
Spock turned. Kirk stood in the doorway.
“We’ll go back tomorrow morning. I’ve already called; there’ll be a taxi here at seven.”
“You are returning to the Academy with me?”
Kirk nodded his head sharply. “I promised to see this thing through. I don’t go back on my word. Besides, I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Very well.” Spock hesitated. “Will you sleep with me?”
“No. I don’t want that anymore, either. I’ve already stowed my stuff in Sam’s room.” Kirk pressed his lips together as if to hold in whatever else he wished to say.
“Jim—”
“Don’t. Just don’t. Goodnight, Spock. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Spock swallowed. “Goodnight, Jim.”
He watched his friend, no, his former friend, walk away, the tread of his footsteps receding until the sound of a door opening and closing ended them.
With stilted movements, Spock undressed for bed. He thought he should take a shower but the very idea of leaving the room, moving closer to Kirk without being able to get closer still, was more than he could bear. Instead, he slipped under the covers and reached over to turn off the light.
He turned onto his back. The light from the moon filtered through the sheer curtains and played patterns across the walls. Alone, he watched them through the night.
^^^^^^^^
He should feel some sort of elation. He was now a member of Starfleet and, within the next few days, he would be assigned to a ship. He would see all the places he had always dreamt of seeing, learn all the things his mind craved to know. He should feel some sort of elation. He felt nothing.
Spock walked the path that led from the administration building back to the dorm. It was a breezy day and there was a slight chill to the air, as if what he’d done to Kirk had leached the warmth from it, yet he kept his steps slow, his pace tempered. His room awaited him, his clothes back in their proper place, the narrow bed remade. He did not know how he would survive it.
He had feared Kirk’s presence. Now, he feared his absence even more.
Spock had awoken that mornin, still alone in Kirk’s bed, to the sharp knock on the door; he didn’t remember falling asleep. He’d gotten up to use the bathroom, then brushed his teeth and showered in haste; he thought if he could spend enough time with Kirk before their transportation arrived he could set things to right. But the taxi was quietly idling in front of the house by the time Spock made his way downstairs. Kirk stood at the open door impatiently waiting and without a word motioned Spock outside. He followed, locking the door behind him.
They had not said one word to each other during the entire trip. It was only after they reached the dorm and were standing in the vacant hallway halfway between their two rooms that Kirk finally spoke.
“I wasn’t thinking clearly this morning.”
Spock felt a spark of hope, quickly squelched.
“I can’t stay here, not with you so close. Gary left the number of the place he was going to be staying. I think I’ll give him a call, meet up with him. I’m sure you’re going to pass the swimming test, so you’ll be gone by the time I get back.”
“Will I never see you again?”
“No, I don’t think so. What would be the point?”
“I desire to be with you,” Spock whispered.
“No, you don’t. Not in anyway that counts. I wish...” Kirk bit his lip.
“What? What do you wish?”
“Kirk shook his head. “Nothing. Goodbye, Spock.” He didn’t give Spock the time to respond but hurried over and let himself into his room, leaving Spock to stare stupidly at the closed door.
That door was still closed when Spock finally reentered the dorm, made his way up the stairwell and walked past it on his way to his room. Whatever connection he had shared with Kirk was now gone; he felt neither his presence nor absence.
Spock let himself into his room and turned on the light. Kirk sat quietly on the bed.
“Hi.” Kirk smiled shakily.
“You are here.”
“Yeah, you thought you’d gotten rid of me, didn’t you?”
Spock slowly made his way over and gingerly sat at Kirk’s side. “I am pleased that you are here.”
“Really?”
He brought his hand up and brushed it against Kirk’s cheek. “I feared never seeing you again. Never touching you again.”
“I know you don’t feel the same way I do but I don’t care. I—”
Spock pressed a finger against Kirk’s lips. “Let me speak. There is much I should have told you at the onset; it was foolish of me to think it could go unsaid.” He pulled away and locked his hands together on his lap.
Kirk cocked his head to one side, plainly curious.
“Do you recall my telling you that I had no reference for the feelings you wished to engender in me?”
“Yeah,” Kirk answered warily.
“I was not being completely truthful. I did not know what to call what I felt for you, that much is true. I had never had these feelings before or, if I did, I obliterated them under the weight of Vulcan logic. But I knew their absence and as we grew close, it seemed as if that which had always been missing was suddenly mine.”
“Then it wasn’t a bad thing, was it?”
Spock turned to gaze at the human. So much willingness to give, even in the face of Spock’s inexplicable behavior. “No, not a bad thing; perhaps, the best thing I have ever known, or will ever know again. But I refused to accept what was happening between us, gave it any name but its own.” He reached out and wrapped his hands around Kirk’s biceps. “I made you think I held you in low regard; nothing could be further from the truth. What I did, I did out of fear, for I fear that what I do feel for you is not only of Earth but of Vulcan also. You do not understand, you cannot understand what that means.”
“Can’t you tell me?”
Spock shook his head in regret. “It is not allowed. I know that is not a sufficient explanation but it is the only one I can give you. But this I can tell you. If I were free to give myself to someone, it would be to you. I can think of no other I would be as honored to join with in this way. But I am not free.”
“What can you give me?”
“The remainder of the time that is left to me here. All that I am, the entirety of my being, while we are together.”
Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist and went eagerly into his embrace. “It’s nowhere near what I want and it’ll probably make your leaving even harder to bear. But I don’t care; I’m taking whatever I can get.”
^^^^^^^^
Spock stirred and rolled onto his side. A cool breeze blew in from the open window, causing him to reach down and pull the sheet up to cover himself. Next to him, the covers kicked down and bunched up around his feet, Kirk lay in an indolent sprawl. A light sheen of perspiration still slicked his chest and arms from their most recent lovemaking.
He actually smiled, so very glad he had been allowed to return to this place. When Spock had notified Mr. Salazar of his intentions of staying somewhere else to wait out the results, his counselor had called up to the main office and had a communicator delivered; it would allow the Academy to contact him wherever he was. That problem resolved, he had returned to Kirk, who waited impatiently on the front steps of the building. They wasted no time in hiring a taxi to make the frustratingly long trip back to Kirk’s home. Barely in the door, they had thrown off convention as well as their clothes. That they had made it to the bedroom seemed a wonder now.
Spock propped himself up on an elbow and marked the steady rise and fall of Kirk’s chest; his lover was sound asleep so Spock could watch his fill. He let his gaze roam slowly up and down the still figure. He wished to memorize every part of Kirk: the curve of his cheek, the sandy hair with its tendency to curl, the toned and muscled body. All these things and more, he would commit to memory, so that in the coming years, when the loss became too much to bear, he could take them out and savor them.
He thought back on the last heady hours since their return; that, too, would be there. Spock had never known such joy: to hold Kirk to him, to know the sweetness of passion tempered by deep affection to a rich and life-sustaining union. All that he would remember as long as there was breath in his body.
The temptation to touch Kirk overcame him. He reached out and lightly brushed Kirk’s hair off his forehead.
Kirk’s eye’s fluttered open and he gave Spock a gentle smile. “Hi.”
“I did not mean to wake you.”
“It doesn’t matter.” He stretched and turned his head toward the window. “The sun will be going down soon.” He looked back at Spock. “I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”
“I do not know. I seem to be able to think of satisfying only one appetite at a time.”
Kirk’s smile turned into a satisfied grin. “I know what you mean but if I don’t eat, I might not have a strength for another round.”
Spock sat up. “Then you must eat. Come,” he climbed out of bed and started hunting for his pants, “I shall prepare a meal.”
Kirk rolled off the other side and went over to the bureau sitting next to the window. He opened up the middle drawer and pulled out a pair of cutoffs, then scrounged around some more until he found an old pair of running shorts. He turned and tossed them at Spock. “Here, these will do better. Besides, I think what you’re looking for is somewhere on the stairwell.”
Spock caught the article of clothing and after a quick inspection put the shorts on. Though not his usual attire, they were comfortable. In any event, he doubted he would have them on long.
“They look good on you. Blue’s your color.”
“I did not realize I had a color.”
Kirk shook his head, his exasperation tinged with humor. “Come on,” he grabbed Spock’s arm and pulled him toward the doorway. “I thought I heard something about being fed.”
^^^^^^^^
They decided some fresh air would do them both good, so after a surprising delicious meal they adjourned to the porch. The sun was creeping towards the horizon, turning the sky orange and pink.
Kirk propped himself up with his arms behind him as he balanced on the railing. One leg swung lazily back and forth. “This is nice. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit on this porch and not think of us together.”
“I, too, will long remember this moment.”
“I wish we never had to leave,” Kirk murmured.
Spock looked up from his place on the top step. “Jim—”
“No, that’s okay. I’m just being stupid.”
The Vulcan stood and approached him. Kirk kept his face turned away, pretending to be watching the sunset. Instead of forcing him to look at him, Spock sat behind Kirk and shifted him over so that his weight pressed against Spock’s chest. His arms settled around Kirk’s waist.
“The sun makes the sky look like that of my planet.”
Kirk turned his head to nestle within the hollow of Spock’s throat. “Spock—”
“Let me speak.”
They sat there for several minutes before Spock finally did. “If it were possible for me to stay here, I would. But both of us have a different destiny to follow, one that neither of us truly wishes to give up.
“I do not know if we shall ever see each other again after I leave this place, and the thought of that weighs more heavily upon me than you could ever know. In you, I have found a part of myself I did not know existed. If the price I must pay for that knowledge is that I must leave it all behind, it is a price I will pay, gladly. That I had this time with you at all is a gift beyond measure.”
“So, is this all we get, then? A lousy week?” Kirk turned to face Spock. “It’s not fair.”
He outlined Kirk’s lips with the tip of his finger. “You are really quite beautiful, did you know that?”
“Stop it, stop changing the subject. You do that to me all the time.”
“It is because you ask questions which have no answers. Why were we allotted only a week’s time? Who is to know? Perhaps it was meant to sustain us through whatever adversity comes our way. Or, perhaps it is nothing at all, a pleasant interlude we give too much weight, one that will fade with time.”
“You don’t believe that anymore than I do. Spock, I don’t want to lose you.”
He forced Kirk back around and held him once more. “We will have this night to remember.”
Spock was quiet for a long time after that. Kirk, nestled against the solid weight behind him, had allowed his mind to drift and was caught off-guard when the Vulcan spoke again.
“Jim, I do not wish you to return with me when...when it is time for me to leave.”
Kirk tightened his hold on the arms that held him. “Why not?”
“It will be difficult, saying goodbye in front of others. I do not wish my last memories of you to be those where I could not touch you.”
He didn’t like it; as far as he was concerned, any time together was to be grabbed with both hands. But he did understand. “All right.”
“And perhaps you should think of our coming together in another way.”
“What other way?”
“Not as the culmination of your desires but merely the first attempt at finding what it is you wish from the person you will share your life with.”
“What are you talking about?”
Spock seemed to hesitate. “I believe it is called a ‘trial-run.’”
Kirk tried to pull away. “Let go of me, Spock!”
“No, I will not. You must allow me to explain.”
“Explain what? That you think you’re nothing but an experiment on my part?”
“That was not what I meant to convey. Please, Jim.”
He stopped struggling. He was hurt and angry but he cared too much to not listen. “Go ahead.”
“When I failed the first swimming test, my counselor advised me to look on it as a ‘trial run,’ as a first attempt, rather than as the final result. Is that not what we have been to each other, a first attempt? A first time at feeling what we feel for one another? Can you truly say there will be no others for you? No others you will hold dear?”
Kirk hated to agree, but he had to admit Spock was right. As much as this meant to him, would always mean to him, he knew he would not stop living once Spock was gone. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“‘Maybe’?” Spock lightly pressed his lips to Kirk’s temple. “It is my wish that there be others for you. I do not think I could tolerate the idea of you being alone.”
“I’ll still miss you.”
“As I will you.” Spock leaned around and looked up into Kirk’s face. “Are you all right?”
“No,” Kirk said, almost belligerently. He softened his voice. “No. But I have to be, don’t I?”
Spock let him go and slipped off the railing. He took Kirk’s hand. “Come, we should go upstairs.”
They would make love, off and on, all night. Kirk was never able to get Spock to go all the way with him. No matter how much he teased and cajoled and flaunted himself, he could not get that one thing from him. When Spock appeared to be getting really upset about it, Kirk finally backed off and let it go. But he knew he would always regret never getting that from his lover. He wanted to know what it felt like, to have a man fill your body with his cock. He wanted to know what it felt like with Spock.
They finally fell asleep to the sounds of the first birdsong.
^^^^^^^^
The space next to him was empty when Kirk woke the day. Maybe Spock went looking for something to eat. It sounded like a good idea to him. He threw aside the sheet and padded into the bathroom, forcing his morning erection away so he could empty his bladder. What a waste He smiled to himself, then washed up and threw on a pair of cutoffs. Through the window he saw Mr. Elliot, their neighbor, just exiting the barn. Kirk glanced at the chronometer. Almost noon. He stretched and gave into a yawn. Maybe after they ate they could come back to bed for awhile. He hurriedly straightened the covers before going downstairs to look for Spock.
He slowed as he passed the front entry. Spock’s bag sat, packed and ready, next to the door. At that moment Kirk knew the news they had both feared and anxiously waited for had come. He heard the clatter of dishes in the kitchen and bolted down the hallway and through the connecting door.
Spock sat at the table, looking out. He did not turn at Kirk’s entrance.
Kirk approached the silent figure and took the seat next to him. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
Spock nodded slightly. “Yes. I received the call approximately twenty minutes ago.”
“Weren’t you going to wake me up?”
“It occurred to me not to; my leaving would be painful enough without the additional burden of seeing its affect on you. But I could not in good conscience do so. And I suspected you would never forgive me.” He gave Kirk a slightly bemused look.
Kirk tried to smile back. “Oh, I probably would have, eventually. After I’d tracked you down and beaten the living daylights out of you.”
“I would have looked forward to such an event, if it meant seeing you again.”
“I could go with you. I know what you said but I have to go back, anyway.”
Spock shook his head. No, I do not wish to say goodbye to you in front of others. It is best done here.”
“Oh, Spock.” Kirk took the Vulcan’s hand. “How soon do you have to leave?”
“I told the transit company I needed the taxi to to be here at thirteen hundred hours.”
“That doesn’t give us much time.”
Spock looked down. “There could never be enough time for us.”
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Kirk blurted out.
“Jim don’t—”
“Why not? I don’t. I know you have to but I don’t want to pretend, Spock.” He felt the burn of tears and rapidly blinked. He would not cry, not now. He wouldn’t do that to Spock. “I’m not going to forget you, not ever.”
“Nor I you.” Spock’s head lifted and he tightened his hold on Kirk’s hand. “One never knows; perhaps, someday, we shall meet again. Perhaps serve on the same ship.”
Kirk smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Come.” Spock stood and pulled Kirk to his feet. “Let us wait on the porch.”
The walked outside and stood, side by side, along the front railing. The day was warm but a soft breeze blew through the verandah, so Kirk wrapped his arm around Spock’s waist and leaned into the returned embrace.
They spoke little. Everything had already been said and Kirk wasn’t so sure he could have spoken, anyway. What few words he did speak where forced past the knot in his chest and the tightness in his throat. At those times, he would strengthen his hold and bury his face against Spock’s neck. Sometimes, he would feel Spock’s lips press against his forehead in return. The minutes passed, too quickly, and only when they saw the taxi take the turn onto the road leading to the house did they draw apart.
Spock picked up his bags from where he’d placed them near the steps, propping one under his arm, and walked down into the yard. He turned and raised his hand, fingers parted. “Live long and prosper, James Kirk.”
Kirk swallowed. “You, too, Spock,” he managed to croak.
The Vulcan stood silently gazing at him until the taxi had pulled up onto the driveway. Without a word, he boarded the waiting vehicle. Then he was gone.
Kirk watched the receding taxi until it was out of sight. When he could manage it, he turned and went back into the house, closing the door quietly behind him.
^^^^^^^^
Epilog:
Spock pulled the sleeping man in his arms closer. Though Kirk had fallen asleep at the end of their lovemaking, Spock had remained awake to relish the rebirth of their aborted relationship.
So many years would pass before the boy he had left that day had walked back into his life. Spock had feared his new captain would not remember or, worse, wish their time together had never been. But then Kirk had smiled at him and Spock knew that he did indeed remember. Remembered and cherished those few days of youthful passion.
Two more years would pass before they would find their way back to each other. It had been a long, sometimes lonely journey for both but the seed that had been planted during their time together had finally been allowed to bear fruit and flourish. Admiration, friendship, love, all they once had roared back a thousand fold as they learned each other anew. When freed of the woman chosen for him, Spock’s mind and body had reached for that which it had always desired. Kirk had been there waiting.
Spock smiled. This night had been so much more than anything they had had before. Kirk’s body, lush and eager, had welcomed him in, the snug channel closing around his organ with each thrust; Kirk’s mind, keen and dynamic, had enfolded Spock’s in its sheltering embrace, surprising Spock with its benevolent dominance. When they had finally settled into sleep, there was no question they’d each formed a life-long addiction to what only the other could give them.
Spock had always known it would be thus; the occurrence at the water’s edge, as disturbing as it had been, had been a bittersweet harbinger. Spock had never been certain what had caused his reaction the day they had almost become one, why his mind had responded so violently when he’d moved to breach Kirk’s body, but he had his suspicions. His desire had been so profound for that one act that it could have brought his shields tumbling down, allowing awareness of it through the link. If that had been the case, T’Pring’s response would have been swift and sure. If not, his guilt over what he perceived as an act of betrayal would have been strong enough to create such a reaction.
He turned to nuzzle into the human’s sweet-smelling hair. Always, that scent had remained strong in his memory. As he had known he would, he had found himself digging deep, to that well-hidden and secure place in his mind where Kirk dwelled, to relive their time together and remember the extraordinary youth he had given his heart to. Kirk’s taste, the feel of Kirk’s skin sliding against his own and, especially, the fragrance which was uniquely Kirk’s, helped Spock rebuild the picture of Kirk’s form and the indomitable spirit it held.
There had been few others for him in the intervening years; Spock had seen no logic in turning to yet another he could not have. Yet, he had been delighted to learn that had not been the case for Kirk. His captain had tasted life to the fullest, had loved and been loved. There had been rejection and heartbreak; yet Kirk had persevered, so that the man who had come to Spock’s bed this night knew exactly who and what he wanted. He wanted Spock. Forever.
“Go to sleep, Spock. We’re on duty in the morning,” Kirk mumbled as he turned in Spock’s arms and resettled with his back pressed against Spock’s side.
“Momentarily, Jim.” Spock forbore from mentioning that “morning” was less than an hour away.
He followed Kirk over so that their bodies were again snug against each other. Lacing his arm through Kirk’s he took his lover’s hand in his.
Spock felt a swell of contentment and satisfaction he found hard to contain as he recalled his words to Kirk so many years before. First attempt. Perhaps. But none could say they did not get it right the first time. They had had their trial run; further testing was unnecessary.
Finis
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Notes: When asked to write a story from a list of K/S tropes for the ultimately five volume history of K/S, it wasn’t hard for me to pick the one that’s a particular favorite of mine—Academy stories. Kirk and Spock “Before the Glory.”
Originally published in Legacy: A Tribute to the 30th Anniversary of K/S - Vol 2 by Beyond Dreams Press (July 2007)
“And this is where you’ll be getting your lessons.”
They sat astride the two horses Kirk had picked out for them that morning. Spock had attempted to demure; the idea of using an animal as a beast of burden went against all his Vulcan sensibilities. But Kirk had insisted, pointing out that walking the length and breadth of the farm was out of the question. Before them, a small inlet cut into the land from the river that flowed nearby.
Spock studied the water. It would be cold but, he assumed, tolerable. Perhaps he should make sure. With great care, he dismounted and began to untie the blanket rolled up and tied to the saddle.
“What are you doing?” Kirk asked.
“I wish to ascertain the ambient temperature of the water,” he replied as he removed his shoes and socks and tucked them into the bag slung across his saddle.
“Hey, watch where you put your stuff; your lunch is in that bag. And I can already tell you it’s cold, but I think you’ll be able to handle it. ”
“I wish to make sure.” He tugged his tunic off and placed it across the saddle, then slipped off his pants and underwear and lay them on top. Naked, the blanket clutched in one hand, he began walking gingerly across the river rock.
“Wait!” Kirk slid off his horse. “You shouldn’t go in alone.”
Spock turned at the water’s edge. “You said there was no danger.”
“There isn’t, but you never know what might happen. Just wait, okay? There’s a better place, over there where it’s deeper and you don’t have to deal with the rocks. Come on, I’ll show you.”
Leading both horses, Kirk took a path off to the right that disappeared into the trees.
He went slow so that Spock, barefoot and wrapped in the blanket, had no trouble following. It took only a few minutes to reach the open area Kirk spoke of. Not more than fifty feet long, it hugged this side of the inlet, yet was hidden from view by the thick stand of trees that appeared to follow both sides of the river.
Kirk tied up the horses and began to undress.
“That is not necessary. I do not plan to be in the water any length of time. You may wait here if you wish,” Spock stated as he removed the blanket from around his waist and spread it out on the grass.
“Oh, no, I’m not planning on going in. But if anything bad happens and I do have to go in, I don’t want to have to ride back to the house sopping wet.” Kirk finished removing his clothes except for his briefs, then took a seat on Spock’s blanket. “I’m going to wait right here.”
“Very well.” Spock edged over to the water, took a deep breath, and jumped in.
His breath left him in a violent whoosh. The water was frigid but, luckily for him, not very deep. He shot to the surface and took a gulp of air.
“You okay in there?” Kirk asked with a grin on his face.
“You deliberately led me to believe the water temperature was tolerable.” Spock swam the short distance back to the bank and pulled himself out. He tried not to shiver as he walked over to where Kirk sat.
“Here.” Kirk threw what must have been his own blanket at Spock. “It won’t be so bad once you dry off.”
He briskly rubbed himself dry. Kirk was correct. His body quickly returned to its normal temperature once he was no longer wet. He sat on the blanket next to Kirk and then lay back and closed his eyes, appreciating the heat radiating from the midday sun. Kirk had informed him that it had been an unusually mild winter for this part of the country. Normally it would have been too cold to swim, but spring had followed the previous season’s lead and the days had grown increasingly warm. Spock was gratified that the more temperate weather still prevailed.
It was so quiet out here; Spock hadn’t experienced this level of silence since leaving Vulcan. He felt a pang of loss. He had not understood until this moment just how much he had lost. He pushed the thought away. Better to appreciate the here and now: here, with Kirk, who he found pleasing to be with. He opened his eyes to find Kirk staring at him. But not at his face.
“Why do you stare?”
Kirk jumped and his face went beet red. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, “it’s just that I, well, I didn’t know it would look different.”
Spock came up on one elbow. “You are referring to my genitalia?”
If it were possible, Kirk turned even redder. “Just your, ah, just your cock.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your penis. It’s different from mine.”
Spock tilted his head, his curiosity aroused. “In what way?”
“Near the head.” He hesitantly pointed to the object in question. “It’s got a second, I don’t know, a second ridge.”
“Really? May I see yours?”
Kirk just stared at him.
“Ah, the human compunction against showing one’s sexual organs. It is mentioned quite regularly in your literature. If you do not wish-”
“It isn’t that.” Kirk now seemed to be looking everywhere but at Spock.
“No? What, then?”
“It’s not something guys usually do together, check out each other’s equipment.”
“You were ‘checking out’ mine. I do not understand why the reverse would be considered inappropriate.”
Kirk squirmed. “I...all right.” He stood up, keeping his back to Spock while he slid his underwear off. He hastily sat back down with his legs crossed and his briefs clenched in one hand, shielding his groin.
“Jim?” Spock reached out and grabbed Kirk’s arm to gently pull it away. There was little resistance but his friend refused to look at him. Spock studied Kirk. There was little difference, other than what Kirk had noted. Except for one thing.
“You are partially erect.”
Kirk swallowed and finally looked directly at Spock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see that.”
“I can only deduce from your behavior that I am the cause, that you find me sexually appealing. From everything I have read, that is considered a compliment on your planet.”
“It doesn’t bother you? Me being a guy?”
“No. Humans cannot control who they are drawn to. Even Vulcans...” Spock let go of Kirk’s arm. “May I touch it?”
Kirk’s eyes went wide. “Ah, sure, if you want.”
Spock lightly ran his finger around the corona of the glans. He felt Kirk’s body shudder and the human’s breath grow more rapid. He glanced up. Kirk’s eyes had fallen closed. At his side, his hands were closed into fists. Kirk’s penis was rapidly becoming fully erect.
He had never done this before, touched another in this way, though he had often wondered about that which his body seemed to thirst for. There had been no way to find out, for his body’s responses had proven to be quite different from those of his fellow Vulcans. None had ever given any indication that they might find any gratification in such an act.
Not like Kirk, who now softly moaned as Spock wrapped the hardened shaft in his hand and began a slow pistoning. Not letting go, Spock scooted closer and came up on his knees at Kirk’s side so he could more easily continue. He placed one arm around Kirk’s shoulders and pulled him close.
Kirk shifted back to hold himself up on his hands while his legs splayed out in front of him, giving Spock easier access. “Harder, I need it harder.”
Pre-ejaculate had slowly oozed from the organ’s tip as Kirk’s excitement had grown. It gave the lubrication Spock needed to tightened his grip and quicken the stroking of Kirk’s penis. Kirk’s hips moved up and down in rhythm with the unrestrained caress.
“God, I’m going to come.” Kirk moaned and threw his head back, his eyes squeezed more tightly shut.
Not knowing where the impulse came from, Spock nevertheless bent down and began suckling a nipple. When he lightly bit down, Kirk cried out and came, his sperm pulsing forth onto Spock’s hand.
As he held the still quivering human, Spock brought one hand up to cradle Kirk’s head. Whether by accident or design, his fingers brushed the meld points of Kirk face and the jolt that hit Spock was so intense that he almost blacked out. His body caught on fire as Kirk’s physical pleasure transmitted itself to him. Coupled with his own need, it overloaded his senses. He buried his face against the human’s neck and let the sensations carry him over the edge. When he was once more aware of his surroundings, they were both lying down and he had Kirk wrapped in his arms.
Kirk’s eyes literally shone as he looked up and smiled at Spock. “Wow. That was,” he chuckled, “I don’t know what that was.”
“Nor do I. I was quite overcome by it, whatever it is.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Kirk trailed his fingers through the hair on Spock’s chest and belly. “But I didn’t even touch you and you came. I like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it means you like me as much as I like you.”
Spock didn’t answer but Kirk didn’t seem to need one. Which was fortunate because Spock did not believe that was was it meant. Not at all.
“God, that was great.” Kirk rolled off Spock and collapsed on the mattress.
Spock had to agree, though he was quite beyond speech at the moment.
Enthralled by his body’s responses from that afternoon, he hadn’t thought it possible that their coupling could be anymore satisfying. Yet what they had done at the river paled in comparison to what they had done in this bed. The feel of Kirk’s penis rubbing against his own as their bodies battered against each other was indescribable. The weight of the human against his chest and abdomen, Kirk slick with sweat and heaving for each breath, had only added to the already overwhelming sensations that had coursed through Spock. Without thought, he had pulled Kirk tightly to him and they had rode out the maelstrom together.
Now, their joint emissions slowly cooling on his belly, Spock wondered if perhaps he should make sure Kirk truly understood their relationship. He did not wish for his friend to continue to believe there was an emotional attachment where none existed. “Jim...”
Kirk bolted upright. “You hungry? I’m hungry.” He jumped out of bed and hastily pulled on a pair of shorts. “Just in case someone comes by.”
“Jim, I believe there is something—”
“I think I’ll make a sandwich. Glass of milk would taste good, too.” He looked at Spock expectantly. “You want anything?”
Spock stared at him. Kirk looked ready to bolt to the kitchen. Food is what was on his mind and would be a distraction until his hunger was appeased. Perhaps it would be best to wait for a more efficacious time to broach this particular subject. “No, I am not hungry.”
“You sure?” At Spock’s nod, Kirk started for the door. “I’ll be right back.”
Spock used the time Kirk was gone to clean himself off and bring the bed to a state where sleep would be possible. By the time Kirk returned, a tray loaded down with sandwiches, cookies and two glasses of milk in his hands, Spock was comfortably ensconced under the blankets.
“I brought enough for both of us in case you changed your mind. Don’t worry if you didn’t. I’m so hungry, I don’t think I’ll have any trouble finishing all this off myself.” Kirk rambled on while placing the tray on the bedside table, removing his shorts and sliding under the covers next to Spock. He then grabbed the tray and placed it between his widespread legs.
Spock turned on his side and watched the human eat. “Are you not bothered by the prospect of weight gain by ingesting so many calories?”
“Nope,” Kirk responded around the cookie in his mouth. “I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound.” He took a large swallow of milk. “Besides, I’m trying to beef up a little. It’s bad enough I’m younger than most of the cadets. I don’t need to be smaller than most of them, too.”
“Does you lack of stature bother you?”
Kirk gave him a look and then shrugged. “I still got a few years before a quit growing.”
Spock studied his friend, who had put his sandwich down and was absently picking at the blanket. “You are troubled by this; I did not mean to offend you.”
“That’s all right.” Kirk looked up at him through what Spock thought of as ridiculously long lashes. “I guess Vulcans aren’t bothered by stuff like that.”
“It would be illogical to be displeased by something beyond one’s control.” He did not add how often, even with Vulcans, logic had nothing to do with it.
“That’s sort of nice. I’d like to visit your planet one day. I bet I’d really like it.”
Spock thought that was a bet Kirk would lose. “Eat your sandwich. I wish to retire.”
Kirk grinned and took a bite.
Spock waded out of the water. He grabbed the towel hung on the overhanging branch and began to dry himself off. His stroke was improving and, as Kirk as anticipated, once he’d taken into account his different center of gravity, he had managed to find his balance. He began to believe that a berth on a Federation starship was once more within his grasp.
“You ready to head back now?” Kirk swam up to the bank and joined Spock in toweling himself dry.
“I believe so. The drills you recommended have had the desired affect. Repeating them at this time would only cause fatigue. There is always tomorrow.”
“Oh, we still have a few more days before you have to take the test again, don’t we? You said they gave you ten days.”
“That is correct. But I see no point in postponing the test if I have already acquired the skills to pass it. I believe one more day will see me at a sufficient level of expertise.”
Kirk looked at him in dismay. “But you just got here. Besides, what about the two Vulcans you saw? What if they’re still there?”
Spock realized with chagrin that the possibility had slipped his mind. He had been so wrapped up in planning his future, he had given little thought to anything else. He wiped his arms and tried to think of a solution. “Perhaps you are correct. Moreover, a few more days of practice could only strengthen my skills.”
“That’s right.” Kirk walked over to where their clothes lay on the blanket they’d spread on the ground and began to dress. “What do you feel like doing now?”
“I thought we would return to the house. I noticed several books in your bookcase downstairs I would appreciate perusing.”
“Reading? Ah, come on, Spock, there’s got to be something else you’d rather do.”
“You would prefer we had sex?”
Kirk expression changed but to what Spock could not say. He only knew it was as if a door had physically swung shut between them.
“That was a lousy thing to say.”
Spock was confused. Kirk had been the aggressor that morning, awakening him by drawing Spock’s penis into his mouth. They had ended up performing fellatio on each other, in a maneuver Kirk had identified as ‘sixty-nine.’ The human had been hungry for him then and Spock had not missed the furtive glances Kirk threw his way during the lesson. Then, as now, Spock’s naked body obviously aroused him. For him to now express outrage because Spock had initiated the offer made no sense.
“You do not wish to have sex?”
“Of course I want to have sex. But you make it sound like that’s all it is.”
Spock mentally chastised himself. He knew Kirk was exaggerating their relationship into something it was not, and he regretted not speaking of it to him the night before. “Jim,” Spock wrapped the towel around his waist and approached Kirk. “What else do you think it is?”
Kirk plopped down on the blanket and folded his arms across his bent knees, his forehead resting on top. He didn’t answer at first, but sat there that way for several moments. Finally, he brought his head up. “I know what you think. You think I’m blowing things all out of proportion. Well, you’re wrong. But it’s not just sex between us, Spock. I know it isn’t. Can you honestly stand there and tell me you feel nothing for me? Not even friendship?”
“I do not know, for I do not know what friendship feels like.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Spock pulled the towel off and began to dress, all the while trying to formulate a response. But how to explain the perceptions of one species to another? No more could one explain sight to a blind person.
Fully dressed, Spock took a place next to Kirk. “These feelings you speak so freely of are human feelings, and I am not human.”
“I know,” Kirk responded softly. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel.”
“Perhaps, but I have no reference to draw upon. Is what I feel for you friendship or merely gratitude? I do not know. But I fear it is not all you would wish it to be.”
Kirk shrugged. “It won’t be the first time. I seem to have this really annoying habit of expecting more out of people than they’re willing to give.”
“It is not that I am unwilling to give it; it is that I may not have it to give.”
Kirk turned and studied him. “Somehow, I don’t believe that, even if you do.” Then he smiled. “We could find out together, though. Couldn’t we?”
Spock did not know if it was the smile or his own reluctance to hurt the human once again, but he found himself responding. He nodded in agreement.
“Come on, then,” Kirk grabbed his hand and together they stood up. “Let’s go home.”
“What is the point of this?” Spock asked, clearly bewildered.
“It’s to see who can do the most disgusting thing possible. Whoever does, wins.”
“Wins what?”
“Depends. Sometimes money, sometimes prices.” Kirk grabbed the remote and clicked off the televid. “It’s a stupid program, anyway.”
“Indeed. Are they all that way?”
“Nah,” Kirk pulled himself up from where he’d been slouching on the couch. “But there’s quite a few from what I’ve heard. You don’t have much time to sit and watch vids when you live on a farm.” He stretched and started for the kitchen. “Want something to drink?”
“Water would be appreciated.”
“Water? I meant a beer or something.”
Spock frowned. “I did not realize you were old enough to imbibe alcoholic beverages.”
Kirk shrugged. “I’m not. But Mom’s not here. I thought we could snag a couple.”
“I do not believe so.”
“Killjoy,” Kirk deadpanned, though, truth be told, he was sort of glad Spock had refused. “Okay, water it is.”
He went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for Spock. At the refrigerator, he stood, still torn as to what to get for himself. He’d drunk before, a little. Both times he’d lost practically every inhibition he had. He’d been lucky; only Sam had seen him make a total fool of himself. Kirk couldn’t begin to imagine what he’d do in the same state with Spock. But he had been counting on the dutch courage to get him through the evening. He wanted something from Spock, something he was afraid to ask for cold sober. But maybe Spock would only think he was asking because he was drunk. Kirk sighed and grabbed a bottle of fruit juice.
He returned to the living room. “You want to sit outside? The weather’s great and it’s too early for the mosquitoes to be a problem.”
Spock stood and took the glass of water. “I do not believe I would find them a problem in any event.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I forgot Vulcans have green blood.” Kirk grinned. “Though it would be really interesting to see what happened to the poor mosquito. Come on, let’s go find out.”
They stepped out onto the front porch. Kirk confiscated the swing hanging along one side of the verandah, while Spock chose the rocker positioned right outside the door. He took the afghan thrown over its back and settled it across his legs.
“You cold?” Kirk was only wearing cutoffs and still felt a little warm. But the sun was barely meeting the horizon; it would cool off measurably in the next hour.
“Not at the present but neither am I warm. The blanket will aid in keeping my body’s temperature at an agreeable level.”
“Hm.” Kirk kicked his foot off the floor, sending the swing lazily swaying. “I’ll go get you another one later on, then, because you’ll probably need it.”
Spock only nodded and the two allowed themselves to enjoy the evening quiet. That’s one thing Kirk had discovered almost right away; they didn’t need words but seemed to communicate on a higher level. Without saying a word, he’d found that Spock knew exactly what he wanted. Just another reason he was finding the Vulcan so hard to resist.
The sky darkened and soon the night was lit only by the wide expanse of stars that danced above them. There was no moon, so Spock was just a darker silhouette against the backdrop of the house behind him.
“Can you see Vulcan from here?” Kirk asked, finally breaking the silence.
“Not Vulcan, 40 Eridani A.” Spock thought a moment and then stood and moved to the edge of the porch. He scanned the skies before pointing to the western horizon. “Yes, it is there.”
Kirk got up and joined him. He looked but saw nothing. “Where?”
“In the constellation you call Eridanus.” Spock moved behind him, so close that his face was almost pressed against Kirk’s. “Look to Rigel in the constellation of Orion. Follow the meandering line of stars south.” His finger traced the stellar points of light. “There, do you see it? The orange fourth magnitude star.”
“I think so.” Kirk squinted. “Yes, I see it!”
Spock’s arm dropped away and Kirk used the opportunity to grab both and wrap them around himself. “How far away it is?”
“Not far. A mere sixteen point five light years.”
“We haven’t got that far in our Federation history class at the Academy. We’re still studying how Earth managed to get into space. But now I’m ahead of everyone else. When the instructor asks about Vulcan, I’ll be able to tell him where it is and far away it is.”
“Will you tell them you had your own private Vulcan tutor?”
Kirk laughed. “I wouldn’t dare. I don’t think they’d believe me, anyway.”
Why not?” The Vulcan sounded truly puzzled.
“Because they’ll all believe what most people believe about Vulcans; that they’re cold and heartless and that you could never be friends with one, much less lovers.”
Spock pulled away then and returned to the rocker.
Kirk felt bereft, cold. He grabbed one of the other chairs and pulled it over next to Spock. He sat straddling the chair. “What did I say? Was it that I called us lovers? We are, you know. Even if you don’t love me, we’re still lovers.”
“It is not that; I knew what you meant.” Spock hesitated. “I believe there is something you should know.”
“All right.”
Spock remained silent.
“What is it, Spock?”
The Vulcan took a deep breath. “I am not what you think I am.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I am not Vulcan.”
Kirk stared at him, puzzled. “Of course you are. What else would you be?”
“Perhaps, I should rephrase that. I am not full Vulcan.”
“Oh.” Kirk didn’t see the point. “Okay, you’re not full Vulcan. So what?”
“I am not full Vulcan because my mother is Terran.”
“Really? That’s great!”
Spock stared at him, obviously distressed. “You do not understand what it is to be Vulcan or what it is to only be half.”
“I’m sorry.” Kirk sobered. “But I guess I really don’t understand. What’s wrong with being part human?”
“It is not that I am part human, it is that I am only half Vulcan.”
“You’re talking in riddles! I don’t understand what your problem is. It’s certainly not one for me.”
“No, I know it is not.” Spock looked at him as if he could make Kirk understand with just the force of his thoughts.
And I thought we could read each other’s minds. “What is it you want from me, Spock?”
Spock’s response surprised him when, after studying him a moment, Spock brought his hand up to cup Kirk’s cheek. Another few moments passed and then he leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Kirk’s lips. “Let us go upstairs.”
Kirk didn’t argue and they moved as one inside and up to Kirk’s bedroom.
Spock made love to him fiercely and Kirk forgot about wanting something more. But later, sated, with Spock pressed up against him, Spock’s arm wrapped tight around his waist, Kirk remembered.
They returned to the pond the next afternoon and Spock realized the motions he’d once found difficult had now become an automatic reflex. He slid effortlessly through the water, turning easily when he approached the bank and starting back to the other side. There was no doubt in his mind he would easily pass the upcoming test.
He stopped and treaded water, intent on informing Kirk of his progress. But the human stood at the edge of the pond, a look of dismay on his face.
Spock swam toward the bank and pulled himself out. “What is wrong?”
Kirk only shook his head and started back to the blanket spread beneath the trees. His movements were so violent, the horses nickered in protest and shied away as he approached.
“Jim?” Spock followed, wondering at the sudden change in his friend’s demeanor.
“Don’t worry about it.” Kirk sat down and hugged his bent legs up against his chest.
Spock sat next to him. “I am concerned. Did I do something to offend you?”
Kirk’s mouth twisted into a grimace. “No, you didn’t offend me.” He grabbed a rock from the ground next to the blanket and threw it into the water. “It’s just that you’ve gotten really good at swimming, that’s all.”
“I was under the impression that was the whole point of this exercise.”
“It was. But you didn’t have to get so good so fast.” He scowled at Spock, as if mastering the skill so quickly had been a violation of trust.
“You are an excellent teacher.”
“Yeah, aren’t I just great?” Kirk sarcastically responded.
“Jim, I do not understand what the problem is.”
“I’ll tell you what the problem is. Now, you’ll want to go back to the Academy to take your test. And after you pass it, I’ll probably never see you again.”
“You knew I would be leaving.”
“I know.” Kirk’s head dropped onto his knees. “I just didn’t think it would be so soon.”
Spock didn’t know what to make of this new development. Of course he wished to retake the test as soon as possible; the sooner he passed, the sooner he would be stationed aboard a ship. Surely, Kirk did not expect him to stay longer than was necessary.
“When will you be leaving?” Kirk’s muffled voice was tight.
Spock found an answering constriction in his own throat and wondered at the cause. “When do you wish me to leave?”
“Never.” Kirk brought his head up. “But, maybe, we could stay here three more days. They gave you ten and you still have four left. If we left the day before you had to be back, that would give us plenty of time to get there.”
Spock looked away. “Jim—”
“Please, Spock. Once you go, that’s it. You’ll be out in space and I’ve still got three years at the Academy. Please, Spock.” He scooted closer and brought his arms around Spock. “Please.”
The softness of the human’s lips pressing against his was Spock’s undoing. He gave into the fire that Kirk’s touch kindled within him. He heard Kirk moan as Spock lowered him onto the blanket, their kiss never breaking, and rolled atop him.
Kirk’s hands fastened on his shoulders, then moved down to claw at his back. The human was almost frantic. Kirk’s hands moved again and Spock felt him fumbling at their swim trunks. Spock disengaged himself from Kirk’s embrace and knelt up. He grabbed the human’s trunks and pulled them down his legs and off, then stood and stripped off his own.
He stood over the human and feasted on the sight below him. Kirk lay panting, his cock jutting upward and his legs splayed open in invitation.
Spock slipped to his knees. He lowered his mouth to Kirk’s groin and, relaxing his throat muscles, took the organ to its root into his mouth.
Kirk let out a startled grunt and grabbed Spock’s head. His hips rose to meet Spock’s devouring mouth and his fingers entwined in Spock’s hair to hold him as he began to suck the human’s cock. He slid his hands beneath Kirk’s hips and grabbed his buttocks in a fierce hold, steadying their erratic pistoning as Kirk’s organ slid in and out of his mouth.
Between his own legs, Spock could feel his penis, full and heavy, pulsing to the same rhythm as that which beat between him and Kirk. He didn’t try to examine it, too caught up in its hypnotic cadence. Something was coming alive between them, something sweet and all-powerful.
“Wait. Stop, please stop.”
He vaguely heard the words; it was more Kirk’s insistent hands pushing at him that brought Spock back to himself. “What?” he stupidly asked.
Kirk twisted around and grabbed the pants he’d discarded earlier. He fumbled around in the pockets until he found what he was looking for. He turned back, while hastily unscrewing the cap from the small tube in his hands. “Here, use some of this.”
Spock stared at him, unsure of what Kirk wanted. Seeing his confusion, Kirk grabbed his hand and squirted some of the ointment onto his palm. “Put it inside me.”
“Inside?”
Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand and shoved it down between his legs. “In there. Put your fingers in there.”
“I...” Spock looked at his hand, so close to the opening of Kirk’s body, shaking with either fear or passion, Spock wasn’t sure which.
“Do it.” Kirk pulled his legs ups, exposing himself even more.
Spock meant to protest but, instead, he found his middle finger slowly gliding into the human’s snug channel. Mesmerized, he watched as it seemed to be sucked in, the tight constriction clasping around it as if to hold him to Kirk forever.
Kirk cried out and lifted his hips higher. Spock pulled his finger almost all the way out and then sent it back in, over and over, deeper and harder. With each plunge into Kirk’s body, the human lost even more control, until he could do little more than twist and moan under Spock’s assault.
Yet, somehow, he managed to maneuver closer until his buttocks were lying against Spock’s thighs. He shoved Spock’s hand away and repositioned himself until Spock’s organ nestled between his cheeks.
“Go on, put it in,” Kirk rasped.
Spock felt himself being drawn into the whirlpool of their joint desire. He grabbed Kirk’s legs and pulled them open even more. His cock seemed aimed at the human’s hole, even now pulsing with need. He placed its tip at the opening.
The shock that went through his mind jolted Spock’s body away from Kirk. He landed on his back and scuttled back in fright, crab-like, from the confused human.
“Wha—?” Kirk seemed unable to find his voice. He swallowed and tried again. “What happened?”
Spock stared at him, too afraid to get closer. “We cannot do this. You should never have forced the situation.”
“Forced?” Kirk croaked. “I didn’t force you.”
Spock stood and started hastily throwing on his clothes. “We should go back to the house.”
Kirk seemed to finally gather his wits. He sat up, wincing as his buttocks took his full weight. “What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing. I merely wish to leave.”
“Leave? Here, or me?”
Spock didn’t answer. He didn’t know the answer.
Kirk’s face hardened. “So that’s it. I’m not good enough for you to fuck. A quick grope under the sheets is one thing but you might pick up something if you actually put your cock in me.”
“I do not wish to discuss it.”
“No, I imagine you wouldn’t.” Kirk slowly climbed to his feet and, gathering his clothes, began to get dressed. “But that’s okay, I get the picture. I don’t need to be hit over the head with it.”
“You would not understand.”
Kirk looked at him in disgust. “Of course I wouldn’t. I’m just a human, after all.” He tilted his head. “Is that what the big deal is? I’m the same as the half of yourself you’re so ashamed of?”
Spock’s lips tightened. “I should never have told you. I did not think you would use the information against me.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I’ve made a big enough fool of myself already. I don’t even want to imagine what people would think of me if I were stupid enough to tell anyone.”
Kirk bent down and grabbed the blanket, shook it out and folded it up, all without looking at Spock again. He took it over and tied to his saddle, then pulled himself up onto his horse. “Tell you what.” He looked straight ahead. “You don’t even have to ride back with me.” With that, he gave a slight kick and started the horse forward. He didn’t look back.
Spock stayed at the river for several hours after Kirk fled, afraid of going back to the house. Afraid not to. In the back of his mind, the link he’d allowed himself to forget about throbbed, an unwelcome occupant. He sat at the river’s edge, now immune to its beauty.
A strange pain filled him, one even the residual ache of the violated link could not undermine. It seemed to radiate from his chest, yet encompass his entire body at the same time. He did not know what it was, yet he felt as if he should.
He had hurt Kirk terribly. And, that, he would always regret. But he could neither explain to his friend what happened nor change its outcome. He was not free to explore the strange and wonderful connection he’d seen bloom between them, but Kirk must never know why. Kirk was an outworlder. It was forbidden.
His horse snorted and pawed at the ground. Yet something else to feel regret for; the animal was probably hungry. Spock got up and walked over. He unhitched its reins from the tree he’d tied it to and led the animal away and down the dirt road back to the house.
He maintained a steady pace, yet allowed the horse to graze from time to time, a penance of sorts for his misuse of the animal. It was dark by the time Kirk’s home came into sight, Spock walking past on his way to the barn. Leading the horse to its stall, he removed the saddle and combed the animal as Kirk had shown him. Done, he exited the building and once again approached the house. Though no lights shown from the house, he knew Kirk was there. How he knew that, he didn’t want to think. That he did know was painful enough.
Spock slowly took the steps and crossed the porch to the door. It was unlocked. He let himself into the house and headed directly upstairs. He entered the bedroom he’d shared with Kirk and carefully made his way over to the bed. He turned on the lamp on the night stand. The room was empty.
It was the same, yet not. The welcoming warmth that had surrounded him every time he had crossed the threshold into what was uniquely Kirk’s was gone. The room was cold.
“I packed my things.”
Spock turned. Kirk stood in the doorway.
“We’ll go back tomorrow morning. I’ve already called; there’ll be a taxi here at seven.”
“You are returning to the Academy with me?”
Kirk nodded his head sharply. “I promised to see this thing through. I don’t go back on my word. Besides, I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Very well.” Spock hesitated. “Will you sleep with me?”
“No. I don’t want that anymore, either. I’ve already stowed my stuff in Sam’s room.” Kirk pressed his lips together as if to hold in whatever else he wished to say.
“Jim—”
“Don’t. Just don’t. Goodnight, Spock. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Spock swallowed. “Goodnight, Jim.”
He watched his friend, no, his former friend, walk away, the tread of his footsteps receding until the sound of a door opening and closing ended them.
With stilted movements, Spock undressed for bed. He thought he should take a shower but the very idea of leaving the room, moving closer to Kirk without being able to get closer still, was more than he could bear. Instead, he slipped under the covers and reached over to turn off the light.
He turned onto his back. The light from the moon filtered through the sheer curtains and played patterns across the walls. Alone, he watched them through the night.
He should feel some sort of elation. He was now a member of Starfleet and, within the next few days, he would be assigned to a ship. He would see all the places he had always dreamt of seeing, learn all the things his mind craved to know. He should feel some sort of elation. He felt nothing.
Spock walked the path that led from the administration building back to the dorm. It was a breezy day and there was a slight chill to the air, as if what he’d done to Kirk had leached the warmth from it, yet he kept his steps slow, his pace tempered. His room awaited him, his clothes back in their proper place, the narrow bed remade. He did not know how he would survive it.
He had feared Kirk’s presence. Now, he feared his absence even more.
Spock had awoken that mornin, still alone in Kirk’s bed, to the sharp knock on the door; he didn’t remember falling asleep. He’d gotten up to use the bathroom, then brushed his teeth and showered in haste; he thought if he could spend enough time with Kirk before their transportation arrived he could set things to right. But the taxi was quietly idling in front of the house by the time Spock made his way downstairs. Kirk stood at the open door impatiently waiting and without a word motioned Spock outside. He followed, locking the door behind him.
They had not said one word to each other during the entire trip. It was only after they reached the dorm and were standing in the vacant hallway halfway between their two rooms that Kirk finally spoke.
“I wasn’t thinking clearly this morning.”
Spock felt a spark of hope, quickly squelched.
“I can’t stay here, not with you so close. Gary left the number of the place he was going to be staying. I think I’ll give him a call, meet up with him. I’m sure you’re going to pass the swimming test, so you’ll be gone by the time I get back.”
“Will I never see you again?”
“No, I don’t think so. What would be the point?”
“I desire to be with you,” Spock whispered.
“No, you don’t. Not in anyway that counts. I wish...” Kirk bit his lip.
“What? What do you wish?”
“Kirk shook his head. “Nothing. Goodbye, Spock.” He didn’t give Spock the time to respond but hurried over and let himself into his room, leaving Spock to stare stupidly at the closed door.
That door was still closed when Spock finally reentered the dorm, made his way up the stairwell and walked past it on his way to his room. Whatever connection he had shared with Kirk was now gone; he felt neither his presence nor absence.
Spock let himself into his room and turned on the light. Kirk sat quietly on the bed.
“Hi.” Kirk smiled shakily.
“You are here.”
“Yeah, you thought you’d gotten rid of me, didn’t you?”
Spock slowly made his way over and gingerly sat at Kirk’s side. “I am pleased that you are here.”
“Really?”
He brought his hand up and brushed it against Kirk’s cheek. “I feared never seeing you again. Never touching you again.”
“I know you don’t feel the same way I do but I don’t care. I—”
Spock pressed a finger against Kirk’s lips. “Let me speak. There is much I should have told you at the onset; it was foolish of me to think it could go unsaid.” He pulled away and locked his hands together on his lap.
Kirk cocked his head to one side, plainly curious.
“Do you recall my telling you that I had no reference for the feelings you wished to engender in me?”
“Yeah,” Kirk answered warily.
“I was not being completely truthful. I did not know what to call what I felt for you, that much is true. I had never had these feelings before or, if I did, I obliterated them under the weight of Vulcan logic. But I knew their absence and as we grew close, it seemed as if that which had always been missing was suddenly mine.”
“Then it wasn’t a bad thing, was it?”
Spock turned to gaze at the human. So much willingness to give, even in the face of Spock’s inexplicable behavior. “No, not a bad thing; perhaps, the best thing I have ever known, or will ever know again. But I refused to accept what was happening between us, gave it any name but its own.” He reached out and wrapped his hands around Kirk’s biceps. “I made you think I held you in low regard; nothing could be further from the truth. What I did, I did out of fear, for I fear that what I do feel for you is not only of Earth but of Vulcan also. You do not understand, you cannot understand what that means.”
“Can’t you tell me?”
Spock shook his head in regret. “It is not allowed. I know that is not a sufficient explanation but it is the only one I can give you. But this I can tell you. If I were free to give myself to someone, it would be to you. I can think of no other I would be as honored to join with in this way. But I am not free.”
“What can you give me?”
“The remainder of the time that is left to me here. All that I am, the entirety of my being, while we are together.”
Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist and went eagerly into his embrace. “It’s nowhere near what I want and it’ll probably make your leaving even harder to bear. But I don’t care; I’m taking whatever I can get.”
Spock stirred and rolled onto his side. A cool breeze blew in from the open window, causing him to reach down and pull the sheet up to cover himself. Next to him, the covers kicked down and bunched up around his feet, Kirk lay in an indolent sprawl. A light sheen of perspiration still slicked his chest and arms from their most recent lovemaking.
He actually smiled, so very glad he had been allowed to return to this place. When Spock had notified Mr. Salazar of his intentions of staying somewhere else to wait out the results, his counselor had called up to the main office and had a communicator delivered; it would allow the Academy to contact him wherever he was. That problem resolved, he had returned to Kirk, who waited impatiently on the front steps of the building. They wasted no time in hiring a taxi to make the frustratingly long trip back to Kirk’s home. Barely in the door, they had thrown off convention as well as their clothes. That they had made it to the bedroom seemed a wonder now.
Spock propped himself up on an elbow and marked the steady rise and fall of Kirk’s chest; his lover was sound asleep so Spock could watch his fill. He let his gaze roam slowly up and down the still figure. He wished to memorize every part of Kirk: the curve of his cheek, the sandy hair with its tendency to curl, the toned and muscled body. All these things and more, he would commit to memory, so that in the coming years, when the loss became too much to bear, he could take them out and savor them.
He thought back on the last heady hours since their return; that, too, would be there. Spock had never known such joy: to hold Kirk to him, to know the sweetness of passion tempered by deep affection to a rich and life-sustaining union. All that he would remember as long as there was breath in his body.
The temptation to touch Kirk overcame him. He reached out and lightly brushed Kirk’s hair off his forehead.
Kirk’s eye’s fluttered open and he gave Spock a gentle smile. “Hi.”
“I did not mean to wake you.”
“It doesn’t matter.” He stretched and turned his head toward the window. “The sun will be going down soon.” He looked back at Spock. “I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”
“I do not know. I seem to be able to think of satisfying only one appetite at a time.”
Kirk’s smile turned into a satisfied grin. “I know what you mean but if I don’t eat, I might not have a strength for another round.”
Spock sat up. “Then you must eat. Come,” he climbed out of bed and started hunting for his pants, “I shall prepare a meal.”
Kirk rolled off the other side and went over to the bureau sitting next to the window. He opened up the middle drawer and pulled out a pair of cutoffs, then scrounged around some more until he found an old pair of running shorts. He turned and tossed them at Spock. “Here, these will do better. Besides, I think what you’re looking for is somewhere on the stairwell.”
Spock caught the article of clothing and after a quick inspection put the shorts on. Though not his usual attire, they were comfortable. In any event, he doubted he would have them on long.
“They look good on you. Blue’s your color.”
“I did not realize I had a color.”
Kirk shook his head, his exasperation tinged with humor. “Come on,” he grabbed Spock’s arm and pulled him toward the doorway. “I thought I heard something about being fed.”
They decided some fresh air would do them both good, so after a surprising delicious meal they adjourned to the porch. The sun was creeping towards the horizon, turning the sky orange and pink.
Kirk propped himself up with his arms behind him as he balanced on the railing. One leg swung lazily back and forth. “This is nice. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit on this porch and not think of us together.”
“I, too, will long remember this moment.”
“I wish we never had to leave,” Kirk murmured.
Spock looked up from his place on the top step. “Jim—”
“No, that’s okay. I’m just being stupid.”
The Vulcan stood and approached him. Kirk kept his face turned away, pretending to be watching the sunset. Instead of forcing him to look at him, Spock sat behind Kirk and shifted him over so that his weight pressed against Spock’s chest. His arms settled around Kirk’s waist.
“The sun makes the sky look like that of my planet.”
Kirk turned his head to nestle within the hollow of Spock’s throat. “Spock—”
“Let me speak.”
They sat there for several minutes before Spock finally did. “If it were possible for me to stay here, I would. But both of us have a different destiny to follow, one that neither of us truly wishes to give up.
“I do not know if we shall ever see each other again after I leave this place, and the thought of that weighs more heavily upon me than you could ever know. In you, I have found a part of myself I did not know existed. If the price I must pay for that knowledge is that I must leave it all behind, it is a price I will pay, gladly. That I had this time with you at all is a gift beyond measure.”
“So, is this all we get, then? A lousy week?” Kirk turned to face Spock. “It’s not fair.”
He outlined Kirk’s lips with the tip of his finger. “You are really quite beautiful, did you know that?”
“Stop it, stop changing the subject. You do that to me all the time.”
“It is because you ask questions which have no answers. Why were we allotted only a week’s time? Who is to know? Perhaps it was meant to sustain us through whatever adversity comes our way. Or, perhaps it is nothing at all, a pleasant interlude we give too much weight, one that will fade with time.”
“You don’t believe that anymore than I do. Spock, I don’t want to lose you.”
He forced Kirk back around and held him once more. “We will have this night to remember.”
Spock was quiet for a long time after that. Kirk, nestled against the solid weight behind him, had allowed his mind to drift and was caught off-guard when the Vulcan spoke again.
“Jim, I do not wish you to return with me when...when it is time for me to leave.”
Kirk tightened his hold on the arms that held him. “Why not?”
“It will be difficult, saying goodbye in front of others. I do not wish my last memories of you to be those where I could not touch you.”
He didn’t like it; as far as he was concerned, any time together was to be grabbed with both hands. But he did understand. “All right.”
“And perhaps you should think of our coming together in another way.”
“What other way?”
“Not as the culmination of your desires but merely the first attempt at finding what it is you wish from the person you will share your life with.”
“What are you talking about?”
Spock seemed to hesitate. “I believe it is called a ‘trial-run.’”
Kirk tried to pull away. “Let go of me, Spock!”
“No, I will not. You must allow me to explain.”
“Explain what? That you think you’re nothing but an experiment on my part?”
“That was not what I meant to convey. Please, Jim.”
He stopped struggling. He was hurt and angry but he cared too much to not listen. “Go ahead.”
“When I failed the first swimming test, my counselor advised me to look on it as a ‘trial run,’ as a first attempt, rather than as the final result. Is that not what we have been to each other, a first attempt? A first time at feeling what we feel for one another? Can you truly say there will be no others for you? No others you will hold dear?”
Kirk hated to agree, but he had to admit Spock was right. As much as this meant to him, would always mean to him, he knew he would not stop living once Spock was gone. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“‘Maybe’?” Spock lightly pressed his lips to Kirk’s temple. “It is my wish that there be others for you. I do not think I could tolerate the idea of you being alone.”
“I’ll still miss you.”
“As I will you.” Spock leaned around and looked up into Kirk’s face. “Are you all right?”
“No,” Kirk said, almost belligerently. He softened his voice. “No. But I have to be, don’t I?”
Spock let him go and slipped off the railing. He took Kirk’s hand. “Come, we should go upstairs.”
They would make love, off and on, all night. Kirk was never able to get Spock to go all the way with him. No matter how much he teased and cajoled and flaunted himself, he could not get that one thing from him. When Spock appeared to be getting really upset about it, Kirk finally backed off and let it go. But he knew he would always regret never getting that from his lover. He wanted to know what it felt like, to have a man fill your body with his cock. He wanted to know what it felt like with Spock.
They finally fell asleep to the sounds of the first birdsong.
The space next to him was empty when Kirk woke the day. Maybe Spock went looking for something to eat. It sounded like a good idea to him. He threw aside the sheet and padded into the bathroom, forcing his morning erection away so he could empty his bladder. What a waste He smiled to himself, then washed up and threw on a pair of cutoffs. Through the window he saw Mr. Elliot, their neighbor, just exiting the barn. Kirk glanced at the chronometer. Almost noon. He stretched and gave into a yawn. Maybe after they ate they could come back to bed for awhile. He hurriedly straightened the covers before going downstairs to look for Spock.
He slowed as he passed the front entry. Spock’s bag sat, packed and ready, next to the door. At that moment Kirk knew the news they had both feared and anxiously waited for had come. He heard the clatter of dishes in the kitchen and bolted down the hallway and through the connecting door.
Spock sat at the table, looking out. He did not turn at Kirk’s entrance.
Kirk approached the silent figure and took the seat next to him. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
Spock nodded slightly. “Yes. I received the call approximately twenty minutes ago.”
“Weren’t you going to wake me up?”
“It occurred to me not to; my leaving would be painful enough without the additional burden of seeing its affect on you. But I could not in good conscience do so. And I suspected you would never forgive me.” He gave Kirk a slightly bemused look.
Kirk tried to smile back. “Oh, I probably would have, eventually. After I’d tracked you down and beaten the living daylights out of you.”
“I would have looked forward to such an event, if it meant seeing you again.”
“I could go with you. I know what you said but I have to go back, anyway.”
Spock shook his head. No, I do not wish to say goodbye to you in front of others. It is best done here.”
“Oh, Spock.” Kirk took the Vulcan’s hand. “How soon do you have to leave?”
“I told the transit company I needed the taxi to to be here at thirteen hundred hours.”
“That doesn’t give us much time.”
Spock looked down. “There could never be enough time for us.”
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Kirk blurted out.
“Jim don’t—”
“Why not? I don’t. I know you have to but I don’t want to pretend, Spock.” He felt the burn of tears and rapidly blinked. He would not cry, not now. He wouldn’t do that to Spock. “I’m not going to forget you, not ever.”
“Nor I you.” Spock’s head lifted and he tightened his hold on Kirk’s hand. “One never knows; perhaps, someday, we shall meet again. Perhaps serve on the same ship.”
Kirk smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Come.” Spock stood and pulled Kirk to his feet. “Let us wait on the porch.”
The walked outside and stood, side by side, along the front railing. The day was warm but a soft breeze blew through the verandah, so Kirk wrapped his arm around Spock’s waist and leaned into the returned embrace.
They spoke little. Everything had already been said and Kirk wasn’t so sure he could have spoken, anyway. What few words he did speak where forced past the knot in his chest and the tightness in his throat. At those times, he would strengthen his hold and bury his face against Spock’s neck. Sometimes, he would feel Spock’s lips press against his forehead in return. The minutes passed, too quickly, and only when they saw the taxi take the turn onto the road leading to the house did they draw apart.
Spock picked up his bags from where he’d placed them near the steps, propping one under his arm, and walked down into the yard. He turned and raised his hand, fingers parted. “Live long and prosper, James Kirk.”
Kirk swallowed. “You, too, Spock,” he managed to croak.
The Vulcan stood silently gazing at him until the taxi had pulled up onto the driveway. Without a word, he boarded the waiting vehicle. Then he was gone.
Kirk watched the receding taxi until it was out of sight. When he could manage it, he turned and went back into the house, closing the door quietly behind him.
Epilog:
Spock pulled the sleeping man in his arms closer. Though Kirk had fallen asleep at the end of their lovemaking, Spock had remained awake to relish the rebirth of their aborted relationship.
So many years would pass before the boy he had left that day had walked back into his life. Spock had feared his new captain would not remember or, worse, wish their time together had never been. But then Kirk had smiled at him and Spock knew that he did indeed remember. Remembered and cherished those few days of youthful passion.
Two more years would pass before they would find their way back to each other. It had been a long, sometimes lonely journey for both but the seed that had been planted during their time together had finally been allowed to bear fruit and flourish. Admiration, friendship, love, all they once had roared back a thousand fold as they learned each other anew. When freed of the woman chosen for him, Spock’s mind and body had reached for that which it had always desired. Kirk had been there waiting.
Spock smiled. This night had been so much more than anything they had had before. Kirk’s body, lush and eager, had welcomed him in, the snug channel closing around his organ with each thrust; Kirk’s mind, keen and dynamic, had enfolded Spock’s in its sheltering embrace, surprising Spock with its benevolent dominance. When they had finally settled into sleep, there was no question they’d each formed a life-long addiction to what only the other could give them.
Spock had always known it would be thus; the occurrence at the water’s edge, as disturbing as it had been, had been a bittersweet harbinger. Spock had never been certain what had caused his reaction the day they had almost become one, why his mind had responded so violently when he’d moved to breach Kirk’s body, but he had his suspicions. His desire had been so profound for that one act that it could have brought his shields tumbling down, allowing awareness of it through the link. If that had been the case, T’Pring’s response would have been swift and sure. If not, his guilt over what he perceived as an act of betrayal would have been strong enough to create such a reaction.
He turned to nuzzle into the human’s sweet-smelling hair. Always, that scent had remained strong in his memory. As he had known he would, he had found himself digging deep, to that well-hidden and secure place in his mind where Kirk dwelled, to relive their time together and remember the extraordinary youth he had given his heart to. Kirk’s taste, the feel of Kirk’s skin sliding against his own and, especially, the fragrance which was uniquely Kirk’s, helped Spock rebuild the picture of Kirk’s form and the indomitable spirit it held.
There had been few others for him in the intervening years; Spock had seen no logic in turning to yet another he could not have. Yet, he had been delighted to learn that had not been the case for Kirk. His captain had tasted life to the fullest, had loved and been loved. There had been rejection and heartbreak; yet Kirk had persevered, so that the man who had come to Spock’s bed this night knew exactly who and what he wanted. He wanted Spock. Forever.
“Go to sleep, Spock. We’re on duty in the morning,” Kirk mumbled as he turned in Spock’s arms and resettled with his back pressed against Spock’s side.
“Momentarily, Jim.” Spock forbore from mentioning that “morning” was less than an hour away.
He followed Kirk over so that their bodies were again snug against each other. Lacing his arm through Kirk’s he took his lover’s hand in his.
Spock felt a swell of contentment and satisfaction he found hard to contain as he recalled his words to Kirk so many years before. First attempt. Perhaps. But none could say they did not get it right the first time. They had had their trial run; further testing was unnecessary.
Finis
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-15 07:43 pm (UTC)Though I might be biased since I've always enjoyed your fics. *grins*
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 10:17 am (UTC)Thank you! Knowing they couldn't stay together did cast a certain shadow over the story, which is why I finally decided on an epilogue. The thought of leaving them apart....
Again, thanks, for reading and commenting.
Though I might be biased since I've always enjoyed your fics. *grins*
Oh, that's perfectly acceptable. ;-)
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Date: 2010-06-16 10:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 07:22 pm (UTC)