Future Imperfect (K/S) Pt 12 of 13

[gilda_elise]

Title: Future Imperfect
Fandom: Star Trek (TOS)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Summary: In the ruins of one world, two men of different planets meet. One looks to the future, one to the past. But as their lives intertwine, they find that their happiness is dependent on the past one seeks and the future the other fights for.
Notes: Originally published by Kathy Resch as a stand-alone novel. Artwork by Lorraine Brevig and Virginia Sky.

Many thanks to artconserv and cluesby4 for allowing me to post their beautiful artwork here.






Chapter 12

Spock materialized in the Sh’Raan’s transporter room. Several crew members were standing nearby, either having just come on board or wishing to beam back down to the planet. The ship had pulled into orbit the day before and he had received his orders. He would take over the duties of science officer starting in five days.

In the meantime, he, along with all new crew members, had been requested to make themselves familiar with their stations, as well as have their personal items brought on board and stowed in their quarters. There was little he planned on bringing with him; what there was had already been beamed on board. He was here to see to their unpacking and to become acquainted with his new duties.

He left the transporter room and taking the turbolift, entered an almost deserted bridge. Only one person sat at his station, the navigator if Spock was not mistaken. Another new crew member, Spock surmised, since he had never met the man before. With only a nod in acknowledgment, Spock walked passed him and approached the science station.

Taking a seat, he began running the files of their more recent missions and the upgrades made to the ship, especially to its computers, since he had last been posted to her, and any other pertinent information. It only took a short time and he was preparing to leave when the other man spoke.

“You are Spock.” The man stood and approached him. Younger than Spock, he seemed to be unsure of his reception.

“That is correct.”

“I am Syvar. I have taken the navigation position.” He looked down at Spock’s board. “You are the new science officer.”

“Yes. I will begin my duties shortly.”

“As will I.” He seemed to hesitate. “Have you examined your quarters?”

“That was to be my next destination. Is there a problem with them?”

“None that I am aware of. I asked because it was where I planned to visit next. If you have no objections, I would accompany you.”

“That would be acceptable.” Spock rose and started toward the turbolift, Syvar almost in lockstep with him.

Spock took the control in hand and announced his destination.

“I have learned that you have been assigned to this ship before,” Syvar said once the lift had begun its movement.

“This is true.”

“Was your previous posting to your satisfaction?”

Spock turned to look at him. “There is no reason it would not be.”

“I did not mean to offend. I merely presumed that, since you have returned, you found your prior experience aboard this ship gratifying.”

“No offense was taken.” Spock silently chastised himself. He would need to refrain from finding insult where it was not indicated. “And, yes, I found my previous service aboard this ship most gratifying.”

As Spock was a senior officer and Syvar only a junior one, his room was a level above. The lift began to slow, then stopped.

“I look forward to serving with you,” Syvar said as the lift’s doors opened.

“And I, you,” Spock responded. He disembarked and walked down the corridor to his cabin.

The room was larger than the one he had previous inhabited. Looking about, he noted his two bags placed at the foot of the bed. He retrieved both, placing the larger in the closet. He would deal with it once the ship was on its way. The smaller, he carried over to his desk and began emptying.

Most of the items were placed in the various drawers of the desk, but a few he placed on the shelf over the bed. It felt...odd, adding personal effects. He had not done so the last time. But he had decided that, this time, he would make the effort to create a place that was his own.

He thought about his conversation, brief as it was, with Syvar. It gave him hope that he would be able to build a rapport with his fellow officers, one unsullied by the facts of his pon farr. He knew he would need such a connection. He had changed irrevocably on Earth. No longer was a solitary existence possible for him.

Completing his task, he placed the bag in the closet next to the other one. He gave the room one last look. This would be his home for the next five years, perhaps longer. He had to believe that here he would find the sense of belonging he had long looked for yet had never found.

But you did find it. Once.

Taking his leave, he returned to the transporter room and home.

~~~~~

Spock roamed through his small abode, unable to light, unable to quiet his mind. As the day of his departure neared, he found that the relief of those first few days had disappeared, leaving nothing but an indistinct disquiet. The small hope lit during his visit to the Sh’Raan was gone. He feared that he had traded one state of uncertainly for another, nothing holding him to the ship but a sense of duty that had no real focus.

He poured himself a cup of tea, and then drifted into his bedroom. He thought to read, so turned on the lamp next to his bed, placing his cup next to it as he made himself comfortable against the pillows piled high against the headboard. Sitting there, it occurred to him that he could not remember where he had left the book he had been reading. He had found himself doing that recently, forgetting where he had left things. Not often but enough for him to find it disturbing. He knew it was part of the malaise which had settled over him but he appeared to lack the discipline to do anything about it.

Looking around and not spying the book, he opened up the night stand drawer hoping to find it there. He froze and suddenly remembered something else forgotten. Or banished from his mind. He reached in and almost reverently removed the book he’d placed there so many months before.

The letter within its bound pages he set on the night stand; remembering the letter had brought back all its words in crystal clarity along with the deep ache they had produced. Instead, he focused on the book. What was it about this particular book that had caused Kirk to send it along with him? He didn’t recall Kirk ever speaking of it, yet it must have made a deep impression on him for him to have made a gift of it. Or had it? Was he reading too much into this? Perhaps the book was a simple gift of goodbye, no more. There was only one way to find out. Leaning back, Spock opened the book and began to read.

He read through the night, and almost from the very beginning he had the feeling that Kirk was talking to him across the light years. Not once did he stop, not to eat or drink, the cup of tea forgotten and gone cold, but read the book from beginning to end in one sitting. Once he was done, he let the words infuse into his being before starting it all over again, savoring those parts that had particularly touched him.

It was dawn when he finally closed the book and set it aside. He closed his eyes, the printed words indelibly branded onto his mind. He knew now exactly what Kirk had been trying to tell him.

He had always known that, for him, life on Vulcan had been, and would always be, a struggle to fit in, a day-to-day trial without end. He would possibly marry someday, bond with a woman chosen out of expediency. They might even have children, though he wondered if he could ever inflict on another what his childhood had been. He would fulfill his role but would he fulfill his life?

He opened his eyes and picked up the book again, opening it to where he’d inserted the letter as a bookmark. It fell open, revealing once again the lines which had struck him so profoundly at their first reading, words he would remember for the rest of his life. He skimmed his fingers lightly over the passage, reveling in their message.

Doth the universe lie within the compass of yonder town, which only a little time ago was but a leaf-strewn desert, as lonely as this around us? Whither leads yonder forest track? Backwards to the settlement, thou sayest! Yes; but onward too! Deeper it goes, and deeper, into the wilderness, less plainly to be seen at every step! until, some few miles hence, the yellow leaves will show no vestige of the white man’s tread. There thou art free! So brief a journey would bring thee from a world where thou hast been most wretched, to one where thou mayest still be happy!

He let the words wash over him like a cleansing rain.

Where thou mayest still be happy.

Did he dare dream that that was still possible for him? What if he had left it too long? Kirk had no reason to have waited; more reason not to. After all this time, he would surely believe that Spock was never coming back and would have gone on with his life. But what if he hadn’t? After all, he had not. There was only one way to find out.

He thought about his parents, the only real tie he had to the planet of his birth. Would they understand why he needed to leave? Somehow, he thought they would, for had not the two of them taken a path none other had dared?

Rising, he walked over and opened his closet door. He retrieved his bag from where it lay and placed it on the bed. He then began to go through his belongings, methodically choosing those items he wished to take with him. Now that he had finally come to a decision, he was anxious to be on his way.

~~~~~

Spock impatiently completed the last of the forms that would end his affiliation with Starfleet. He had not expected all the ways that organization could show its disapproval at losing him once again. Not so much Vulcan; Captain Vorik had been most helpful, allowing Spock back on board the ship to collect his personal items, directing him to the person he would need to see and, though at the time Spock had not really believed it would be so bad, warning him that he had probably gained Starfleet’s enmity.

He had not believed until the next day when he had walked into Commander Shres’s office and faced the Andorian’s wrath. Some time later he had walked out with the list of forms he would need to fill out and transmit back. Only then would a decision be made as to when Spock would be granted his freedom.

That was something that had not occurred to Spock. What if they refused to let him go? There was no way he could serve out the five years of the mission. Kirk might still be free now, but in five years? Even if Spock still had his sanity after all that time, it was almost certain that Kirk would have found another.

He had endured two more days of waiting, days he had put to good use. His house was part of his clan’s estate, so he merely advised them that he would be vacating it shortly. He had not disavowed them of the notion that it was because of his posting to the Sh’Raan. He had sold many of his books. He could not take them with him and he needed the funds. Though at the moment he had no idea how he would get back to Earth, however it was done he was sure it would cost a great deal.

Called back that morning, he had rushed over to the Commander’s office, where he had been met with cold disdain. He had barely heard any of the words the Andorian had uttered once their decision had been pronounced. Spock no longer cared what they thought of him. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered other than the fact that they were allowing him to leave.

Still, they had managed to dampen his joy by holding him most of the morning as they made him complete more forms, sit through more interviews and listen to more castigation. Signing the last of the forms, Spock walked over to where the Commander’s aide sat.

“I have transferred the last of the forms into Starfleet’s records.”

The man didn’t say a word, merely turned to his computer and checked for himself. Frowning in displeasure he looked up at Spock. “You are free to go.”

Spock turned and walked out. Standing on the portico that fronted the building, he took a deep breath and then let it out. He had managed the first hurdle. The second would not be so easy.

You need to think about what you want. And whatever it is, make that your first priority.

Over the last month, his mother’s words had not been far from his mind. It was hard to imagine that she would be surprised at his announcement. It was, after all, her inducement which had started him on this path. But how different for her would the reality of it be from the hyperbole? What Sarek’s reaction would be he would not attempt to surmise, though if pushed would say it would not be a pleasant one.

He had asked to see them this evening. No matter how Starfleet’s decision had gone, he knew he would be in need of their understanding or, if the worst had happened, their guidance, for he had known one thing, no matter what the outcome had been, he had had no intentions of being on the Sh’Raan when she left on her voyage. That he could now make his arrangement to return to Earth with somewhat less deception was merely the more amenable alternative.

There was still several hours before he needed to present himself at his parents’, so he started for home with the intentions of dealing with more of his possessions. His residence already looked more like a storage unit than a home, but he wished to be in the position to leave whenever the opportunity presented itself.

~~~~~

Spock left his house early enough so that he would have time to stop and purchase a bouquet of flowers for his mother. It was not something he normally did but he had done so in the past, so he hoped it would not raise Amanda’s suspicions unduly. If at all possible, he wished to wait until after dinner to inform his parents of his decision.

The shops were busy, the area filled with people and it took longer than he had imagined to reach the front of the line and place his order. He waited patiently while it was filled, watching the arranger at her work. When they brought the flowers forward, he paid for them and left the shop, quickly making his way back to the main path. Not wishing to be late, he took up a brisk pace.

His parents were in the study when Spock arrived, Haadok having met him at the door and leading him in. The doors to the garden area were flung wide, sharing the evening’s cooler breezes with the room.

Both stood as Spock entered the room, his father to exchange greetings, his mother to thank him for the flowers. It appeared that she thought to embrace him but then her Vulcan training took over and she handed the flowers to Haadok, greeting Spock as a good Vulcan mother would.

He took a chair, trying to convey an appearance of calm. He certainly did not feel that way.

“You spoke of wishing to discuss something with us,” Sarek said.

“I would prefer to wait until later. I would not want it to interfere with the meal.”

“If it’s something that important, I can certainly have Haadok delay the meal,” Amanda noted. “Is there a problem, Spock?”

Spock looked from one to the other. He knew arguing would do no good. Besides, one did not argue with Sarek; it got you nowhere. He swallowed and then straightened. “There is no problem. I wish to tell you that I have turned down my posting on the Sh’Raan. Indeed, I have resigned from Starfleet.”

“I would think them none too pleased. You are making a habit of such behavior, my son. Still,” Sarek continued, “I, too, believe that maintaining your position with the VSA is the better choice.”

“I have also resigned from the VSA.”

Spock had once heard Kirk remark about being able to hear a pin drop. He now knew what he meant. Finally Sarek broke the silence.

“What is it you intend to do?”

“I am returning to Earth.”

He saw his mother’s hand rise up to cover her mouth. His father’s reaction was a bit more moderate, though Spock did not doubt that Sarek was not pleased.

“And what will you do on Earth?” Sarek asked. “Without the VSA’s sanction, any information you might collect would not be considered valid. It would be as if you had done no work at all.”

“I have no plans on collecting data, at least not for the edification of the VSA or Starfleet.”

“Then for whom will you do this for?”

“You are returning to Jim,” Amanda said, her pleasure for her son obvious and real.

“Yes, I am.”

“Jim? You are referring to the James Kirk in your reports?” Sarek looked from Spock to Amanda. “What do you know of this?”

“I know that our son has not been at peace since his return and that the reason for this has been his loss of this man.”

Sarek returned his gaze to Spock. “Is this the connection you alluded to? What is it you expect to accomplish by returning now?”

Spock looked down momentarily. He was not ashamed of what he felt but speaking of it was something he found difficult to do, especially with his father.

“I...believe that there could be a bonding between us.”

“You believe?” Sarek admonished. “And what if he does not desire it? What would you do at your Time? You would be essentially alone on a planet that does not take kindly to what it does not understand. If you were found out, you would be killed.”

“I know this, but I am willing to take the risk. Kirk did not disclose my true nature before; I am positive he would not do so now.”

“He would have no need. All he need do is deny himself to you. In time, your nature would do the rest.”

“Isn’t there some way you could find out?” Amanda asked. She turned to her husband. “Couldn’t you find a way for him to go there for just a few days to talk to Kirk?”

“Amanda, it is not that simple.”

“Isn’t it?” Amanda shot back. “Why not? You know all sorts of people who travel in that area. Can’t one of them take him there and just wait?”

“I know of no one who would be willing to ‘just wait,’ Amanda. Most are on business and travel within the bounds of a strict schedule.”

“I can’t believe you won’t even try. This is your son we’re talking about. Surely, you can make the effort for him.”

“And if I did?” Sarek spoke softly, as if unwilling to bring hurt to his wife. “What then? Spock would go and either stay, in which case you would most likely never see him again; or he would return, having lost all hope.”

Though Amanda spoke to her husband, she turned to Spock. “If it happens that he stays on Earth, I’ll know he’s happy. I will miss him until the day I die but I’m willing to do that if it means he’ll have the life he so desperately wants. But if for some reason Kirk refuses him, then we’ll be here waiting for him to welcome him home and to let him know that, here, he is loved.”

Spock lowered his head. Any words he might have for his mother he was unable to speak. This had been what he had so dreaded. Not Sarek’s disappointment, though that, too, had stung, but his mother’s unselfish devotion. Even knowing that it meant losing her son, she wanted him to go and would do whatever she could to make it possible for him to do so.

“Please, Sarek.” Amanda had turned back to her husband. “Please, can’t you at least try?”

Spock looked up to find his mother and father focused solely on each other. They seemed to speak in a language known only to each other, though no words were being exchanged. Finally, Sarek nodded and rose from his seat.

“I will see what I can do,” Sarek said as he walked from the room.

“What will he do?” Spock asked, stunned by how quickly the situation had changed. He had hoped for, at best, a tacit compliance, that whatever they thought of his plans they would not interfere with them. Never had he imagined that aid could or would be given.

Amanda smiled at him. “Whatever he can.”

“Why? Why would he go against what he obviously believes is wrong?”

“Oh, Spock, he doesn’t believe it’s wrong. He’s concerned, that’s all. No Vulcan, not even your father, could believe that what you and Jim have found is wrong. He’s worried that you’ll get there and be disappointed.”

“But you are not?”

“No. Strange, isn’t it? Yet something tells me it’s all going to be all right. I don’t know, maybe I just want it to be.”

“It is true; I will not be allowed to return.”

“I know.” She looked away, out into the garden. “I remember wishing you weren’t going. Everything I remembered of Earth was terrible. All the destruction that surrounded us and the fear that we lived with day after day. And I worried that something would happen to you there and I would never know.” She turned back to him. “And it did, but it was something wonderful. And my planet, our planet, gave you that. And you know what? You gave me something, too. Through you, I’ve come to love Earth again. I will miss you desperately but I will have the hope you have given me that, someday, my planet will be whole and well once again.”

“I believe it will. They are a strong people.”

“Yes, they are. It’s funny, so many Vulcans think of Terrans as being just like me. Maybe because they know no others, they assume that the woman they see in public is the only part of me there is.”

“Perhaps because that is the way Vulcans are.”

“Perhaps. It would certainly explain how none has noticed the small ways your father has changed over the years. They think he’s merely a different sort of Vulcan. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to them that he’d been contaminated.”

Spock almost smiled. “Is that what is it?”

“Of course. But it’s worked both ways. I’m no longer all Terran, either. Which may be why so many have said that they believe that if Earth was allowed to join the Coalition the people would gratefully follow the path set for them.” She chuckled. “They don’t know my people.”

“No, someone like Jim would never follow a path chosen for him.”

“I have a feeling he would be running the place before they even knew it.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “A distinct possibility.”

They both heard Sarek’s footsteps at the same time and turned to see him reenter the room. He retook his seat.

“It is done. In two days, the Tellerite freighter, Tezra, will be passing close enough to Earth that the captain has agreed to take Spock as a passenger and transport him to Earth’s surface.”

“The Tezra, isn’t that Colv’s ship?” Amanda asked.

“It is.”

“Why would he do this?” Spock asked.

“When he was unable to fulfill a contract to Starfleet, I was able to convince them to have it re-negotiated. He has not forgotten this.”

“Nor will I,” Spock said, though he was aware that there was no way he could ever repay the debt. “When does he wish me to board the ship?”

“Tomorrow night. Though they will not be leaving until the following morning, he wishes to be sure that everything is in order for your departure. There can be no delays.”

“I will be there.” If it were up to him, Spock thought, he would be there tonight.

“You realize this could well place you outside the bounds of Coalition jurisdiction. Your action may well be considered unlawful.”

“I am aware. It does not matter.”

All three grew quiet then, as if the enormity of what was to come only then became apparent. It was Sarek who broke the silence.

“Amanda, should not dinner be ready?”

Spock and his mother exchanged an amused glance. Amanda had always known, and Spock was finally now aware, that Sarek felt deeply about his son. But whatever contamination there may have been from his mother, his father was still Vulcan. Much would always be left unsaid between them but, for Spock, words were no longer necessary. He knew, and that was enough.

~~~~~

The dinner was excellent, though somewhat subdued—which was saying much, Spock thought, considering that Vulcan meals did not tend to loquaciousness. Still, the mood was not plaintive. It was as if his parents had faced what was to come and had accepted it.

Afterwards, the ritual of time spent in the garden was abandoned. Spock felt as if he was teetering on a precipice and sitting quietly was not something he thought he could have managed. Amanda, especially, seemed aware of this and showed no surprise or dismay when Spock announced that it was time for him to depart.

Instead, she shared a look with his father and, with a smile, took Spock’s arm and slowly walked him to the door. On his other side, Sarek quietly kept in step.

Spock couldn’t help but contemplate each and every piece of furniture, each picture on the walls as he passed. Bit by bit, he stored away the images of the house he had grown up in and would very likely never see again.

When they reached the entryway they all seemed at a lost for words. How did one acknowledge a debt that could never be repaid? Made known the sorrow of parting when such things were not spoken of? The spell the silence had woven was broken when his mother turned to take Spock into her arms.

He could feel the fine tremors she fought so hard to hide.

“Be happy, my son. I would give anything to see the moment when you meet Jim again and be able to get to know the man who you have come to love.” She pulled back and there were tears running down her face. “I will miss you so much, Spock.”

He had to force the words passed his throat. “Mother—”

“No,” she wiped her face and forced a smile. “I’ll be all right, because I’ll know that you’ll have everything you ever wanted and that you’ll have found the true joy you so greatly deserve.” She raised up on her toes and kissed his cheek. “Goodbye, Spock.” Then she pulled out of his arms and stepped back to stand next to her husband.

Sarek raised his hand in the Vulcan gesture of both greeting and farewell.

“Live long and prosper, my son.”

It took a moment for Spock to completely firm his controls. Only then did he bring his hand up into the ta’al. “Peace and long life, my father.”

He took his leave of them then, slowly turning to take the path that would lead him away. Where it met the walkway, he turned. They stood in the doorway, still watching him. His father had put his arm around Amanda and pulled her to his side; her head nestled against his chest.

Spock raised his hand, this time, in the time-honored tradition of Earth, and waved. Then he walked away.

~~~~~

He stood in the darkness, staring out the window in the front room. In a few moments he would pick up his bag and leave this place for the last time.

The day had gone more quickly than Spock would have imagined. But he had wanted to retain as much information as he could that he thought could be of use on Earth. Not only to make his own life easier but, perhaps, he could bring knowledge that would help the people of the planet. He had begun as soon as he knew he would be returning to Earth and had spent every spare second on it since. The time spent scrolling through the archives of knowledge this day had seemed as an instant.

Some time had been grudgingly spent on finalizing his impending withdrawal from Vulcan society. Changes in the distribution of his assets, the relinquishing of all rights to clan property and his status as Sarek and Amanda’s legal heir, all the forms needed had been drawn up and signed. It only waited for confirmation that Spock was not returning for Sarek to discharge the information.

He thought again of his parents. He had always known that they were the slender thread that bound him to Vulcan. Slender it may be, but it was strong and he felt the mental trauma of its breaking. He would never forget them.

Spock turned and gave the area behind him a long look. From the living room, to the kitchen, to the bedroom seen through the narrow gap between door and wall, everything that had once marked it as his home was gone: the books, his clothes, everything. All that remained was the nondescript furnishing the next occupant would either use or discard.

No, not everything, he thought, for sitting on the table was the bag that held everything he now owned, everything he thought he would need to start a new life on Earth. With hopes of accompanying Kirk on his ship, Spock had even chosen a bag similar to those used by the men who sailed the planet’s rivers and oceans.

He glanced at the chronometer. Almost time. Walking over to the table, he picked up the book he had been reading yet again. It had been Kirk’s call to him and Spock knew he would never part with it. After placing it carefully inside his bag, he hefted the overstuffed duffel onto his shoulder. He crossed the room and walked out the door into the breaking dawn.

The spaceport wasn’t close by, so Spock headed for the nearest teleport station. Even at this early in the morning there was already a line, an orderly crush of those on their way to work, and he felt the first tendrils of impatience. In a very singular way, this journey would not be real for him until he was firmly ensconced aboard the freighter.

Finally, it was his turn. He stepped on the platform and relayed his destination to the operator. Seconds later, he found himself in the midst of the controlled chaos of the secondary spaceport. He looked around as he walked down the steps away from the platform. He had never been here before. Those transporting to starships went through an entirely different process, through a place as clean and spacious as the ships themselves. This place was noisy by Vulcan standard, the reason becoming clear the further into the spaceport he progressed. Most of the people here were not Vulcan. He should have surmised it; Vulcans were not good at trade. Their inability to dissemble was a distinct disadvantage in that occupation.

Checking the signs above each station, he found the one he was looking for in the third row, close to the rear of the building. He walked up to the counter and presented himself to the person at the desk.

“I see nothing about a Spock of Vulcan,” the young Tellerite announced as he scanned his screen.

“It was not done through official channels. Perhaps if you allow me to speak to Captain Colv.”

“The captain is a very busy being! I cannot call him for such a minor problem. Off with you!”

“It is imperative that I speak with your captain. He is expecting me.”

“You are not on the list! If you do not leave, I will call the guards.”

Spock pressed his lips together in frustration. He had no idea how to resolve this but he knew there was no way he was not going to get on that ship.

“That will not be necessary. If you would—”

The Tellerite stood and scanned the area. Spying one of the guards, he shouted. “Guard! This man is trying to stow—”

“He is not a stowaway, Naarg.”

Spock suppressed a sigh of relief. Standing in the doorway to a room behind the station stood Colv. The Tellerite captain walked over and loomed over the unfortunate clerk.

“Do you not read your updates?” Colv roared, picking up a datapad and shaking it above the seated Naarg. “Your laziness almost caused a diplomatic incident!”

“I am most sorry, Captain Colv.” Naarg lowered his head. “It will not happen again.”

“It had better not.” Colv lowered the datapad, at the last moment smacking the instrument against the side of Naarg’s head before placing it back on the desk. He turned to Spock and collected him with a nod. “Come, we’ll transport up together. It has been too long since I checked on my crew.”

Spock followed him over to the platform and took the station next to Colv. With a nod from the captain, the operator sent them on their way.

The ship was surprisingly clean and orderly, though somewhat cramped as they walked along its narrow passages.

“I’ll show you the galley, then take you to your room. You don’t need to know where anything else is right now,” Colv said with a laugh. “It’s best you stay out of the way. It can be dangerous in a freighter while the crew is loading up.”

“What are you transporting, if I may ask?”

“Mainly building material for Alpha Centauri. When we leave there, it’s home for awhile. Which means that if you don’t stay on Earth, your choices will be to stay on Alpha Centauri until you can find a ride home or enjoying Tellar hospitality for awhile.”

They took another turn and then entered the galley.

“This is it,” Colv announced. “It’s not much but it has just about anything you might want to eat. Now,” he steered Spock back out and started down the another passage. “Your room’s this way.”

“I do not expect to leave Earth, but one can never be sure. How long will you be staying on Tellar?”

“Not more than ten days. It’s for the crew, you see. They get homesick after awhile. But then we’re expected at Coridan for a shipment of dilithium crystals before we return to Vulcan. They’ve just been admitted into the Coalition...again. Your father had a lot to do with that.”

“So I heard. After all that has befallen the planet, it is well that they will now be under Coalition protection.”

“It’s certainly good for business,” Colv growled. “Ah, here we are.”

Spock was led into a good-sized room, approximately the same dimensions as his room on the Sh’Raan would have been. Colv apparently liked to make a good impression on any passengers he might have. “The room is more than sufficient. You have my gratitude.”

“There is no need for gratitude. Your father has helped me many times over the years. This could not begin to repay him.”

“Still, I am most appreciative of your agreeing to transport me to Earth.”

Colv waved it off and started out. He stopped at the doorway. “Do you play chess?”

Spock’s eyebrows rose. “I do. I was not aware that any outside the family was familiar with the game.”

“Your father taught it to me years ago as a way to pass the time. Ha! He knew I would not be able to resist. Not that I’m the only one.”

“Indeed?”

“Sarek has taught many of his associates. I think he does it to see how intelligent they are.” He chortled. “Sneaky, these Earthlings, to come up with such a game.”

Spock had always thought so. It was one of many of the things that had first started his interest in his mother’s planet. And though aware that his father had also learned the game, it surprised him that he had gone to the trouble of teaching others.

“Perhaps we may engage in a game a two.”

Colv’s eyes lit up. “I will look forward to it. Now, I must see to my ship.”

The Tellerite closed the door behind him, leaving Spock to his own devises. He walked over and sat at the small desk set in the corner of the room. Pulling up the computer, he returned to his studies. There was still much information he needed to acquire before arriving on Earth. He would not go empty handed to his adopted planet.

~~~~~

Kirk woke before dawn and everything snapped into focus. Today he would be returning to his ship.

He rolled to his side, completely awake but not quite ready to give up his bed. The darkness was only just beginning to lift, so he knew he had at least thirty minutes before he had to get up.

Letting his mind drift, Kirk tried to imagine himself back on the river, doing the job he’d come to love. He ran his fingers over the puckered scar on his chest, recalling the weeks of pain and weakness. Yet even then, leaving the ship had never been an option.

He wondered how McCoy was doing. The doctor seemed well and truly caught by Miss MacDonald. Kirk hoped it worked out for them; no matter how much he might argue to the contrary, just like most people McCoy needed a real home, preferably with someone to come home to.

Yeah, and we saw how that worked out for you, didn’t we?

With a grimace Kirk pushed the thought aside. He threw the covers off and sat up, knowing that once his mind got hold of that particular subject the only thing that helped to get rid of it was action of some sort. Shrugging into his robe, he gathered up the clothes he planned to wear and headed downstairs for a bath.

Once in the bath house, he stoked the fire for the water and then started into the kitchen to do the same with the stove only to find that his mother had beat him to it.

“What are you doing up so early?” he asked, watching as she lit the stove then threw the match in.

“You really didn’t think I’d let you go off without a decent breakfast, did you? Bad enough you’ll hardly eat while on the road.”

“I’ll be fine. They serve a pretty good spread at the place I stay at in Nichols.”

“Well, I still wanted to see you off,” she responded as she prepared the coffee pot and set it to perk.

“Not a problem.” He kissed her on the cheek as he went by. “Be right back.”

Upstairs again, he used the small water closet to start his morning routine. Once done, he packed a few items he thought he might need, a bar of soap, a box of baking soda, and then returned to his room.

He’d packed most of his things the night before so it was only a matter of throwing in his toiletries and a couple of items he’d forgotten about. Then he stripped the bed and, along with his bag, lugged everything downstairs. He left his bag in the entry before heading back to the kitchen.

“Oh, gee, thanks,” Winona remarked as she saw what he’d brought her.

“Any time.” Kirk winked as he strode by on his way to the bath house.

Twenty minutes later, clean and dressed in his traveling clothes, he walked out in to the kitchen.

“Your breakfast is almost ready,” Winona said as she poured him a cup of coffee and set it on the table.

He took his seat and a large slug of coffee, in that order. He noticed there was only one place set. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“It’s too early for me.” She brought his plate over and then sat across from him. “I’ll eat after you leave.”

“Got a busy day planned?” he asked between mouthfuls.

“Lester and I are riding over to Liam’s. I talked to him the other day and he said his lettuce is just about in. I’m hoping to get at least a couple dozen heads.”

“So, uh, how come it takes the two of you to do that?”

She slapped him on the arm. “Because we’re going into town for some supplies we need afterwards, Smarty Pants. And I’ve decided on the material I want so we’ll be picking that up, too.”

“Fine, whatever you say. I happen to think it’s a nice thing, you two spending time together.”

“It’s not like that between us.”

“Why not?” Kirk became serious. “He’s crazy about you, Mom. Don’t you like him?”

“I like him fine. It’s just that, well, it could get awkward, that’s all.”

“Because he works for you? Mom, it’s been years since I’ve thought of him as just one of our hands. He’s family; you might as well make it legal.”

She laughed and shook her head. “We’ll see. And what about you?”

“What about me?” he asked rather guardedly.

“Oh, don’t go all defensive on me. I was just thinking about what we talked about a few weeks ago. It does seem as if you’ve taken my words to heart.”

He shrugged. “It was about time, don’t you think?”

“You know I do. So, what comes next?”

“I’m not sure. There are...possibilities. I’ll let you know if any of them work out.”

“It does seem to be the season for weddings.”

He made a face as he pushed back his chair and stood. “It’s time for me to be on my way.”

She walked him to the door and helped him on with his coat. The worst of winter was over but the mornings were still cold.

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know,” he answered, picking up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. “I’ll write as often as I can, though.”

“I better get a letter at least once a month,” she warned, clearly only half joking.

“I’ll do my best.” He pulled her close and kissed her on the cheek. “‘Bye, Mom, love you.”

“I love you, too, so be careful.”

He laughed and hurried out the door. Riding by after retrieving Erinnys from the barn, he could see her standing at the window. He waved and then started on his way.


~~~~~

The days aboard the Tezra had passed quickly, many an evening spent in games of chess with Colv. The Tellerite had never won. After each loss he would grumble as he reset the men, vowing that the next game would be his. But other than that halfhearted complaint, he had lost with good grace.

The night before they reached Earth, the game was played to a draw. Spock had never seen Colv so pleased. He suspected Sarek would be in for a surprise the next time the two men met. Spock wished he could see what would surely be a memorable game.

They slid into orbit the next day, the blue and green of Earth a welcome sight, though his time aboard the Tezra had been both pleasant and enlightening. He had come to respect the gruff Tellerite captain, and easily saw why his father had developed a close working relationship with him. Colv had done all he could to make Spock’s journey comfortable and never once had wondered at Spock’s desire to return to Earth—at least, not out loud. The only time he had seemed uncomfortable was when he had handed Spock a small devise.

“It is to let us know that you have come to a decision,” Colv said. “You only need to press the green button and we’ll know to retrieve you on our way back to Vulcan in about fifteen days. If you can, be wherever we transport you down. But don’t worry, we’ll be able to find you no matter where you are. If you know you will not be returning, press the yellow button.”

The Tellerite captain had walked away then and nothing more was said on the matter.

Having changed into suitable garb and said his goodbyes, Spock had them transport him approximately half a mile from the house, in an area he knew to be quite secluded and rarely visited. He materialized within a stand of trees just as the day was ending.

He looked up and scanned the skies. Knowing its location, he was able to spot the gleaming light that he knew to be the freighter, a somewhat bright star against the red and purple of sunset. It glowed there for several seconds and then was suddenly gone; he wished it well. Staring at the small signaler in his hand, he could only hope that he would be done with it soon.

He started walking toward the house. There was a chill in the air and snow sat around in patches but several of the trees were budding, while others already had their canopies; the fields he passed showed the beginnings of their future bounty.

Finally, he reached the house. Everything looked the same. The trees in the front yard were perhaps not as full as when Spock had left, spring having not quite arrived but the place was already surrounded by the riot of color that had welcomed him the first time. The dogs still ran free, coming up to sniff and then, remembering, continuing on with their patrol knowing him as the friend he was. Spock walked up the steps onto the porch, remembering the many conversations he and Kirk had had here.

He knocked on the door. After a few moments the curtain over its window was drawn slightly out of the way. A woman, he assumed Kirk’s mother, peeked out for the other side. The door opened. It was not Winona.

She looked at him a moment, then he saw recognition light her eyes.

“Spock?” She opened the outer door and motioned him inside. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d traveled on.”

He was too shocked to speak at first. What was Merilyn doing here? She had answered the door as if it were her right as a member of the household. Was that the case? Had her status come to include being a member of Kirk’s family? He finally found his tongue.

“I...I chose to return.” He looked passed her, his gaze drawn up the stairs. “Is Jim available?”

“Who is it, Merilyn?” Kirk’s mother called from somewhere upstairs. A few seconds later she appeared at the top landing. The look she gave him as she made her way down the stairs was not encouraging.

“What are you doing here?”

Merilyn turned to her. “He’s looking for Jim.”

“He’s not here,” Winona snapped.

“I see.” Spock felt a crushing disappointment. He had hoped to catch Kirk at home. “Do you know when he will return?”

“Not for awhile.” Then apparently seeing his distress, Winona relented. “He left for his ship a couple of days ago.”

Spock looked down and then at Winona. “I appreciate the information. I will not disturb you further.”

He started to turn but then felt her hand on his arm.

“Wait, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk with you.”

Spock hesitated at first. He was afraid of what it was she wished to tell him. But it was something he would have to hear eventually; it might as well be now. “Very well.”

“Why don’t you wait in the parlor? We’re almost done here.”

He nodded and walked into the room, taking a seat on the couch in front of the windows. He could hear everything the two women said. And though he knew he shouldn’t be listening, he could not find the strength to stop.

“I couldn’t find the veil. I know it’s up there somewhere,” Winona said to Merilyn. “Tell you what, I’ll look for it tonight and bring it to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Winona. I’ve looked through so many pictures and patterns and none has held a candle to yours. I just want everything to be perfect.”

“What woman wouldn’t for her wedding day?”

Spock watched as the two women hugged and then as Winona put her arm around Merilyn to walk her to the door. Their words became indistinct, though Spock was no longer listening anyway.

She was to be married. And to whom but the man she had loved all her life? Suddenly his future seemed a long, dark passage he would be forced to travel to its end.

“I’m sorry.” Winona walked into the parlor and took a seat across from him. “The wedding plans have taken up so much time, I haven’t had time for much else.” She laughed. “I still need to make my own dress.”

Spock only nodded. Why had he not foreseen this chain of events? To expect Kirk to have remained free after all this time....

“Spock, are you all right?”

Looking over at the woman, he saw a concern he did not feel he deserved. He had left, abandoning Kirk to his own devises. It should have come as no surprise that he had turned to another.

“I...yes, I am well.” He gathered himself together and started to rise. “I should be going.”

“Wait, don’t you want to know about Jim?”

He reseated himself. “Forgive me. What was it you wished to speak of?”

She scrutinized him and then shook her head. “There’s something going on here but I don’t have a clue what it is. After all this time you come back from who knows where and when you hear that Jim’s not here, it’s as if you couldn’t care less about what’s going on with him.”

“I assumed he had returned to his ship to tender his resignation.”

“Why would you think that?” she asked, clearly surprised at his words.

“Would he not prefer to remain here once he has married?”

“Married? What makes you think he’s getting married?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, I see, you think he’s going to marry Merilyn.”

At this point, Spock didn’t know what to think. “He is not?”

“Of course not! Merilyn’s marrying a man she met a couple of months ago. Spock,” she took his hand. If she felt his flinch she ignored it. “Don’t you know that if there was anyone Jim wanted to marry it would be you?”

He took a deep breath, feeling as if he’d been given his life back. “Then he still feels as he did?”

“He did two days ago. Not that he hasn’t tried not to. I think he was to the point that he either had to let go of you or go crazy. He missed you something fierce.”

“And I him.”

“That’s good to hear. When he said he was going to try to get over you, I wanted to believe him. He’s been so, I don’t know, not himself. It hurt to see him that way. Yet,” she shook her head. “I really didn’t think he could, not yet, anyway. You know, I’ve never seen him like this—ever. Whatever you did to him, it stuck.”

“Then if I were to go to his ship...”

“I’m sure he’d welcome you with open arms.” She eyed him critically. “Not that there’d be much to hold. Let’s say we have some dinner and I’ll air out your old room.”

“I thought perhaps—”

“It’s much too late for you to be traveling right now, Spock. This way, you can get a good night’s sleep and start fresh in the morning. I’m sure Orpheus would like the exercise. I think he’s missed you, too.”

Spock very much wanted to be on his way this very minute, but bowing to the logic of her words, nodded his assent.

Winona fed him a substantial meal, all the while filling him in on what her son had been up to. He absorbed every word. And that night, lying in the bed he and Kirk had shared so many times, Spock could feel the very rightness of his choice. This was Kirk’s home. Soon, it would be their home.

~~~~~

It took Spock almost three days to get to Muscatine. Though not an experienced rider, the fact that he was on Orpheus helped and the patient animal managed to move him along without incident. But soon after leaving Lone Tree bad weather set in. The skies opened up with a drenching rain and by the time he reached Nichols he was soaking wet and freezing. He took a room, grateful for the extra clothes Winona had insisted he accept. The rains continued and he was forced to remain a second night. He woke a little after three to discover that the clouds had dissipated and the moon shining brightly through his window. Impatient to be off, he got up and left before sunup. He entered Muscatine by late morning.

His first stop was at the stables Winona had told him about. Following the proprietor to the back, he recognized Erinnys contentedly ensconced in one of the larger stalls. Just the sight of the horse brought a jolt of expectation. After making sure that Orpheus was settled into the stall next to Kirk’s horse, Spock received directions to the precise location of Kirk’s ship and then was on his way.

As he walked along the streets of the town, he became conscious of a stirring happiness within him. And as he grew closer to his destination, the joy that swelled within him became all the more sweet. When he finally reached the dock, he stopped for only a moment to take in the ships which lined up in either direction before quickly making his way down the steps to the landing below.

He walked along the dock, watching the different ships as they prepared to slip out of their moorings and onto the newly thawed water. The bustle of men flowing past him, hurrying about their duties, were mere shadows to him; his mission had only one focus.

He pulled his jacket closed against the biting breeze. Winter was barely releasing its grip on the land; he had even seen remnants of snow along his travels. Yet no time was being wasted, as the ships which had remained idle on the frozen river now seemed eager to be on their way. Knowing Kirk, his would be one of the first out.

He hoped he would not be too late. After all this time, he did not know if he could stand to wait out the long months before Kirk’s return if he should have already sailed.

But wait he would, no matter how long it took. He’d bound his life to Kirk’s for good or ill, for the Tezra would not be returning. He had released her as he had left the Kirk farm, pressing the yellow button as instructed and then tossing the signaler into the river. His ties to the planet of his birth had been sundered. There was no turning back for him now.

He continued his quest, looking for that one particular ship. It would be easy to pick out; Kirk had lovingly described it too many times for Spock not to know it by sight.

And suddenly there it was. Men crawled over her deck and up her three masts, preparing her for sail. He’d made it just in time. As he approached the ship, he saw a man standing on the quarterdeck. He was looking away, out onto the water, but Spock knew in an instant who it was. He stopped and drank in the sight of him. And then the man turned toward him—and froze.

Spock waited, suddenly unsure of his welcome. It had been eight long months since he’d last seen the human, eight long months since they’d touched each other in mutual need and affection. He had been gone a long time, a much longer time than they had shared with each other; perhaps Kirk had found another. Just because he had not married Merilyn did not mean there wasn’t someone else who now stood at Kirk’s side. Winona may have been tragically mistaken.

But then Kirk’s face lit up with a smile of overpowering joy. He wildly waved his arm, and Spock walked quickly up the gangplank and onto the deck of the Enterprise. A few steps more brought him face to face with Kirk.

Kirk stood before him, his obvious attempts at control barely succeeding. At his side, an older man bounced on his toes as he eyed Spock suspiciously.

“Welcome aboard, Mr. Spock,” Kirk finally said.

Spock gazed at the man at whose side he had chosen to remain and bowed his head in acknowledgment. “Captain Kirk.”

“Uh, Bones, watch for Matthews. He was going to pick up a few things and was running a bit behind.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll need to show Spock where everything is—his quarters, the galley. You know, so he’ll know where everything is.”

“Uh huh.”

“Knew I could count on you.” Kirk grinned and then turned and gathered Spock with a nod. “Come on, Spock, we’ll start at this end and work our way back.”

Spock followed after, having to hurry his steps to keep up with the human, who practically flew down the narrow stairs.

“This way,” Kirk instructed, turning back toward the front of the ship at the bottom of the steps. He opened a door and motioned Spock in.

It was Kirk’s quarters. There was no mistaking the way it seemed to reflect his tastes; the small things that were distinctly his. Spock turned back as he heard Kirk close the door.

“Jim.” It felt so good to say his name again.

Kirk approached and stood in front of Spock. Then, slowly, he brought his arms up and around Spock’s neck. He tipped his face up as he pulled Spock’s toward him.

The kiss was gentle, Kirk’s touch almost tentative as he slipped his tongue into Spock’s mouth. Spock wound his arms around Kirk’s waist and pulled him close.

It was like a spark igniting between them. Their bodies intertwined, they reeled toward Kirk’s bunk, pulling clothes off as they went and tumbling onto its surface. On his back, his arms full of the naked human, Spock looked up into Kirk’s face. He saw joy mixed with a great deal of pain.

“I never thought I’d ever see you again. I still can’t believe it.”

“I am here. Believe it, and believe that I will never leave you again.”

Kirk took a ragged breath and then lowered his forehead to rest against Spock’s shoulder. “I had given up on you.”

“I know. I wish there was some way in which I could show you just how much I regret my actions and the pain it caused you.”

“I missed you, every day.”

“And I, you.”

Kirk lifted his head and they kissed again but this time there was no denying what they both craved. It was fast and quick, their bodies struggling against each other, as if this one act could erase all their lonely time apart.

Spock felt his own orgasm wash over him as a splatter of warmth covered his belly.

They lay entwined, Kirk having slipped to the side but clearly unwilling to let go. Spock knew exactly how he felt. He looked down at the man in his arms, Kirk’s relief, both mental and physical, showing in the relaxed stretch of his body and the smile he now bestowed.

“Welcome home, Spock.”



onto Epilogue